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Stress-busting tips please!
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 130204" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>There are some good ideas here.</p><p></p><p>She's already into computers in a big way, has her own laptop and is role-playing on her fave animé website, which involves her writing her own avatar's fantasy journal and back-story. But lately says that it's getting boring, with too many people saying, "I feel a bit awkward here," and getting out of character in the RP and thoroughly annoying her. I suspect this is what has always been happening, but her increasing intolerance (plus increasing obsessiveness over this) is the problem, for the other players.</p><p></p><p>It's also costing us a great deal in download, we are limited in our usage. She brings us close yo our maximum limit each moth but we've been letting her get away with it because she starts screaming at us again if we dare to suggest she cut back (for our sakes). It is for that reason I only rarely access YouTube videos.</p><p></p><p>Soap-making - we have space in outdoor storage that we could use to cure soap - with Australia's fairly arid and warm climate it wouldn't take so long. She could use mother in law's very warm laundry if necessary, or the sleepout she shares with BF2 which is warm. I use either the sleepout of mother in law's laundry to prove my bread when I'm baking.</p><p></p><p>Cooking - she has a few of her own favourite recipes, but like a lot of things she insists on what SHE wants. I'm beginning to realise just how much I have given in to her in little ways over the years. I've always tried to compromise to cook what people want, which at times means modifying a meal or removing serves early, so we can get as close as possible. She doesn't like change; she asks for help if she has to step outside the square. "I haven't got any cream cheese for this recipe, what can I use?"</p><p>And the classic, so oft-heard - "I'm just reheating last night's leftovers. What setting do I use on the microwave? How long for?"</p><p>If I dare reply with, "Work it out for yourself - it's what I have to do!" or my standard, "Give it two minutes on medium, then check it, stir it and give it more in 30 second bursts", I get tantrums of, "I can't do this! Just tell me now, exactly how to do it!"</p><p></p><p>With food - I don't cook biscuits because I prefer using nuts in them and she won't eat biscuits with nuts in. If I cook a stir-fry meal (which she loves) the only nuts I may use are cashews. I make risotto without any change - no added chicken meat, and certainly no peas. And yet, it is how everyone else prefers it. She is so thin, I'm reluctant to tell her to eat it or go without - she will go without.</p><p></p><p>She helps me make fresh pasta. Gnocchi is therapeutic, but she hates it so won't make it. She's made play-dough (had to, for her college course), but doesn't like getting dough on her hands. She refuses to handle raw meat, even with gloves on. mother in law is similar (and also, I suspect, at least partly Aspie, or something similar to easy child 2/difficult child 2 in some odd ways).</p><p>She sometimes helps me with bread dough, but again, is fussy about what I make and how I shape it.</p><p></p><p>I'll suggest the soap. I'd love your recipe, if you've found some techniques to streamline the process. I have a comprehensive set of essential oils, plus I grow a lot of fresh herbs (especially fragrance plants) and have textbooks on herbalism and aromatherapy (which could be partly why my fundamentalist cleaner doubts my faith and thinks I'm a closet dabbler in the occult). </p><p></p><p>I might also suggest sketching - she's meticulous in anything she creates (always has been, from infancy - it was weird, seeing the first drawings she did). Maybe if she carries a sketch book...</p><p></p><p>She's also a skilled writer. I was trying to get her to collaborate with me on a children's book, but I think I'll have to give up.</p><p></p><p>I was talking to my best friend today, sharing with her about our problem children (her son was in court yesterday - acquitted, thank goodness). She says that from her experience (most of easy child 2/difficult child 2's life) this is about control. She needs to be in absolute control of everyone and everything around her. One of her co-workers (who used to be her trainer) tells me that easy child 2/difficult child 2 insists on doing things her own way, even if it is slower. Independently, easy child 2/difficult child 2 complains about her former trainer because she nags, nitpicks and can't understand that sometimes you need to do things properly the first time. </p><p>easy child 2/difficult child 2 can never be wrong. If you have any criticisms, it often triggers a meltdown as she gets defensive. She might get home from work and I'll say, "How was your day?"</p><p>She might answer, "Tiring."</p><p>If I say, "Can you get a chance to sit and rest at lunchtime?" I will get an escalating diatribe of, "How can I rest? I get half an hour - that's HALF an hour, not a whole hour, and in that time I'm expected to go buy my lunch, find a space somewhere to eat it, stop myself from feeling sick, get back to work, grab a drink of water and you expect me to find the time to REST? How could you? I thought you at least would understand just how hectic it is, and here you are criticising me instead of trying to help! I DON'T KNOW WHY I EVEN BOTHER!!" [rushes off to room, slamming doors, floods of tears.]</p><p></p><p>She is stressed to the eyeballs. And as a result, so are we. And I just can't convince her doctor of this, partly because if I try to explain while she is there, it will cause all sorts of problems and miscommunications. He is a very peaceful man, he would probably throw us out.</p><p></p><p>So, suggestions to date that I think have the most legs - </p><p></p><p>1) getting her to make her own lists of how to de-stress.</p><p></p><p>2) Anything with smells - massage oils (dabbling in and using), bath salts, fragrant soap, candles. </p><p></p><p>3) Garden - her roses (learn more, get practical, maybe try rose breeding, grafting). Herbs, vegetables, topiary. I don't think I can hook her into bonsai - I've tried. But small potted topiary is possible.</p><p></p><p>4) Sketchbook/diary, as an alternative to her computer activity.</p><p></p><p>5) Puzzle book.</p><p></p><p>6) when she's home with access to her computer, get her to do some online puzzles, games, role-playing and associated stuff.</p><p></p><p>7) Maybe encourage her to work with BF2 and paint up her own figurines.</p><p></p><p>8) Painting? Other craft? I have supplies...</p><p></p><p>There are other ideas for which she needs more leisure time - horseriding, for example.</p><p></p><p>As for getting her to help me tidy up - that would blow her stress over the top, she'd be screaming at people in seconds. I can just imagine how SHE would have reacted to difficult child 1's mess we found in the living room today - "difficult child 1! Come here RIGHT NOW and pick up your rubbish!" She gets a shrill tone to her voice that sets your teeth on edge, difficult child 1 really gets angry with her and they do almost come to blows.</p><p></p><p>I really do have to have a long, serious talk to BF2, if he is willing to hear me. For his future sake, he has to come on board with this, or she will be HIS fishwife...</p><p></p><p>That's the summary so far, of things we haven't already tried or which I know have a chance of working. I'll hopefully get to talk to her tomorrow night (they went out for diner, are still not home, said they may be staying overnight with friends, we're out early in the morning). </p><p></p><p>Please keep any new ideas rolling in. It's at least partly the Ross Greene principal - if she sees me making all this effort to help her de-stress, she might stop being so adversarial. She might also realise just how desperate I'm feeling!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 130204, member: 1991"] There are some good ideas here. She's already into computers in a big way, has her own laptop and is role-playing on her fave animé website, which involves her writing her own avatar's fantasy journal and back-story. But lately says that it's getting boring, with too many people saying, "I feel a bit awkward here," and getting out of character in the RP and thoroughly annoying her. I suspect this is what has always been happening, but her increasing intolerance (plus increasing obsessiveness over this) is the problem, for the other players. It's also costing us a great deal in download, we are limited in our usage. She brings us close yo our maximum limit each moth but we've been letting her get away with it because she starts screaming at us again if we dare to suggest she cut back (for our sakes). It is for that reason I only rarely access YouTube videos. Soap-making - we have space in outdoor storage that we could use to cure soap - with Australia's fairly arid and warm climate it wouldn't take so long. She could use mother in law's very warm laundry if necessary, or the sleepout she shares with BF2 which is warm. I use either the sleepout of mother in law's laundry to prove my bread when I'm baking. Cooking - she has a few of her own favourite recipes, but like a lot of things she insists on what SHE wants. I'm beginning to realise just how much I have given in to her in little ways over the years. I've always tried to compromise to cook what people want, which at times means modifying a meal or removing serves early, so we can get as close as possible. She doesn't like change; she asks for help if she has to step outside the square. "I haven't got any cream cheese for this recipe, what can I use?" And the classic, so oft-heard - "I'm just reheating last night's leftovers. What setting do I use on the microwave? How long for?" If I dare reply with, "Work it out for yourself - it's what I have to do!" or my standard, "Give it two minutes on medium, then check it, stir it and give it more in 30 second bursts", I get tantrums of, "I can't do this! Just tell me now, exactly how to do it!" With food - I don't cook biscuits because I prefer using nuts in them and she won't eat biscuits with nuts in. If I cook a stir-fry meal (which she loves) the only nuts I may use are cashews. I make risotto without any change - no added chicken meat, and certainly no peas. And yet, it is how everyone else prefers it. She is so thin, I'm reluctant to tell her to eat it or go without - she will go without. She helps me make fresh pasta. Gnocchi is therapeutic, but she hates it so won't make it. She's made play-dough (had to, for her college course), but doesn't like getting dough on her hands. She refuses to handle raw meat, even with gloves on. mother in law is similar (and also, I suspect, at least partly Aspie, or something similar to easy child 2/difficult child 2 in some odd ways). She sometimes helps me with bread dough, but again, is fussy about what I make and how I shape it. I'll suggest the soap. I'd love your recipe, if you've found some techniques to streamline the process. I have a comprehensive set of essential oils, plus I grow a lot of fresh herbs (especially fragrance plants) and have textbooks on herbalism and aromatherapy (which could be partly why my fundamentalist cleaner doubts my faith and thinks I'm a closet dabbler in the occult). I might also suggest sketching - she's meticulous in anything she creates (always has been, from infancy - it was weird, seeing the first drawings she did). Maybe if she carries a sketch book... She's also a skilled writer. I was trying to get her to collaborate with me on a children's book, but I think I'll have to give up. I was talking to my best friend today, sharing with her about our problem children (her son was in court yesterday - acquitted, thank goodness). She says that from her experience (most of easy child 2/difficult child 2's life) this is about control. She needs to be in absolute control of everyone and everything around her. One of her co-workers (who used to be her trainer) tells me that easy child 2/difficult child 2 insists on doing things her own way, even if it is slower. Independently, easy child 2/difficult child 2 complains about her former trainer because she nags, nitpicks and can't understand that sometimes you need to do things properly the first time. easy child 2/difficult child 2 can never be wrong. If you have any criticisms, it often triggers a meltdown as she gets defensive. She might get home from work and I'll say, "How was your day?" She might answer, "Tiring." If I say, "Can you get a chance to sit and rest at lunchtime?" I will get an escalating diatribe of, "How can I rest? I get half an hour - that's HALF an hour, not a whole hour, and in that time I'm expected to go buy my lunch, find a space somewhere to eat it, stop myself from feeling sick, get back to work, grab a drink of water and you expect me to find the time to REST? How could you? I thought you at least would understand just how hectic it is, and here you are criticising me instead of trying to help! I DON'T KNOW WHY I EVEN BOTHER!!" [rushes off to room, slamming doors, floods of tears.] She is stressed to the eyeballs. And as a result, so are we. And I just can't convince her doctor of this, partly because if I try to explain while she is there, it will cause all sorts of problems and miscommunications. He is a very peaceful man, he would probably throw us out. So, suggestions to date that I think have the most legs - 1) getting her to make her own lists of how to de-stress. 2) Anything with smells - massage oils (dabbling in and using), bath salts, fragrant soap, candles. 3) Garden - her roses (learn more, get practical, maybe try rose breeding, grafting). Herbs, vegetables, topiary. I don't think I can hook her into bonsai - I've tried. But small potted topiary is possible. 4) Sketchbook/diary, as an alternative to her computer activity. 5) Puzzle book. 6) when she's home with access to her computer, get her to do some online puzzles, games, role-playing and associated stuff. 7) Maybe encourage her to work with BF2 and paint up her own figurines. 8) Painting? Other craft? I have supplies... There are other ideas for which she needs more leisure time - horseriding, for example. As for getting her to help me tidy up - that would blow her stress over the top, she'd be screaming at people in seconds. I can just imagine how SHE would have reacted to difficult child 1's mess we found in the living room today - "difficult child 1! Come here RIGHT NOW and pick up your rubbish!" She gets a shrill tone to her voice that sets your teeth on edge, difficult child 1 really gets angry with her and they do almost come to blows. I really do have to have a long, serious talk to BF2, if he is willing to hear me. For his future sake, he has to come on board with this, or she will be HIS fishwife... That's the summary so far, of things we haven't already tried or which I know have a chance of working. I'll hopefully get to talk to her tomorrow night (they went out for diner, are still not home, said they may be staying overnight with friends, we're out early in the morning). Please keep any new ideas rolling in. It's at least partly the Ross Greene principal - if she sees me making all this effort to help her de-stress, she might stop being so adversarial. She might also realise just how desperate I'm feeling! Marg [/QUOTE]
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