I think I was far more easy child than most PCs, but I do remember getting cranky with my mother because she always said, "Would you please...?" when asking me to do something, when I KNEW that I was expected to do it without argument.
I did say once, "What would you do if I said, 'No'?"
She got very angry with me, when all I was asking was, "What would you say?" I really wanted to know. I guess that was the literal-minded side of me that has now contributed genetically to Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids.
She really didn't understand I was trying to work out the logic, not be defiant. I had no intention of refusing; I just wanted to be asked in an honest way.
What works for us with difficult child 3 is similar - but we team-tag. Sometimes we give him a choice. "OK, the chooks have to be fed and watered, and the vegetables have to be peeled. I'll do one, you do the other and when we're both done we can play a game. Which one do you want to do?"
It demonstrates that in our household we all have to pull our weight to produce results that benefit everybody; and to work cooperatively brings a net benefit.
If I ask him to do too much in too short a space of time, he gets his back up. "Please empty the dishwasher, do the chooks and then run the bath," will get him saying, "No! It's too much! I'll do one of those things, but no more!"
What works best of all, long-term - showing respect to get respect. But we have to start first. There is no point chiding a kid for shouting, if you're shouting at him. Even if he started it - as soon as your voice is raised, you lose your bargaining position.
The other thing that works for us - getting inside his head and working with what's there.
Marg
