This is what helped me change. I began to believe that I had the responsibility to be a better person. That I had work to do here on earth, and responsibilities to live well, beyond being a mother. And my son, equally, had responsibilities here on earth to be a better person. Not just a better son. A better human with a better life. And that if our connection was so corrosive it was wrong to continue it in the same way.
I had a bigger relationship to be concerned with and that was my relationship to life itself, or G-d. This enabled me to see what was happening to me in the larger picture. That I was living badly. And with that, I had control and responsibility. The agency was not only with my son. I had agency.
And then I was able to see that my son had a relationship with his own life, and a purpose to live, that had nothing at all to do with me. It was his purpose to find. With that when the pain comes, and it does, I can let it go. Because really, it is out of my hands. Like earthquakes and Tsunamis.. Even typing that causes the pain to come. Physical pain in my gut. The dread. The sense of threat and danger. But I can let it go. I don't have to hold onto it. I can "let it be." Because life is full of scary things.
But more than that, it is our responsibility to do what we can in this life. That is what I think now. And that is the place I go to. I try not to wallow in the pain and fear.
That brings up boundaries. I know now where my son needs to be located in my life. And that's where the pain, struggle and conflict are minimal. I can choose to say no. And insist that he, not me, is the person who has to take responsibility for the consequences of his choices. It's his job to find a way for himself to take care of his own, physical, mental, and spiritual well-being. There are resources socially to do this. All I have to offer are kindness and love. But that takes reciprocity.
