I am so sorry for your aching Mamas heart. This is a hard road to be on, most of us here on CD have been where you are. You have taken giant steps already to protect the peace in your home.
It took a long time for me to start the healing process. Many days I felt as if someone had taken me by the feet and shook me until I was inside out. It was years of being in rescue mode, trying desperately to stop the train wreck before I realized how deep in the rabbit hole I went. I was where you are at as well, wondering what my two were thinking, how they were doing. If they would survive. I was more worried than they were. It took time to replace those thoughts, to stop ruminating over and again over the what ifs.
There is no quick fix around it. I wish there was. We are programmed as mothers to sacrifice bits of ourselves for our children. It takes time and effort to work through the fog and rebuild. To recognize that we have done our job as parents. The rest is up to them.
It is important to give yourself grace. You have been through a battle. Your recovery takes work, but it also requires rest.
It is good to set goals for yourself and stop contact if that helps you stand firm with your boundaries. I have gone no contact at times for my own sanity.
A big part of healing is recognizing what has been lost within ourselves. There is grief in that as well. The fact that you see the damage, means that you can work to fix it.
Most of us suffer from PTSD. We have been traumatized in our own homes by what we have experienced with our out of control adult children. Stress levels are off the charts and we live in flight or fight mode.
You can get back to yourself. That is not contingent on detachment. You are in there. You are exhausted and raw, but you are in there. Proof of this is that you set a boundary and followed through. That takes courage.
I am not a fan of the buzzwords used by the recovery industry. Detachment sounded to me like cutting off a body part. The guidelines and psychological details describe how we got to the juncture of “enabling”, “codependency” and how to stop the craziness. It was a bit much for me to swallow at the start. Detachment. We didn’t cause the issues, can’t control their choices and can’t change who they are.
I love my children. But where that line got blurry with addiction and unacceptable behaviors, is that I was more focused on the outcome, trying to prevent the consequences, than they were. I bought into them blaming me, because I did make mistakes that ate at me. Of course I did. We all made mistakes in raising our children. We are not perfect. My two knew that pressing that guilt button would keep me feeling obligated to “help” them.
What I forgot along the way is that I raised them to be capable.
What I had to relearn was that love says no. This will not happen in my home.
You have taken that step.
That’s huge.
