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Still Struggling with Detachment
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 728060" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hello Mumfdu. I am so sorry for the place you find yourself in, it is somewhere I find myself here and there, a realm of sighs, worry and questioning self, between detachment, wishing and hoping for change, wellness, maturity. The void of no contact and a yearning for the kids to just be better, do better. Then there is contact, a call a message, or news of my wayward daughters struggles. The effort to rise above and keep focus on what I <em>can</em> change renews itself. That effort is on me, my reactions. It is the only thing I have some control over. </p><p>Life is never a straight path, there are ups and downs, but this stuff can make us go sideways and topsy turvy.</p><p>We are walking a most difficult road, all of us here.</p><p>The trouble is, our addicted adult children are making choices that cause extreme consequences and chaos. When the call or message comes, a desperate plea for this, or that, they are not thinking of how their choices have led to their situation, or even how it all affects our mother hearts. They are at a "woe is me stage" and we are the ones they turn to. It is hard, not to fall into the pit with them. When I am struck with sadness over my two, questioning myself, rewinding the tapes of memories, I have to work hard to pick myself back up again. Long morning walks have helped me, I pray and think as I go, and this usually calms me and gets me on the right track.</p><p>So these were my thoughts this morning, because I found myself up in the early hours again, the still tropical humid air wafting through my window, the trees heavy and dripping with the nights rain. I wondered how my two were, and felt that sadness welling. I began to question myself, whether my heart had hardened, if the walls I built up to fend off the despair of the years of going through this were too much. <em>If I had become calloused and uncaring.</em></p><p>I almost missed my walk, but forced myself to go, I prayed for guidance and help to get through. There is a long steep hill on my route and as my breath quickened, my heart beat faster and the sweat poured, I thought of all of the times the kids had called, or showed up, lock stock and barrel, due to the latest drama caused by their drug use. Hubs and I would rearrange the house, our lives, lock our wallets in the car, and <em>hope that this time</em>, they would straighten themselves out. It wouldn't take long before the patterns set in and our lives were thrown into the chaos of their choices.</p><p>Sigh.</p><p>The answer came.</p><p>My resolute self began to speak to me.</p><p>"You are not hardened and calloused. It does not help your daughters to allow them to manipulate you and walk all over you. You are not saying no to your beloveds, <em>or rejecting them as your children</em>, you are saying no to their choice of drugging and partying. <strong>No</strong>, I will not be your "beast of burden", <strong>no</strong> I am not going to let your choices infiltrate my life, my peace, my soul."</p><p>There is a point, I think, no matter where any of us are on this journey, where we question ourselves. Where the line drawn between detachment and enabling becomes blurry and confused with our love for our adult children. This is when it is important to draw from our toolbox, be it fortifying ourselves with knowledge, reading, writing, praying, finding ways to shift focus and deflect the painful reality that a drug addicted adult child thinks of nothing else but the next high. Understanding that they will use anybody and anything to get what they want.</p><p><em>Especially us. </em></p><p>We become more of an opportunity for them, then people, I think. Rather than their mother, or father, we are a means to an end, and that end goal for them, <em>is more drugging</em>.</p><p>It is a bitter pill to swallow.</p><p>You have not given up on him Mum. Just as I have not given up on my two. I know that I am not the one to "fix" them. It has to come from them.</p><p> It is not cruel to say no. You are not the cause of his problems, drugs are. You are saying no to his choices, refusing to allow him to manipulate you, refusing to <em>let him use you and to make it easier for him to continue as is. </em></p><p>You are not cruel, or hard, just as I am not. Maybe a little more wizened to the machinations of drug addiction.</p><p> Hold on to that dream, that hope for a better tomorrow. I still do.</p><p>Where there is life, there is hope.</p><p>At the same time, I do not allow that hope to fool me. I just know that for now, as long as my daughters choose drugs, our relationship is strained. I have to shift focus to maintaining my own sanity.</p><p>It will help no one if I allow myself to go down with their ship of choices.</p><p></p><p>We are in a battle. With the choices our adult d cs make, the resulting consequences and our own desire to just see change, get a break from the whole bizarre situation. We are ordinary people in extraordinary circumstances.</p><p> Looking back at my photo albums, I never in a million years thought I would be at this juncture.</p><p>Stay strong Mum and make sure to take time out for yourself. It’s super important to be able to sleep. There’s so much information out about how lack of sleep and stress affects our health.</p><p>Your son is 20? I have been living with this for twenty years. That is not to say your son will not choose differently, he can. It has been only three years or so that I finally put my foot down, and my two know they cannot take advantage of me anymore.</p><p>The sooner he knows that you will not rescue him from the disasters he creates for himself, the sooner he will learn.</p><p>My d cs will be 30 and 39 this fall. I still hope that they will see the light and we can have that coffee one day.</p><p>Until then, I will be very cautious about any interaction with them. They have taken so much advantage of me and my aching heart. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling sad and in despair over their choices.</p><p>Please be very kind to yourself and know that you are not alone.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 728060, member: 19522"] Hello Mumfdu. I am so sorry for the place you find yourself in, it is somewhere I find myself here and there, a realm of sighs, worry and questioning self, between detachment, wishing and hoping for change, wellness, maturity. The void of no contact and a yearning for the kids to just be better, do better. Then there is contact, a call a message, or news of my wayward daughters struggles. The effort to rise above and keep focus on what I [I]can[/I] change renews itself. That effort is on me, my reactions. It is the only thing I have some control over. Life is never a straight path, there are ups and downs, but this stuff can make us go sideways and topsy turvy. We are walking a most difficult road, all of us here. The trouble is, our addicted adult children are making choices that cause extreme consequences and chaos. When the call or message comes, a desperate plea for this, or that, they are not thinking of how their choices have led to their situation, or even how it all affects our mother hearts. They are at a "woe is me stage" and we are the ones they turn to. It is hard, not to fall into the pit with them. When I am struck with sadness over my two, questioning myself, rewinding the tapes of memories, I have to work hard to pick myself back up again. Long morning walks have helped me, I pray and think as I go, and this usually calms me and gets me on the right track. So these were my thoughts this morning, because I found myself up in the early hours again, the still tropical humid air wafting through my window, the trees heavy and dripping with the nights rain. I wondered how my two were, and felt that sadness welling. I began to question myself, whether my heart had hardened, if the walls I built up to fend off the despair of the years of going through this were too much. [I]If I had become calloused and uncaring.[/I] I almost missed my walk, but forced myself to go, I prayed for guidance and help to get through. There is a long steep hill on my route and as my breath quickened, my heart beat faster and the sweat poured, I thought of all of the times the kids had called, or showed up, lock stock and barrel, due to the latest drama caused by their drug use. Hubs and I would rearrange the house, our lives, lock our wallets in the car, and [I]hope that this time[/I], they would straighten themselves out. It wouldn't take long before the patterns set in and our lives were thrown into the chaos of their choices. Sigh. The answer came. My resolute self began to speak to me. "You are not hardened and calloused. It does not help your daughters to allow them to manipulate you and walk all over you. You are not saying no to your beloveds, [I]or rejecting them as your children[/I], you are saying no to their choice of drugging and partying. [B]No[/B], I will not be your "beast of burden", [B]no[/B] I am not going to let your choices infiltrate my life, my peace, my soul." There is a point, I think, no matter where any of us are on this journey, where we question ourselves. Where the line drawn between detachment and enabling becomes blurry and confused with our love for our adult children. This is when it is important to draw from our toolbox, be it fortifying ourselves with knowledge, reading, writing, praying, finding ways to shift focus and deflect the painful reality that a drug addicted adult child thinks of nothing else but the next high. Understanding that they will use anybody and anything to get what they want. [I]Especially us. [/I] We become more of an opportunity for them, then people, I think. Rather than their mother, or father, we are a means to an end, and that end goal for them, [I]is more drugging[/I]. It is a bitter pill to swallow. You have not given up on him Mum. Just as I have not given up on my two. I know that I am not the one to "fix" them. It has to come from them. It is not cruel to say no. You are not the cause of his problems, drugs are. You are saying no to his choices, refusing to allow him to manipulate you, refusing to [I]let him use you and to make it easier for him to continue as is. [/I] You are not cruel, or hard, just as I am not. Maybe a little more wizened to the machinations of drug addiction. Hold on to that dream, that hope for a better tomorrow. I still do. Where there is life, there is hope. At the same time, I do not allow that hope to fool me. I just know that for now, as long as my daughters choose drugs, our relationship is strained. I have to shift focus to maintaining my own sanity. It will help no one if I allow myself to go down with their ship of choices. We are in a battle. With the choices our adult d cs make, the resulting consequences and our own desire to just see change, get a break from the whole bizarre situation. We are ordinary people in extraordinary circumstances. Looking back at my photo albums, I never in a million years thought I would be at this juncture. Stay strong Mum and make sure to take time out for yourself. It’s super important to be able to sleep. There’s so much information out about how lack of sleep and stress affects our health. Your son is 20? I have been living with this for twenty years. That is not to say your son will not choose differently, he can. It has been only three years or so that I finally put my foot down, and my two know they cannot take advantage of me anymore. The sooner he knows that you will not rescue him from the disasters he creates for himself, the sooner he will learn. My d cs will be 30 and 39 this fall. I still hope that they will see the light and we can have that coffee one day. Until then, I will be very cautious about any interaction with them. They have taken so much advantage of me and my aching heart. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling sad and in despair over their choices. Please be very kind to yourself and know that you are not alone. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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