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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 642990" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>I understand this is your third child who is a difficult child. I can only imagine how tired you are. Please know that it is very unlikely that you will never see him again. My difficult child said that time and again, he threatened suicide time and again, one time he did, sent a text photo with his bleeding wrist (very superficial) to his girlfriend, and i called the police and we talked him out of his dad's garage...on and on and on. Today he is 25 and working two jobs. I firmly believe although he has depression and anxiety that he never intended in any way to kill himself, only to get attention and in a strange, twisted way, a cry for help, but only the kind of help he wanted then, which was for us to take care of him and let him do whatever he wanted. </p><p></p><p>Our difficult children need so much help for so long, and everybody around them can see it but them. That is the disease of addiction. The disease itself tells them they are handling it all and don't need help. It is infuriating and soul-crushing to watch for us. And we have to learn that we can't do one single solitary thing to hurry up the change that needs to happen. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes this is so very true. I remember when I first heard this truth and my mind and heart said, but, but, but, and yes that is true too, they are so very immature despite their chronological age which society says is adult. There is no redemption here in parsing this. Society, the one we live in and function in, says age 18 is an adult for almost everything and certainly 21 brings with it complete rights and responsibilities. Yes, our difficult children have their maturity stunted by mental illness but that doesn't matter. They still have to live by the rules of society because we know that all of the mother love in the world won't convince the police to let them go and not send them to jail when they break those rules. Ultimately we have to accept it. And it is the hardest dose of medicine we will ever take. </p><p></p><p>My son has been homeless 5 times in the coldest parts of the year sleeping on benches wrapped up in wet blankets and outside a McDonald's in a city four hours from here twice for days and weeks on end, and just down the road 2 miles from me for months. I have had to learn and I am a slowwwww learner, believe me, that i have to let this play out. I have tried everything else and I have argued with myself in the dark of the night back and forth and up and down, well this time MIGHT be different, and that was just one more excuse to make myself feel better and able to tolerate the despair a mother feels living in a 3000 square foot house alone, the house her difficult child grew up in, while just one mile away he sleeps outside on a bench in the rain and cold wrapped in a wet blanket. I know this pain and so many of us on this site do, and so do you. We are united in it, each one of us. </p><p></p><p>That is where we speak from, when we talk to each other. We speak from this deep and sad knowing, listening to others who are following behind us, so sad knowing what addiction is and what it does to everybody involved. </p><p></p><p>And little by little, if we are lucky, we turn and we begin to focus on ourselves, and to LET OUR CHILDREN GO. We begin to be grateful for what we do have and we start to learn to focus on that, and to somehow, someway begin to accept the reality of our difficult children. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>There is, and that light may have nothing to do with whether difficult child gets straight or not. The light is in ourselves and in the growth we can experience, and the peace, joy and serenity we can experience every single day, regardless of what our difficult children are doing or not doing. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It's the addiction. It's not them. It's the addiction. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, me too. been there done that. I did it all, put money on the accounts, sent books, visited, paid for phone calls. I couldn't stand not to. Until little by little, I could stand not to. And I stopped. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>What happened is the mental illness, the primary diagnosis of addiction. It has not one single thing to do with you and anything you did or didn't do. Learn enough about this disease to own that truth and claim that truth. I have been a very, very good mother to both my sons. A vigilant, involved, dinner-on-the-table-every-night, church-every-Sunday, whose-house-are-you-going-to-I-am-calling-them mother. I love my sons and they experienced my love and my vigilance (perhaps over-vigilance, lol) every single day of their lives. This has nothing to do with that. I firmly believe that. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Nothing. See above. You did the best you could every day. And that is all anybody can ever do. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Please read Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend and CoDependent No More by Melodie Beattie for starters. Go to Al-Anon. Get therapy and counseling. Start spending 30 minutes every single day on study, prayer, journaling and meditation. Put as much energy and time into YOU as you have your precious difficult children. It will pay tremendous dividends and you will begin to start seeing that light at the end of the tunnel that is YOU growing and changing and learning how to accept reality.</p><p></p><p>Fighting reality doesn't work. Accepting reality---the hardest thing to do in life---does work.</p><p></p><p>Warm Hugs. I felt compelled to write all of this, this morning. It helps me as well as I hope it helps you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 642990, member: 17542"] I understand this is your third child who is a difficult child. I can only imagine how tired you are. Please know that it is very unlikely that you will never see him again. My difficult child said that time and again, he threatened suicide time and again, one time he did, sent a text photo with his bleeding wrist (very superficial) to his girlfriend, and i called the police and we talked him out of his dad's garage...on and on and on. Today he is 25 and working two jobs. I firmly believe although he has depression and anxiety that he never intended in any way to kill himself, only to get attention and in a strange, twisted way, a cry for help, but only the kind of help he wanted then, which was for us to take care of him and let him do whatever he wanted. Our difficult children need so much help for so long, and everybody around them can see it but them. That is the disease of addiction. The disease itself tells them they are handling it all and don't need help. It is infuriating and soul-crushing to watch for us. And we have to learn that we can't do one single solitary thing to hurry up the change that needs to happen. Yes this is so very true. I remember when I first heard this truth and my mind and heart said, but, but, but, and yes that is true too, they are so very immature despite their chronological age which society says is adult. There is no redemption here in parsing this. Society, the one we live in and function in, says age 18 is an adult for almost everything and certainly 21 brings with it complete rights and responsibilities. Yes, our difficult children have their maturity stunted by mental illness but that doesn't matter. They still have to live by the rules of society because we know that all of the mother love in the world won't convince the police to let them go and not send them to jail when they break those rules. Ultimately we have to accept it. And it is the hardest dose of medicine we will ever take. My son has been homeless 5 times in the coldest parts of the year sleeping on benches wrapped up in wet blankets and outside a McDonald's in a city four hours from here twice for days and weeks on end, and just down the road 2 miles from me for months. I have had to learn and I am a slowwwww learner, believe me, that i have to let this play out. I have tried everything else and I have argued with myself in the dark of the night back and forth and up and down, well this time MIGHT be different, and that was just one more excuse to make myself feel better and able to tolerate the despair a mother feels living in a 3000 square foot house alone, the house her difficult child grew up in, while just one mile away he sleeps outside on a bench in the rain and cold wrapped in a wet blanket. I know this pain and so many of us on this site do, and so do you. We are united in it, each one of us. That is where we speak from, when we talk to each other. We speak from this deep and sad knowing, listening to others who are following behind us, so sad knowing what addiction is and what it does to everybody involved. And little by little, if we are lucky, we turn and we begin to focus on ourselves, and to LET OUR CHILDREN GO. We begin to be grateful for what we do have and we start to learn to focus on that, and to somehow, someway begin to accept the reality of our difficult children. There is, and that light may have nothing to do with whether difficult child gets straight or not. The light is in ourselves and in the growth we can experience, and the peace, joy and serenity we can experience every single day, regardless of what our difficult children are doing or not doing. It's the addiction. It's not them. It's the addiction. Yes, me too. been there done that. I did it all, put money on the accounts, sent books, visited, paid for phone calls. I couldn't stand not to. Until little by little, I could stand not to. And I stopped. What happened is the mental illness, the primary diagnosis of addiction. It has not one single thing to do with you and anything you did or didn't do. Learn enough about this disease to own that truth and claim that truth. I have been a very, very good mother to both my sons. A vigilant, involved, dinner-on-the-table-every-night, church-every-Sunday, whose-house-are-you-going-to-I-am-calling-them mother. I love my sons and they experienced my love and my vigilance (perhaps over-vigilance, lol) every single day of their lives. This has nothing to do with that. I firmly believe that. Nothing. See above. You did the best you could every day. And that is all anybody can ever do. Please read Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend and CoDependent No More by Melodie Beattie for starters. Go to Al-Anon. Get therapy and counseling. Start spending 30 minutes every single day on study, prayer, journaling and meditation. Put as much energy and time into YOU as you have your precious difficult children. It will pay tremendous dividends and you will begin to start seeing that light at the end of the tunnel that is YOU growing and changing and learning how to accept reality. Fighting reality doesn't work. Accepting reality---the hardest thing to do in life---does work. Warm Hugs. I felt compelled to write all of this, this morning. It helps me as well as I hope it helps you. [/QUOTE]
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