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step daughter!!!
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 351617" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Extremely interesting. That does fit with what we conjectured - why should he feel threatened by this? And why did you feel you had to talk it over with him? Maybe this is a cultural difference here (I'm an Aussie and I do keep tripping over some big cultural gaps where you wouldn't think there are any) but I wouldn't have thought you would have needed to tell him of such a plan. Not that you would be going behind his back, necessarily (well, you would now, because he has forbidden it - but does he really have the right to tell you who you can and can't talk to?). But then - I also can and do tell husband everything so again, I can see why you keep your partner in the loop.</p><p></p><p>But in this case, your relationship is already shaky. You know a lot of problem revolve around his inconsistency and his double standards as well as him not actually doing anything to 'fix' his daughter but instead enabling her. All you know about the problems are what he tells you, and frankly based on what you have shared with us, I wouldn't consider him to be a reliable source of knowledge on this score.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It may not be his daughter's fault, but that doesn't mean action doesn't need to be taken. Interesting again - this has once more snapped back to a blaming game. And sometimes bad things happen and it is not a blame issue. Or if it is, it helps nobody to try to assign blame because while people stand around pointing fingers, more problems happen.</p><p></p><p>I don't know why your counsellor said you should watch his son - without actually being there, I can't tell you whether you are right or not, although you seem to have such a strong feeling about this yourself, that seems to indicate that your husband is wrong and you aren't going to enjoy it, at least not this time, if you are instead worrying about your neglect of your own kids.</p><p></p><p>He should not have married you in order to get a replacement parent for his kids; especially not if he's going to undermine you at every turn. If you were a hired nanny, hired to help his children, he would be behaving as a very bad employer to undermine you in front of the children. </p><p></p><p>The tragedy is with the daughter's behaviour - he says it's not her fault (implying it's yours?) but your presence is definitely a catalyst for her bad behaviour. so if/when you split up, her behaviour will improve and he will feel vindicated in this opinion, at least. And he will crow about it and it will make him even less likely to change.</p><p></p><p>If you are going to separate, bear that in mind. also bear in mind that I think you need to continue with your counselling (maybe get a second opinion if you feel this counsellor is too conciliatory - I feel you need a strong counsellor to challenge you and make you really think). </p><p></p><p>Your husband is not getting a clear picture of the problems while he continues to put all his attention into one child only. I agree with you - he needs to be sole parent of BOTH kids for a weekend in order to get a clearer picture of just how difficult she can be. I suspect difficult child is perfect for daddy because he ensures he gives her one-on-one attention, without annoying little brother along.</p><p></p><p>If you're going to divorce him anyway, then I would go talk to his wife (meet for coffee). If he accuses you of undermining him, ask him how that could be undermining him, when all you're trying to do is get a different perspective on the children he's been trying to force you to value. He should not be the sole conduit for information - frankly, to insist on all knowledge coming through him is worrying; it is very similar to the isolating tactics of an abuser. You are an individual with the rights of an individual; you should be able to come and go as you please, you should be able to see whosoever you choose to (unless it is being unfaithful to the relationship). </p><p></p><p>For example, husband knows that there have been times that I have met with various male friends of mine. I tell him everything. One of my male friends used to make passes at me and I didn't like it (and told him so). I was wary of telling husband in detail because I wanted to handle the problem myself, and I did. However, husband did know in broad.</p><p>At other times I have had dealings with people that husband didn't/doesn't like and he has been concerned for me, worried I'll get "burned". But at no time would husband ever forbid me to see someone, or utter such a threat. He will advise me, he will tell me he doesn't trust a person, he may even want to come along to make sure I am safe (legally as well as morally) but in this sort of situation, I'm sure husband would let me meet up.</p><p></p><p>I must admit though - this has never come up between us, I am only guessing. We've never been married to anyone else; but he had a serious relationship before me, as I had before him. If either one of us wanted to meet up with the other's ex, I doubt either of us would try to forbid. His ex-girlfriend was actually a friend of mine from school (before I had met him). My ex-boyfriend when I was at school was someone husband also met and got along with, I believe.</p><p></p><p>The situation with you and your husband seems to me to have turned into him being the parent to all of you, and you being the parent of none but expected to take the responsibility for all. He is Lord and Master, in other words. So what has happened to partnership? </p><p></p><p>Unless you can sit down and draw up some rules in the presence of an independent mediator (such as your counsellor) - rules such as "each of us to be fully responsible for our own children; each of us to stay out of any discipline issues concerning the other's children; we communicate politely and calmly with one another; we respect one another's autonomy - then this pattern of him dictating from On High will continue.</p><p></p><p>If this relationship continues to crash and burn, you need to also do your utmost to work out your own part in this. Not the "fault" angle - remember, this is not about blame. But why did you choose this man? What was it about him that drew you to him? Because if you don't work out what it is you were looking for, you could end up in the same situation again. You need to find your own strength and perhaps now more than ever, because he is draining your strength, your independence and your confidence out of you. That I find really concerning.</p><p></p><p>Maybe his daughter's behaviour is, at some level, making him feel out of control and to try to salvage some control he is asserting his strength on you instead. Because if he can control other people, then it's not him who is "to blame". He really is blame-focussed. But you are allowing this, so it's either because he has imposed this on you (at least partly) or you actively (although perhaps subconsciously) sought this out.</p><p></p><p>My sister J when she first married, was emotionally still a child. She was the vulnerable one in the family, the one who had always needed a bit more TLC because of her early problems (physically and emotionally). The bloke she married was handsome (had all the girls swooning, he looked and sang like a young Elvis) and physically strong. She found a Protector. It was exactly hat she needed. The problems however, were due to him not really being the Protector he seemed to be; he was, in fact, very weak and needed a wife he could rely on to lead him. So when she really needed a strong shoulder to lean on, Sir Galahad had feet of clay and didn't know how to comfort her or support her emotionally. Result - she learned to become strong in her own right. Over the years, she finally grew up. It took until her kids were in their teens before she realised one day that she had grown up, and her husband had not. she didn't need another teenager and although she was fond of him, she realised she had outgrown him. He was in shock - he hadn't changed, so why had she? But the change had been happening all the time, influenced by his own lack of change.</p><p></p><p>They split and divorced and for a while it was very unpleasant as he was still in love with her.</p><p></p><p>They are now good friends, both remarried. I personally have never really liked him (other than baby sister infatuation in my pre-teen years) because to me, he's a mindless football jerk. But apart from his lack of anything between the ears, he's actually a decent person.</p><p></p><p>My point is - her original reason for getting married was not a mature one, but nobody realised it at the time. His reason for marrying her was also not a deep one - it was typical early adult lust. Underneath it all, neither of them really knew each other. But he never changed, so when he remarried it again was for looks and for having a docile and malleable pretty girl on his arm. J on the other hand has remarried someone who respects her abilities and who is a great support. However, he is also a control freak which is that part of her, the uncertain little girl, still showing through.</p><p></p><p>All the best with what you decide to do from here.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 351617, member: 1991"] Extremely interesting. That does fit with what we conjectured - why should he feel threatened by this? And why did you feel you had to talk it over with him? Maybe this is a cultural difference here (I'm an Aussie and I do keep tripping over some big cultural gaps where you wouldn't think there are any) but I wouldn't have thought you would have needed to tell him of such a plan. Not that you would be going behind his back, necessarily (well, you would now, because he has forbidden it - but does he really have the right to tell you who you can and can't talk to?). But then - I also can and do tell husband everything so again, I can see why you keep your partner in the loop. But in this case, your relationship is already shaky. You know a lot of problem revolve around his inconsistency and his double standards as well as him not actually doing anything to 'fix' his daughter but instead enabling her. All you know about the problems are what he tells you, and frankly based on what you have shared with us, I wouldn't consider him to be a reliable source of knowledge on this score. It may not be his daughter's fault, but that doesn't mean action doesn't need to be taken. Interesting again - this has once more snapped back to a blaming game. And sometimes bad things happen and it is not a blame issue. Or if it is, it helps nobody to try to assign blame because while people stand around pointing fingers, more problems happen. I don't know why your counsellor said you should watch his son - without actually being there, I can't tell you whether you are right or not, although you seem to have such a strong feeling about this yourself, that seems to indicate that your husband is wrong and you aren't going to enjoy it, at least not this time, if you are instead worrying about your neglect of your own kids. He should not have married you in order to get a replacement parent for his kids; especially not if he's going to undermine you at every turn. If you were a hired nanny, hired to help his children, he would be behaving as a very bad employer to undermine you in front of the children. The tragedy is with the daughter's behaviour - he says it's not her fault (implying it's yours?) but your presence is definitely a catalyst for her bad behaviour. so if/when you split up, her behaviour will improve and he will feel vindicated in this opinion, at least. And he will crow about it and it will make him even less likely to change. If you are going to separate, bear that in mind. also bear in mind that I think you need to continue with your counselling (maybe get a second opinion if you feel this counsellor is too conciliatory - I feel you need a strong counsellor to challenge you and make you really think). Your husband is not getting a clear picture of the problems while he continues to put all his attention into one child only. I agree with you - he needs to be sole parent of BOTH kids for a weekend in order to get a clearer picture of just how difficult she can be. I suspect difficult child is perfect for daddy because he ensures he gives her one-on-one attention, without annoying little brother along. If you're going to divorce him anyway, then I would go talk to his wife (meet for coffee). If he accuses you of undermining him, ask him how that could be undermining him, when all you're trying to do is get a different perspective on the children he's been trying to force you to value. He should not be the sole conduit for information - frankly, to insist on all knowledge coming through him is worrying; it is very similar to the isolating tactics of an abuser. You are an individual with the rights of an individual; you should be able to come and go as you please, you should be able to see whosoever you choose to (unless it is being unfaithful to the relationship). For example, husband knows that there have been times that I have met with various male friends of mine. I tell him everything. One of my male friends used to make passes at me and I didn't like it (and told him so). I was wary of telling husband in detail because I wanted to handle the problem myself, and I did. However, husband did know in broad. At other times I have had dealings with people that husband didn't/doesn't like and he has been concerned for me, worried I'll get "burned". But at no time would husband ever forbid me to see someone, or utter such a threat. He will advise me, he will tell me he doesn't trust a person, he may even want to come along to make sure I am safe (legally as well as morally) but in this sort of situation, I'm sure husband would let me meet up. I must admit though - this has never come up between us, I am only guessing. We've never been married to anyone else; but he had a serious relationship before me, as I had before him. If either one of us wanted to meet up with the other's ex, I doubt either of us would try to forbid. His ex-girlfriend was actually a friend of mine from school (before I had met him). My ex-boyfriend when I was at school was someone husband also met and got along with, I believe. The situation with you and your husband seems to me to have turned into him being the parent to all of you, and you being the parent of none but expected to take the responsibility for all. He is Lord and Master, in other words. So what has happened to partnership? Unless you can sit down and draw up some rules in the presence of an independent mediator (such as your counsellor) - rules such as "each of us to be fully responsible for our own children; each of us to stay out of any discipline issues concerning the other's children; we communicate politely and calmly with one another; we respect one another's autonomy - then this pattern of him dictating from On High will continue. If this relationship continues to crash and burn, you need to also do your utmost to work out your own part in this. Not the "fault" angle - remember, this is not about blame. But why did you choose this man? What was it about him that drew you to him? Because if you don't work out what it is you were looking for, you could end up in the same situation again. You need to find your own strength and perhaps now more than ever, because he is draining your strength, your independence and your confidence out of you. That I find really concerning. Maybe his daughter's behaviour is, at some level, making him feel out of control and to try to salvage some control he is asserting his strength on you instead. Because if he can control other people, then it's not him who is "to blame". He really is blame-focussed. But you are allowing this, so it's either because he has imposed this on you (at least partly) or you actively (although perhaps subconsciously) sought this out. My sister J when she first married, was emotionally still a child. She was the vulnerable one in the family, the one who had always needed a bit more TLC because of her early problems (physically and emotionally). The bloke she married was handsome (had all the girls swooning, he looked and sang like a young Elvis) and physically strong. She found a Protector. It was exactly hat she needed. The problems however, were due to him not really being the Protector he seemed to be; he was, in fact, very weak and needed a wife he could rely on to lead him. So when she really needed a strong shoulder to lean on, Sir Galahad had feet of clay and didn't know how to comfort her or support her emotionally. Result - she learned to become strong in her own right. Over the years, she finally grew up. It took until her kids were in their teens before she realised one day that she had grown up, and her husband had not. she didn't need another teenager and although she was fond of him, she realised she had outgrown him. He was in shock - he hadn't changed, so why had she? But the change had been happening all the time, influenced by his own lack of change. They split and divorced and for a while it was very unpleasant as he was still in love with her. They are now good friends, both remarried. I personally have never really liked him (other than baby sister infatuation in my pre-teen years) because to me, he's a mindless football jerk. But apart from his lack of anything between the ears, he's actually a decent person. My point is - her original reason for getting married was not a mature one, but nobody realised it at the time. His reason for marrying her was also not a deep one - it was typical early adult lust. Underneath it all, neither of them really knew each other. But he never changed, so when he remarried it again was for looks and for having a docile and malleable pretty girl on his arm. J on the other hand has remarried someone who respects her abilities and who is a great support. However, he is also a control freak which is that part of her, the uncertain little girl, still showing through. All the best with what you decide to do from here. Marg [/QUOTE]
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