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Stressed, trying to detach!
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 631467" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi there. I am on the way out so if I missed a few things, I apologize. I skimmed over it.</p><p></p><p>The age 33 caught my attention right away. You have a man approaching middle age here, as do I. You have spent more on him, I"ll bet, than on anyone else or anything else or those loved ones who behave well and treat you with respect and don't break the law. Bipolar is not excuse for breaking the law. I have a severe mood disorder. Never seen jail. I was out on my own at eighteen and my parents told me "Have a good life." I think it helped rather than hurt me to have them withdraw support, although they certainly weren't trying to be nice. Still, I had to be mindful of taking my medication, of not abusing drugs of alcohol (that in itself is going to make a mentally ill person worse and it is their choice to do it) and to figure out how to handle my own life. And if I couldn't do it, oh, well, I still had to handle it myself. It wasn't easy, but I certainly never got into the messes your son did. Those are his choices...he is behaving like a wayward child. Personally, I feel it would be better for you and for him if you cut him off monetarily forever and did not allow him to live at home. Goodness, he is 33 and you can't live forever. Who will be his mommy when you are no longer here? Now about you trying to help him. You can't. That's right. There is not one thing you can do for him. You have 0% control over him. He has Civil Rights and only he, as the middle age man he is, can make decisions that are good for him. You can not succeed at this. You can only control yourself and your reaction to his dysfunction and childish unwillingness to do all he can to be well. You can have a good life in spite of his struggles and focus on yourself and your other loved ones and your friends and your hobbies and your rest of your life. He is way past the mommy stage. If he keeps harassing you at home and work you may have to take out a restraining order on him. Sorry, but he is being so selfish, scaring you and risking your job just because at 33 he wants you to mommy him. Don't do it. But do get a restraining order telling him he can't step on your property or visit you at work and ignore his phone calls. He is way out of line. This young man is playing you...he sounds a bit like my 36 year old...a man who has some antisocial personality disorder traits and they are great foolers. They say they love you, cry, and then steal you blind. After a time, we should turn them into the cops, not forgive them. They run out of chances...and, for pity sakes, stop paying for his housing!!! Let him get a job or live where he can couch surf. You are wasting your money, sweetie. You really are.</p><p></p><p>I have to go now, but I highly recommend going to Al-Anon. If you've done it before, try it again with a new mindset. Maybe consider this a new step in your life where you start to let go of him and learn how to take care of an important person you have been neglecting...YOU! Al-Anon is a great resource, even if you are not religious. Do not continue to try to fix what you can't. You've tried everything. Nothing worked. Why? Because he is not you and only he can fix himself. So do something wonderful for you today and I'd read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie (God, I hope I spelled that right.) It's a great start. Your son is way too old to have you taking care of him, hon. MIne is 36 and I let go. I will talk more later. Try to have a peaceful, serene day and make it about YOU. Your son knows how to survive on the streets and will be fine. Hugs for your hurting mommy heart.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 631467, member: 1550"] Hi there. I am on the way out so if I missed a few things, I apologize. I skimmed over it. The age 33 caught my attention right away. You have a man approaching middle age here, as do I. You have spent more on him, I"ll bet, than on anyone else or anything else or those loved ones who behave well and treat you with respect and don't break the law. Bipolar is not excuse for breaking the law. I have a severe mood disorder. Never seen jail. I was out on my own at eighteen and my parents told me "Have a good life." I think it helped rather than hurt me to have them withdraw support, although they certainly weren't trying to be nice. Still, I had to be mindful of taking my medication, of not abusing drugs of alcohol (that in itself is going to make a mentally ill person worse and it is their choice to do it) and to figure out how to handle my own life. And if I couldn't do it, oh, well, I still had to handle it myself. It wasn't easy, but I certainly never got into the messes your son did. Those are his choices...he is behaving like a wayward child. Personally, I feel it would be better for you and for him if you cut him off monetarily forever and did not allow him to live at home. Goodness, he is 33 and you can't live forever. Who will be his mommy when you are no longer here? Now about you trying to help him. You can't. That's right. There is not one thing you can do for him. You have 0% control over him. He has Civil Rights and only he, as the middle age man he is, can make decisions that are good for him. You can not succeed at this. You can only control yourself and your reaction to his dysfunction and childish unwillingness to do all he can to be well. You can have a good life in spite of his struggles and focus on yourself and your other loved ones and your friends and your hobbies and your rest of your life. He is way past the mommy stage. If he keeps harassing you at home and work you may have to take out a restraining order on him. Sorry, but he is being so selfish, scaring you and risking your job just because at 33 he wants you to mommy him. Don't do it. But do get a restraining order telling him he can't step on your property or visit you at work and ignore his phone calls. He is way out of line. This young man is playing you...he sounds a bit like my 36 year old...a man who has some antisocial personality disorder traits and they are great foolers. They say they love you, cry, and then steal you blind. After a time, we should turn them into the cops, not forgive them. They run out of chances...and, for pity sakes, stop paying for his housing!!! Let him get a job or live where he can couch surf. You are wasting your money, sweetie. You really are. I have to go now, but I highly recommend going to Al-Anon. If you've done it before, try it again with a new mindset. Maybe consider this a new step in your life where you start to let go of him and learn how to take care of an important person you have been neglecting...YOU! Al-Anon is a great resource, even if you are not religious. Do not continue to try to fix what you can't. You've tried everything. Nothing worked. Why? Because he is not you and only he can fix himself. So do something wonderful for you today and I'd read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie (God, I hope I spelled that right.) It's a great start. Your son is way too old to have you taking care of him, hon. MIne is 36 and I let go. I will talk more later. Try to have a peaceful, serene day and make it about YOU. Your son knows how to survive on the streets and will be fine. Hugs for your hurting mommy heart. [/QUOTE]
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