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Struggling with cooperation
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 134958" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>OK, I champion a lot of stuff in "The Explosive Child" but I can get explosive too at times.</p><p></p><p>We've let a lot of things go in our house that would horrify a lot of other people, but it's because there are some battles I simply do not choose to fight just yet. There are limits to what I feel we can accomplish. For example, empty packaging. We have a rule - if something gets emptied, it should be put on the list and any empty packaging be thrown in the appropriate receptacle. But despite this rule, difficult child 3 still will just drop packaging, envelopes, related trash right where he is. I keep calling him to come and get it to throw it away, he complies, but he still does the same thing over and over. Too often it's either when he's gone for a walk or gone to bed hours before, that I find stuff. difficult child 1 does it too, and it drives me crazy. Just tonight I removed a completely empty frozen treat packet from the freezer. It's been taking up space we desperately needed, I don't know how long it's been empty. But I'm not buying any more. The box didn't get removed, and they didn't get put on the shopping list!</p><p></p><p>So it's not simply a case of us not having been firm enough - sometimes it's just some sort of mental block. All we can do is keep trying. </p><p></p><p>It is a good idea to try an analyse why she is whining about it. You do need to nip the whining in the bud, purely as a separate issue. Think about it - folding the clothes is one issue. Complaining, whining and being a total pain about it - a separate problem. And we've been there with this one too. easy child 2/difficult child 2 is still there, frankly. And driving us crazy, because she's developed it to an art form.</p><p></p><p>But we've made headway with difficult child 3 - I simply tell him, "I'm not buying into this."</p><p></p><p>Here is an example from this weekend.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 3 is learning to work proactively, to self-motivate with schoolwork. I freely admit to bribing him to work at a faster pace - he has 8 school subjects each with their own worksheets. If he completes 2 subjects for the week in one school day, he earns a reward point. Any extra subject - an extra reward point. Completing work outside school hours - he gets to choose which school day he adds the workload credit to, so he can claim a reward point. Working in school holidays - one reward point per subject.</p><p>So this weekend he was running a bit late, thanks to missing a day's work for a school maths day. He had some maths work to do, and they are hard work. He rarely gets more than one done a day.</p><p></p><p>Now, difficult child 3 wanted to play a new computer game. It was really calling to him, so once school hours finished on Friday I let him play, but pointed out that the work would have to be finished over the weekend if he wanted to claim the credit. He indicated he would work on it.</p><p>Next morning - I reminded him of the time (as I do on school days) and he got to work on his maths, only a little later than usual. </p><p>But the game was calling him. so HE chose to alternate - play his game, then do more maths. Play more game, then more maths.</p><p>Only he kept getting caught up in his game. End of day - "I've done a lot more, only a few pages to go. I'll finish it tomorrow."</p><p>Today (Sunday) - he decides to watch his new DVD with his sister. I reminded him of his promise to finish his work, he said, "Ill do it after the movie." </p><p>I reminded him that he would also want to visit the fair today, he said, "I'll fit it in."</p><p>I went to the fair without him, while the movie was on.</p><p>Later I saw him at the fair - he had walked down by himself. I stayed "within coo-ee" of him to make sure he was safe, then he decided to go home. I got home about half an hour later and there he was, doing his maths. Sure, he also had his computer game on, but he WAS working.</p><p>About an hour later, he brought his worksheets in, completed, for me to sign.</p><p></p><p>It's taken us time to get there, but what has done the trick is letting him find his own techniques. He is motivated by greed, for sure, but the payoffs are fairly immediate and I also reward with praise and "doesn't it feel good to have got so much work done today?" when he succeeds. I keep telling him he is smart, he is gifted, he is a hard worker, he is a good problem-solver, and he continues to try to show me.</p><p></p><p>But there are still some jobs I won't ask him to do, not straight out.</p><p>Folding clothes - he's unco, not good at it, but I sometimes get him to help me when I get the clothes off the clothesline. We work together and fold EVERYTHING. It's what my mother used to do with me. And it IS easier to fold sheets when you have two people.</p><p>Working as a team is the trick with him, and it gives us quality time to talk. He can see that I'm working too, and he feels like he's helping me rather than being made to be responsible. Some kids need to be needy, but they also need to be connected to you. Working as a team is a positive way to do this.</p><p>Also, folding clothes fresh out of the dryer, or as you take them off the clothes line, is best for the clothes. No ironing needed if you do it right. And I get difficult child 3 to take each person's bundle and put it on their beds.</p><p></p><p>Peeling vegetables - difficult child 3 has cut himself on vegetables a few times. On the blades used to peel them, I mean. So he's reluctant to peel potatoes. Even difficult child 1 won't peel spuds unless he can use a special peeler I have that works a different way.</p><p>So I give difficult child 3 a choice - "I need potatoes peeled and I need the animals fed and watered. Which will you do?"</p><p>And whatever he chooses, someone else does the other job. He HATES dealing with the animals' pen because it's mucky, but he will happily do it if it gets him out of peeling potatoes.</p><p></p><p>Giving him a choice and letting him see from experience that the same requests apply to all in the house - it works for us.</p><p></p><p>But once difficult child 3 starts whining and whingeing, I will shut him off. Or I will begin to complain about MY lot in life, and let him have it. I did this to difficult child 1 once, when I asked for his help with stirring a pot for a few minutes, and he began to whine. I said, "Do you think I do housework and cooking by choice? There are so many other things I could be doing instead. I could have a LIFE! Instead, I'm working in the kitchen just to put tasty food in your belly, and you don't seem to want to help."</p><p>difficult child 2's answer floored me - "But that;s what mothers DO. You all do this sort of stuff because mothers like to do it, it's part of who they are."</p><p></p><p>I set him straight, fast. I told him that he was going to learn to cook and look after himself because an attitude like that would deliver him a long and lonely bacherlorhood and he would need those skills or starve.</p><p></p><p>It's not easy.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 134958, member: 1991"] OK, I champion a lot of stuff in "The Explosive Child" but I can get explosive too at times. We've let a lot of things go in our house that would horrify a lot of other people, but it's because there are some battles I simply do not choose to fight just yet. There are limits to what I feel we can accomplish. For example, empty packaging. We have a rule - if something gets emptied, it should be put on the list and any empty packaging be thrown in the appropriate receptacle. But despite this rule, difficult child 3 still will just drop packaging, envelopes, related trash right where he is. I keep calling him to come and get it to throw it away, he complies, but he still does the same thing over and over. Too often it's either when he's gone for a walk or gone to bed hours before, that I find stuff. difficult child 1 does it too, and it drives me crazy. Just tonight I removed a completely empty frozen treat packet from the freezer. It's been taking up space we desperately needed, I don't know how long it's been empty. But I'm not buying any more. The box didn't get removed, and they didn't get put on the shopping list! So it's not simply a case of us not having been firm enough - sometimes it's just some sort of mental block. All we can do is keep trying. It is a good idea to try an analyse why she is whining about it. You do need to nip the whining in the bud, purely as a separate issue. Think about it - folding the clothes is one issue. Complaining, whining and being a total pain about it - a separate problem. And we've been there with this one too. easy child 2/difficult child 2 is still there, frankly. And driving us crazy, because she's developed it to an art form. But we've made headway with difficult child 3 - I simply tell him, "I'm not buying into this." Here is an example from this weekend. difficult child 3 is learning to work proactively, to self-motivate with schoolwork. I freely admit to bribing him to work at a faster pace - he has 8 school subjects each with their own worksheets. If he completes 2 subjects for the week in one school day, he earns a reward point. Any extra subject - an extra reward point. Completing work outside school hours - he gets to choose which school day he adds the workload credit to, so he can claim a reward point. Working in school holidays - one reward point per subject. So this weekend he was running a bit late, thanks to missing a day's work for a school maths day. He had some maths work to do, and they are hard work. He rarely gets more than one done a day. Now, difficult child 3 wanted to play a new computer game. It was really calling to him, so once school hours finished on Friday I let him play, but pointed out that the work would have to be finished over the weekend if he wanted to claim the credit. He indicated he would work on it. Next morning - I reminded him of the time (as I do on school days) and he got to work on his maths, only a little later than usual. But the game was calling him. so HE chose to alternate - play his game, then do more maths. Play more game, then more maths. Only he kept getting caught up in his game. End of day - "I've done a lot more, only a few pages to go. I'll finish it tomorrow." Today (Sunday) - he decides to watch his new DVD with his sister. I reminded him of his promise to finish his work, he said, "Ill do it after the movie." I reminded him that he would also want to visit the fair today, he said, "I'll fit it in." I went to the fair without him, while the movie was on. Later I saw him at the fair - he had walked down by himself. I stayed "within coo-ee" of him to make sure he was safe, then he decided to go home. I got home about half an hour later and there he was, doing his maths. Sure, he also had his computer game on, but he WAS working. About an hour later, he brought his worksheets in, completed, for me to sign. It's taken us time to get there, but what has done the trick is letting him find his own techniques. He is motivated by greed, for sure, but the payoffs are fairly immediate and I also reward with praise and "doesn't it feel good to have got so much work done today?" when he succeeds. I keep telling him he is smart, he is gifted, he is a hard worker, he is a good problem-solver, and he continues to try to show me. But there are still some jobs I won't ask him to do, not straight out. Folding clothes - he's unco, not good at it, but I sometimes get him to help me when I get the clothes off the clothesline. We work together and fold EVERYTHING. It's what my mother used to do with me. And it IS easier to fold sheets when you have two people. Working as a team is the trick with him, and it gives us quality time to talk. He can see that I'm working too, and he feels like he's helping me rather than being made to be responsible. Some kids need to be needy, but they also need to be connected to you. Working as a team is a positive way to do this. Also, folding clothes fresh out of the dryer, or as you take them off the clothes line, is best for the clothes. No ironing needed if you do it right. And I get difficult child 3 to take each person's bundle and put it on their beds. Peeling vegetables - difficult child 3 has cut himself on vegetables a few times. On the blades used to peel them, I mean. So he's reluctant to peel potatoes. Even difficult child 1 won't peel spuds unless he can use a special peeler I have that works a different way. So I give difficult child 3 a choice - "I need potatoes peeled and I need the animals fed and watered. Which will you do?" And whatever he chooses, someone else does the other job. He HATES dealing with the animals' pen because it's mucky, but he will happily do it if it gets him out of peeling potatoes. Giving him a choice and letting him see from experience that the same requests apply to all in the house - it works for us. But once difficult child 3 starts whining and whingeing, I will shut him off. Or I will begin to complain about MY lot in life, and let him have it. I did this to difficult child 1 once, when I asked for his help with stirring a pot for a few minutes, and he began to whine. I said, "Do you think I do housework and cooking by choice? There are so many other things I could be doing instead. I could have a LIFE! Instead, I'm working in the kitchen just to put tasty food in your belly, and you don't seem to want to help." difficult child 2's answer floored me - "But that;s what mothers DO. You all do this sort of stuff because mothers like to do it, it's part of who they are." I set him straight, fast. I told him that he was going to learn to cook and look after himself because an attitude like that would deliver him a long and lonely bacherlorhood and he would need those skills or starve. It's not easy. Marg [/QUOTE]
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