Wishing I could immediately absorb your wise words and programme my thoughts to not automatically gravitate to what my son is thinking right now, is he holding himself accountable, is he thinking of me and his brother. I know this going to take a lot of energy and focus to shift those gears. Cycling through the stages of grief, sometimes all of them within a day is exhausting. In the short term my goal is preventing myself from phoning him or even those in his circle to get the low down on his whereabouts or insight into his mindset. Taking one day at a time. Long term the work on rebuilding my strength, my confidence as an individual and a mother, the health of my mind, body and soul. The peace and quiet of the last week has allowed me to look back and realise how profound the change in me has been. I used to be so carefree and now I’m an anxious, uptight and irritable, constantly waiting for something bad to happen. I took my youngest to the circus recently and rather than enjoy the moment, I’m carefully selecting seats close to the exit in case of a fire. I want to get back to who I was, I also know this is not possible until I’m able to detach from my eldest
