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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 754311" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Maybe it’s so hard to let go because we see it as abandoning those fallen parts of our.... selves, those deep wounded places where we have been hurt, or have made mistakes we are not proud of and cannot forgive ourselves, or forget. May be all of this pain we suffer with our wayward kids choices is meant for us to look inward, to face our own issues, to shine light upon what has been hidden inside, to peel back the layers and start to heal those places that have been plaguing us.</p><p>All I know is that loving an addicted, mentally challenged adult child is ever so complicated and well, <em>macabre</em>. They know right where to poke us, to inflict hurt that rattles the core. I know I have written of this before and examined my own past in FOO, because hurt that deep connects to hurts covered over, buried.</p><p>I can not focus on my two, God, the universe, higher power, whatever you wish to call it has chosen another path for me. But that is still all tangled up in the choices Tornado has made, and still makes and how those choices have hurt her own children. So, in a way I am back to square one on a <em>generational</em> level.</p><p>It’s a trauma sandwich.</p><p>I was reading about trauma and different states the overwhelming stress causes, fright, flight, fight and disassociation where the reaction is to “leave your body”.</p><p>Disentanglement or detachment feels like that at first. It feels.... unnatural, floating away from that relationship mother, daughter. How does one even begin to separate from this? My child? Especially after years of loving and caring for them, then desperately trying everything to save them?</p><p>Disassociation, sometimes I feel like that is what I have done with my two, because it hurts so badly to stay <em>connected</em>. I love them, but I have had to build up a wall to protect my heart, my mind, my <em>self. </em>Am I floating over the reality of my twos situations, trudging on, but not really dealing with the pain of it? Is it manifesting in other forms, headaches, loss of energy. Because I do show a brave front, but there is admittedly this underlying sadness at times. Or even defensiveness as others judge my detachment and non- involvement. “How can you let your daughters be homeless?”</p><p>Or is that my inner consciousness chastising me? Am I battling with myself?</p><p> Yes to all.</p><p>I wax and wane between being resolute about no contact to lamenting my twos lifestyles and my disconnect.</p><p>It is written that when a child is able to face their trauma as something that <em>happened, </em>that does not <em>define them</em>, they are able to begin to heal.</p><p>Maybe the same holds true for us. What we have endured with our beloveds is traumatizing. Heart wrenching. It bloody hurts! We are shaken, mowed down by the sheer <em>insanity</em> of it. Who would have thought when holding them as youngsters, we would be at this juncture now? How absolutely earth shattering for a parent.</p><p>Our kids make these choices but it doesn’t define <em>us.</em> Who we are, what steps we take to better our lives. What our own future looks like.</p><p>Beta, for whatever reason your son is in a state of mind that is hurtful, cruel and unhealthy. It doesn’t mean that is <em>forever</em>. I think you have solid reason to take a break for now. For your sake and for his. The end of this story is not yet written. I struggle with that at times but forgive myself for that. Because this is hard. Who wouldn’t be going through the gamut of emotions. It is part of the journey to figure out what we are supposed to be learning.</p><p>Sorry if I am all over the place.</p><p> I am dealing with this storm in my brain. A fuzzy, feeling like a migraine aura. Over thinking. Over feeling. Is it the recent full moon or my weariness?</p><p>Just me, I guess.</p><p>Sending you prayers, hugs and love.</p><p>The battle is real.</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 754311, member: 19522"] Maybe it’s so hard to let go because we see it as abandoning those fallen parts of our.... selves, those deep wounded places where we have been hurt, or have made mistakes we are not proud of and cannot forgive ourselves, or forget. May be all of this pain we suffer with our wayward kids choices is meant for us to look inward, to face our own issues, to shine light upon what has been hidden inside, to peel back the layers and start to heal those places that have been plaguing us. All I know is that loving an addicted, mentally challenged adult child is ever so complicated and well, [I]macabre[/I]. They know right where to poke us, to inflict hurt that rattles the core. I know I have written of this before and examined my own past in FOO, because hurt that deep connects to hurts covered over, buried. I can not focus on my two, God, the universe, higher power, whatever you wish to call it has chosen another path for me. But that is still all tangled up in the choices Tornado has made, and still makes and how those choices have hurt her own children. So, in a way I am back to square one on a [I]generational[/I] level. It’s a trauma sandwich. I was reading about trauma and different states the overwhelming stress causes, fright, flight, fight and disassociation where the reaction is to “leave your body”. Disentanglement or detachment feels like that at first. It feels.... unnatural, floating away from that relationship mother, daughter. How does one even begin to separate from this? My child? Especially after years of loving and caring for them, then desperately trying everything to save them? Disassociation, sometimes I feel like that is what I have done with my two, because it hurts so badly to stay [I]connected[/I]. I love them, but I have had to build up a wall to protect my heart, my mind, my [I]self. [/I]Am I floating over the reality of my twos situations, trudging on, but not really dealing with the pain of it? Is it manifesting in other forms, headaches, loss of energy. Because I do show a brave front, but there is admittedly this underlying sadness at times. Or even defensiveness as others judge my detachment and non- involvement. “How can you let your daughters be homeless?” Or is that my inner consciousness chastising me? Am I battling with myself? Yes to all. I wax and wane between being resolute about no contact to lamenting my twos lifestyles and my disconnect. It is written that when a child is able to face their trauma as something that [I]happened, [/I]that does not [I]define them[/I], they are able to begin to heal. Maybe the same holds true for us. What we have endured with our beloveds is traumatizing. Heart wrenching. It bloody hurts! We are shaken, mowed down by the sheer [I]insanity[/I] of it. Who would have thought when holding them as youngsters, we would be at this juncture now? How absolutely earth shattering for a parent. Our kids make these choices but it doesn’t define [I]us.[/I] Who we are, what steps we take to better our lives. What our own future looks like. Beta, for whatever reason your son is in a state of mind that is hurtful, cruel and unhealthy. It doesn’t mean that is [I]forever[/I]. I think you have solid reason to take a break for now. For your sake and for his. The end of this story is not yet written. I struggle with that at times but forgive myself for that. Because this is hard. Who wouldn’t be going through the gamut of emotions. It is part of the journey to figure out what we are supposed to be learning. Sorry if I am all over the place. I am dealing with this storm in my brain. A fuzzy, feeling like a migraine aura. Over thinking. Over feeling. Is it the recent full moon or my weariness? Just me, I guess. Sending you prayers, hugs and love. The battle is real. Leafy [/QUOTE]
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