Most of us have gone through what you are feeling now. Cycling through different emotions and longing for our kids to just be who we remember when times were good. Please do not minimize the trauma you have been through and compare to other’s experiences. You have had some very scary and horrific instances that gave you no choice but to have your adult son leave your home. 19 is young, you are correct, but still at the age of accountability, where he does know right from wrong. You have given your son the opportunity to think about his actions and hopefully, do better.
The parents will find out soon enough who they are dealing with. This is their and their daughter’s responsibility. Let them deal with it.
Stop being mean to yourself. Anyone would feel the same.
Only time will tell. In the meantime, you have some peace of mind knowing your son has a roof over his head. The rest is up to him.
It is a weird, uncomfortable feeling when our adult kids leave home this way. I remember having so many thoughts racing through my mind. All of that frenetic energy surviving from one episode to the next is still there, with none of the chaos in our homes. It is a bizarre peace in the home, but not in our hearts. With the history we witnessed with our off the rails adult kids, it was easy to slip into writing the end of the story with catastrophic imagery. But we do not know what the future holds.
The work ahead of you is to calm your mind and heart. Redirect your focus to what you can change, that is yourself and your response to your son’s choices. You took first steps by having rules for him living in your home. He brazenly broke those rules and made you feel unsafe. That’s unacceptable. You set a reasonable and healthy boundary by having him leave, which was forced by his actions. Now, he has to figure out that he needs to be a decent person at his girlfriend’s parent’s home. Good. There is nothing left for you to do but to recognize wholeheartedly that you did what was necessary to protect your peace of mind in your home. What your son decides or does, is completely up to him.
It’s not easy to let go and let matters be. If you find yourself overthinking and ruminating what could happen, please get help. It does us no good to stress over things we have no control over. Most of all, do not minimize the havoc your son caused in your home. It is real. If you did not draw the line in the sand, his behaviors were likely to escalate. Now he needs to choose if those behaviors serve him. That is completely up to him.
As I stated before, hubs and I were so focused on trying to stop the train wreck with our two daughters, our two younger children were sidelined. That was not fair to them. You have the opportunity to redirect all of your energy to healing yourself and taking care of your younger son. That’s what helped me pull up and out in the long run. I finally opened my eyes and saw that my youngest were suffering through the craziness. That realization helped me to switch focus and work hard to create peace in our home.
You need to be kind and gentle with yourself. But you also need to build back your strength. You can do it. You are worth it. Your life has value and meaning.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf
