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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 754307" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I see the whole purpose of this site as this. Is growing to the point where we are the "story." </p><p></p><p>We've hijacked ourselves, Beta. Our sons haven't done it to us. They are just going on their way. We do it to ourselves. There is a way to learn to not do it so much. I think that's what we coach each other to do here. There are some of us who do it more easily. Others, like me, not so much.</p><p></p><p>You're right. Sometimes our kids can't or don't change. But we can. If we begin to see the important story as us, about us. Then there is a great deal of hope.</p><p></p><p>As I type this I begin to panic, in the pit of my stomach, because I begin to feel that if I am able to separate from my son, to really let his chaos go, that I will lose him. This is an unhealthy attachment on my part. I can let go of my son, and let him live as he chooses, and is able, without losing anything. In fact it would be a win-win. This fear is in me, about me, about myself. It's not fair to my son to make him carry it.</p><p></p><p>In some sense I wonder if Josh senses something like this with you too. And that's part of his anger.</p><p></p><p>Is it enmeshment I feel? I think so.</p><p></p><p>You and I are very alike, Beta, I think. Too much I experience what's happening with my son as "me" without sufficient boundary. It's like I can't be happy, feel contentment or safety or self-control, or do nice things for myself, let alone feel my life has been worthwhile and good, as long as I believe or fear that my son is not safe and thriving. This is a boundary issue.</p><p></p><p>Does any of this resonate?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 754307, member: 18958"] I see the whole purpose of this site as this. Is growing to the point where we are the "story." We've hijacked ourselves, Beta. Our sons haven't done it to us. They are just going on their way. We do it to ourselves. There is a way to learn to not do it so much. I think that's what we coach each other to do here. There are some of us who do it more easily. Others, like me, not so much. You're right. Sometimes our kids can't or don't change. But we can. If we begin to see the important story as us, about us. Then there is a great deal of hope. As I type this I begin to panic, in the pit of my stomach, because I begin to feel that if I am able to separate from my son, to really let his chaos go, that I will lose him. This is an unhealthy attachment on my part. I can let go of my son, and let him live as he chooses, and is able, without losing anything. In fact it would be a win-win. This fear is in me, about me, about myself. It's not fair to my son to make him carry it. In some sense I wonder if Josh senses something like this with you too. And that's part of his anger. Is it enmeshment I feel? I think so. You and I are very alike, Beta, I think. Too much I experience what's happening with my son as "me" without sufficient boundary. It's like I can't be happy, feel contentment or safety or self-control, or do nice things for myself, let alone feel my life has been worthwhile and good, as long as I believe or fear that my son is not safe and thriving. This is a boundary issue. Does any of this resonate? [/QUOTE]
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