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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 671145" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>You are very welcome here as well, ksm. If you were aware of P.E. and chose to post here, then we will respond from here, if you like. I was not sure whether you knew about P.E. What I can tell you is that there is research indicating that the propensity toward addiction and emotional illnesses have a genetic component. </p><p></p><p>That our children or grands suffer in these ways has so little to do with how they were raised, or how they were loved, or with how they love us. It is very hard for us to see these intergenerational patterns. We feel helpless in the face of it, at the pain of it, at the way it feels like we've missed something or are somehow responsible.</p><p></p><p>There is a hopelessness to it, a feeling of trapped.</p><p></p><p>One day, as we unravel the genetics, there will be a cure. Another thing we know, or think we know, is that our differently wired kids would be heroes in a society requiring the skill sets they have. Our kids tend not to play well with others. They are wondering, curious, altogether too courageous for their own goods, in this time when the values are: Sit still. Sit still as long as I say. Sign this. Now sign that. Time is up.</p><p></p><p>Our kids just don't do well with that kind of structure.</p><p></p><p>They have to do the thing they were told not to, try the drug everyone told them to leave alone, sample every conspiracy theory, brazen their ways through, believing they can beat the odds. I think they come by this honestly. Most of our ancestors, here in America, did the impossible, too. took the hard path. Left home and family and made it or died trying.</p><p></p><p>And they did it, for the most part, by choice.</p><p></p><p>So, there is that, which seems to me to be a true set of facts. Or kids are not helpless victims, but they certainly are risk takers.</p><p></p><p>They just are who they are.</p><p></p><p>If we can understand that, we can stop judging them or ourselves. Our kids are wired differently. Brene Brown, who writes about shame, assures us that every human being arrives hard wired for challenge. From this, we can understand that our kids, risk-taking or addicted or mentally unstable or whatever it is that is going on with them, are strong enough.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>I will try to remember other things that were helpful to us as we all came to this place where we are learning not to judge ourselves or our kids, and to just love them where they are, and to love ourselves enough not to give in to depression, not to fall apart at the horror of it.</p><p></p><p>We are very strong.</p><p></p><p>That must be part of our genetic heritage. Most people, I think, would not be able to cope with the heaviness and the horror of what happens in our families.</p><p></p><p>I really do believe that.</p><p></p><p>I hear people sometimes, and they believe themselves to suffer. And they do.</p><p>But having been where I have been, and where it sounds like you have been too, their suffering is something I cannot even really identify with. </p><p></p><p>Isn't that something.</p><p></p><p>I have to remind myself that they do suffer; that we all merit compassion. I am happy for them that they do not know where I have been. I pray for myself that I do not have to learn more, and more terrible, kinds of suffering.</p><p></p><p>Most people have no way of understanding the agony we live with, the terrible uncertainty. It is so hard a thing to love ourselves and our kids and our lives when everything looks so wrong and so hurtful.</p><p></p><p>I don't know how we know what we know and stay sane. One of the moms here described envisioning the painting "The Scream". Once she could name her feelings in that way, she could separate them from who she was. She could know there was incredible suffering, but she refused to let it define her. It was so many years ago that she told that story. She told it more beautifully than I did; she told it so I could see how she could choose strength and stay sane and take pleasure in all the wonderful things that were in her life, too.</p><p></p><p>She was very wise, in the way she was able to tell me how to do this, how to survive it.</p><p></p><p>I will try to think of other helpful things too, ksm.</p><p></p><p>I am very glad you found all of us. Together, we are usually stronger enough. And when we aren't, then we hold one another up until we are through the worst of it.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 671145, member: 17461"] You are very welcome here as well, ksm. If you were aware of P.E. and chose to post here, then we will respond from here, if you like. I was not sure whether you knew about P.E. What I can tell you is that there is research indicating that the propensity toward addiction and emotional illnesses have a genetic component. That our children or grands suffer in these ways has so little to do with how they were raised, or how they were loved, or with how they love us. It is very hard for us to see these intergenerational patterns. We feel helpless in the face of it, at the pain of it, at the way it feels like we've missed something or are somehow responsible. There is a hopelessness to it, a feeling of trapped. One day, as we unravel the genetics, there will be a cure. Another thing we know, or think we know, is that our differently wired kids would be heroes in a society requiring the skill sets they have. Our kids tend not to play well with others. They are wondering, curious, altogether too courageous for their own goods, in this time when the values are: Sit still. Sit still as long as I say. Sign this. Now sign that. Time is up. Our kids just don't do well with that kind of structure. They have to do the thing they were told not to, try the drug everyone told them to leave alone, sample every conspiracy theory, brazen their ways through, believing they can beat the odds. I think they come by this honestly. Most of our ancestors, here in America, did the impossible, too. took the hard path. Left home and family and made it or died trying. And they did it, for the most part, by choice. So, there is that, which seems to me to be a true set of facts. Or kids are not helpless victims, but they certainly are risk takers. They just are who they are. If we can understand that, we can stop judging them or ourselves. Our kids are wired differently. Brene Brown, who writes about shame, assures us that every human being arrives hard wired for challenge. From this, we can understand that our kids, risk-taking or addicted or mentally unstable or whatever it is that is going on with them, are strong enough. *** I will try to remember other things that were helpful to us as we all came to this place where we are learning not to judge ourselves or our kids, and to just love them where they are, and to love ourselves enough not to give in to depression, not to fall apart at the horror of it. We are very strong. That must be part of our genetic heritage. Most people, I think, would not be able to cope with the heaviness and the horror of what happens in our families. I really do believe that. I hear people sometimes, and they believe themselves to suffer. And they do. But having been where I have been, and where it sounds like you have been too, their suffering is something I cannot even really identify with. Isn't that something. I have to remind myself that they do suffer; that we all merit compassion. I am happy for them that they do not know where I have been. I pray for myself that I do not have to learn more, and more terrible, kinds of suffering. Most people have no way of understanding the agony we live with, the terrible uncertainty. It is so hard a thing to love ourselves and our kids and our lives when everything looks so wrong and so hurtful. I don't know how we know what we know and stay sane. One of the moms here described envisioning the painting "The Scream". Once she could name her feelings in that way, she could separate them from who she was. She could know there was incredible suffering, but she refused to let it define her. It was so many years ago that she told that story. She told it more beautifully than I did; she told it so I could see how she could choose strength and stay sane and take pleasure in all the wonderful things that were in her life, too. She was very wise, in the way she was able to tell me how to do this, how to survive it. I will try to think of other helpful things too, ksm. I am very glad you found all of us. Together, we are usually stronger enough. And when we aren't, then we hold one another up until we are through the worst of it. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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