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step daughter!!!
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 347585" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Ann, you need a break. Now, not in 30 days. Your health problems can be made worse by this kind of stress. There are those who believe stress is the main cause of ill-health. I'm not saying yes or no, merely saying, "Take a break." </p><p></p><p>Take yourself off, and your children, for one weekend. Go stay with friends or family. YOU need to be looked after. Don't give him too much warning, and don't make it a sinister, "I am planning to leave," kind of thing. Keep it happy and low-key, but tell him it is so you can have a break from the stress of it all. It's a "no fault" break. There is stress, regardless of who he might want to blame. </p><p></p><p>This situation has to be taken outside blame. Right now, you are blaming his daughter; he is blaming your son. If you think about interactions in life, we get better results when we avoid blame. It's a natural thing to want to point the finger, especially when it feels to us that the culprit is obvious; but what does it achieve? In this situation, with you and your husband, he is clearly trying to defend his daughter. Somewhere inside him, he is frantic to get her help. He knows this is not normal, he knows she shouldn't be like this, but he doesn't see it as her bad behaviour so much as a kid who has problems and needs compassion and love.</p><p></p><p>From your point of view, you see the girl's insolent behaviour towards you and your son, and you can clearly see that she is the problem. But tis view, and your blaming, is setting your husband further towards "I must defend my daughter" mode. So he attacks your son - "how do you like that?" kind of thing, so you can know how he feels. Your husband points the finger right back at you, and at your son. It doesn't matter who is being unreasonable, it is more important to see that long-term habits of blaming have st up this very unhealthy to and fro pattern.</p><p></p><p>I can't tell you if your marriage is a sham, or if it has been set up on the wrong principles. I can't tell you if it is worth saving or not. But I can clearly see that without change, it will fail.</p><p></p><p>The fastest way to bring about change, is to do it yourself. Regardless of how you feel about this girl, you need to really work hard to not blame. YOU make the first change. Then see how long it takes for his behaviour to change.</p><p></p><p>Meanwhile, do not make your son change his behaviour. It sounds to me like your son is not doing anything wrong. There may be more 'right' things he could do, but I would need to be a fly on the wall to be sure of this. Instead, erring on the "first, do no harm" which you have taught him, is his best line of action.</p><p></p><p>But the first thing you need, is respite. At the same time, your husband needs to be sole carer for a weekend. Chances are, without you and your son there, your husband and his daughter will get on great. A suggestion for you perhaps - plan some outings for them to go on, set up a program you think your husband will really look forward to. Make sure they both get out in public. I'm being a bit naughty here - I'm suggesting you set up some situations where she will misbehave in public, because he is enjoying it and she is not.</p><p></p><p>So, in a nutshell, my plan of action for you, this weekend if you can swing it in time - tell your family that your health problems mean you need to go stay with friend/parent/motel in the mountains. You're taking your kids with you (or farming them out) so husband won't have to look after them. But he and his daughter need to fend for themselves so you have thoughtfully made arrangements for them, so they won't be at too much of a loose end.</p><p></p><p>So, the plan for husband and his daughter - go out ten pin bowling. Maybe do the shopping (follow a list, always, when you shop). Dinner with neighbour/family/friend so they don't have to worry about cooking (so thoughtful). Next day - go see a movie perhaps, or go play mini-golf. Think of a hobby of your husband's that surely his daughter would LOVE to share (I'm being really naughty now...).</p><p>You need your husband to accept this in fairly good grace and not see your need for a break as a criticism of him or his daughter. This is solely so you can recuperate. Every couple needs this from time to time. If you can arrange it, stay with a girlfriend for a hen's weekend. Waffle-weave robes, bottles of nail polish, home perms and herbal facials. You know the routine. A male-free environment. Get your son to stay with a mate.</p><p></p><p>The aim is - you need a break (vital). Your husband needs a reality check (less likely; less important).</p><p></p><p>Then you come back recharged and better able to stand firm and avoid blaming. If he accuses you of blaming and you haven't, quietly point out that you haven't blamed and in fact you are making an effort to not blame. Some situations are bad and nobody is to blame. Sometimes bad things just happen. It is healthier to focus on solutions rather than blame. When we blame, we are trying to get the person responsible to accept the blame, so we can then make them responsible for fixing it. But when blame is not being accepted, this method fails and the more you try to force them to see reality, the more you hear the Twilight Zone theme and the worse it all gets.</p><p></p><p>So tell your husband that from here on, you want to work on solutions and forget about blame.</p><p></p><p>Good luck!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 347585, member: 1991"] Ann, you need a break. Now, not in 30 days. Your health problems can be made worse by this kind of stress. There are those who believe stress is the main cause of ill-health. I'm not saying yes or no, merely saying, "Take a break." Take yourself off, and your children, for one weekend. Go stay with friends or family. YOU need to be looked after. Don't give him too much warning, and don't make it a sinister, "I am planning to leave," kind of thing. Keep it happy and low-key, but tell him it is so you can have a break from the stress of it all. It's a "no fault" break. There is stress, regardless of who he might want to blame. This situation has to be taken outside blame. Right now, you are blaming his daughter; he is blaming your son. If you think about interactions in life, we get better results when we avoid blame. It's a natural thing to want to point the finger, especially when it feels to us that the culprit is obvious; but what does it achieve? In this situation, with you and your husband, he is clearly trying to defend his daughter. Somewhere inside him, he is frantic to get her help. He knows this is not normal, he knows she shouldn't be like this, but he doesn't see it as her bad behaviour so much as a kid who has problems and needs compassion and love. From your point of view, you see the girl's insolent behaviour towards you and your son, and you can clearly see that she is the problem. But tis view, and your blaming, is setting your husband further towards "I must defend my daughter" mode. So he attacks your son - "how do you like that?" kind of thing, so you can know how he feels. Your husband points the finger right back at you, and at your son. It doesn't matter who is being unreasonable, it is more important to see that long-term habits of blaming have st up this very unhealthy to and fro pattern. I can't tell you if your marriage is a sham, or if it has been set up on the wrong principles. I can't tell you if it is worth saving or not. But I can clearly see that without change, it will fail. The fastest way to bring about change, is to do it yourself. Regardless of how you feel about this girl, you need to really work hard to not blame. YOU make the first change. Then see how long it takes for his behaviour to change. Meanwhile, do not make your son change his behaviour. It sounds to me like your son is not doing anything wrong. There may be more 'right' things he could do, but I would need to be a fly on the wall to be sure of this. Instead, erring on the "first, do no harm" which you have taught him, is his best line of action. But the first thing you need, is respite. At the same time, your husband needs to be sole carer for a weekend. Chances are, without you and your son there, your husband and his daughter will get on great. A suggestion for you perhaps - plan some outings for them to go on, set up a program you think your husband will really look forward to. Make sure they both get out in public. I'm being a bit naughty here - I'm suggesting you set up some situations where she will misbehave in public, because he is enjoying it and she is not. So, in a nutshell, my plan of action for you, this weekend if you can swing it in time - tell your family that your health problems mean you need to go stay with friend/parent/motel in the mountains. You're taking your kids with you (or farming them out) so husband won't have to look after them. But he and his daughter need to fend for themselves so you have thoughtfully made arrangements for them, so they won't be at too much of a loose end. So, the plan for husband and his daughter - go out ten pin bowling. Maybe do the shopping (follow a list, always, when you shop). Dinner with neighbour/family/friend so they don't have to worry about cooking (so thoughtful). Next day - go see a movie perhaps, or go play mini-golf. Think of a hobby of your husband's that surely his daughter would LOVE to share (I'm being really naughty now...). You need your husband to accept this in fairly good grace and not see your need for a break as a criticism of him or his daughter. This is solely so you can recuperate. Every couple needs this from time to time. If you can arrange it, stay with a girlfriend for a hen's weekend. Waffle-weave robes, bottles of nail polish, home perms and herbal facials. You know the routine. A male-free environment. Get your son to stay with a mate. The aim is - you need a break (vital). Your husband needs a reality check (less likely; less important). Then you come back recharged and better able to stand firm and avoid blaming. If he accuses you of blaming and you haven't, quietly point out that you haven't blamed and in fact you are making an effort to not blame. Some situations are bad and nobody is to blame. Sometimes bad things just happen. It is healthier to focus on solutions rather than blame. When we blame, we are trying to get the person responsible to accept the blame, so we can then make them responsible for fixing it. But when blame is not being accepted, this method fails and the more you try to force them to see reality, the more you hear the Twilight Zone theme and the worse it all gets. So tell your husband that from here on, you want to work on solutions and forget about blame. Good luck! Marg [/QUOTE]
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