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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 671559" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p><strong>It used to help to lean on my faith, but even that isn't helping much at this time. husband and I seem to be drifting apart, like there isn't enough energy left for each other. It is hard to feel loving towards him at the end of a terrible, anger filled day with Difficult Child. Our younger DGD is also suffering. No one wants to be around Difficult Child, she seems to suck the joy out of any situation. The past two years we have cut short our family spring break trip because who wants to spend money just to get yelled at at a different location?? </strong></p><p></p><p>Read more: <a href="http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/struggling.61269/page-2#ixzz3qcQQHUc5" target="_blank">http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/struggling.61269/page-2#ixzz3qcQQHUc5</a></p><p></p><p>Is it possible for you and your husband to drive away for an overnight, or a weekend?</p><p></p><p>Do you know about NAMI? National Alliance for Mental Illness. There are local chapters throughout the country. You mentioned a Texas city in your post, so I referenced Texas NAMI for you, here. NAMI is parents (and grands) and sibs and those suffering an illness, learning from and supporting one another.</p><p></p><p><a href="https://www.google.com/search?q=NAMI+Texas&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8" target="_blank">https://www.google.com/search?q=NAMI+Texas&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8</a></p><p></p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p></p><p>Right now, I am detaching. Maybe it is wrong, but she doesn't want me involved in her life. Maybe if the medications make her calmer we can interact more. Think she will have a rude awakening if she moves in with friends. She is a slob and does not help around the house.</p><p></p><p>Read more: <a href="http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/struggling.61269/page-2#ixzz3qcRA48lU" target="_blank">http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/struggling.61269/page-2#ixzz3qcRA48lU</a></p><p></p><p>Detaching is the right thing, for us and for the kids, too. Helping turns into a dynamic in which the kids learn that if their situations are dire enough, and if they are blameless enough, we will help. In other words, we teach them, not to rely on themselves, but to rely on lying to us. In years past, we called our difficult children Gifts From God. One of the moms here came up with the term "differently wired". </p><p></p><p>Both those observations are true.</p><p></p><p>Our difficult children are differently wired. They need to be parented differently. Detachment parenting is not about turning away or letting go so much as it is a crucial part of that way we need to learn to see ourselves and the difficult children we love so we can respond to them differently and stick with it. <em>Because</em> the kids tend not to take responsibility, <em>we</em> need to change the way we think about parental guilt, and especially, about money.</p><p></p><p>Our differently wired kids need a different kind of parenting.</p><p></p><p>They will still go off in all the wrong directions, but with the tools we learn through detachment theory parenting, we will have given them a skillset. We will have given them a set of values that will be clear both to ourselves and to them. The lying to justify our helping them will have to be stopped at some point if the kids are ever to pick up. The more we help, the more entitled the kids feel, and the more belligerent they become. In the kind of parenting called detachment parenting, loving them doesn't feel much like loving them, but it is. For these kinds of children, it is. And detachment parenting isn't going to look like we love them to anyone else, either. </p><p></p><p>We will be judged harshly.</p><p></p><p>But giving money and time and things seems not only to come to nothing, but to be exactly the wrong thing to do because it teaches the kids to lie to us so we will help. </p><p></p><p>We have to say: NO MONEY</p><p></p><p>Welcoming them home seems to result in their flipping off school and finding the worst possible compatriots and in us somehow becoming the enemy even while the kids are living in our own homes. In our own homes, we become afraid. We lock our bedroom doors. We protect our money and our belongings lest our money be gone and our belongings stolen. </p><p></p><p>Our troubled kids see things and people differently. </p><p></p><p>Very dangerous people suddenly know where we live and when we are or are not home.</p><p></p><p>At some point we have to say no. It is better to begin this kind of parenting sooner than later. If there is impulsivity, there may be a susceptibility to addiction. It would be best to help your grand now to prepare herself for what could happen.</p><p></p><p>Addiction is a terminal disease.</p><p></p><p>It would be best to warn her of the genetic component in addictive behaviors and teach her now how to be her own best mother as she moves into the world and creates her life.</p><p></p><p>I don't mean to be harsh, or to sound like I know it all. But I wish I had known the very things I am telling you now when my daughter was younger. I think you have done something amazing in keeping your grand in school.</p><p></p><p>People told us, as our oldest child, our daughter, began acting out, to pay special attention to our youngest. They were not specific. The youngest child will be coping with abandonment issues. Even if you and the grandfather are there every day (as my D H and I were) the younger child's life will have changed, will have become a lonely place where he or she is not celebrated in the way she was before the older child became unmanageable.</p><p></p><p>Nearing forty, my son was still enraged ~ especially at me ~ for abandoning him when our daughter became so troubled. Though my D H was there and doubled up on all things having to do with fathering his son ~ brought him on excellent vacations with his uncles, even...my son's life had changed.</p><p></p><p>His family, all at once, was a sad and broken thing.</p><p></p><p>His father could not be the mother he needed because he needed us both.</p><p></p><p>So, I just wanted you to be aware of what happened to our younger child.</p><p></p><p>One day he was working, running for Student Council president and the next, he wasn't. </p><p></p><p>I never really saw my son, again. He would come home to dry out and succeed ~ that is how strong the character is in this boy that I raised, and I am proud of him for that. But he would always fall again. One more time, I blamed myself. I tried harder. (D H did, too.) </p><p></p><p>But the only thing that helped our son was when we stopped helping and he got it that he was on his own. And there was nothing easy or right about it except that the other way, the kind way, was destroying him, and all of us.</p><p></p><p>I feel badly for us when I remember how awful and how sad and hard and horrifying this has been.</p><p></p><p>And what was lost, and was never recovered.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>The lunch situation is a typical situation for our troubled kids. This can be an excellent lesson for the grand, and there is still time before the end of the year for you to learn detachment theory well enough to use it to teach your grand ~ in a way that will seem cruel to you and to her, but in a way she will at least hear ~ about money. I think the grand will continue to do as she does but there will come a day when she remembers what you taught her.</p><p></p><p>With very difficult Gifts, telling them the things we know they will need to know as they embark upon their chaotic lives is our job. </p><p></p><p>I don't think they behave as they do intentionally.</p><p></p><p>I wish with all my heart that I had known about detachment theory when mine were still in school. Instead, I felt guilt. I tried harder. I wondered where I had gone wrong and accused myself of a thousand missteps.</p><p></p><p>This did not work for us, and it did not work for our children.</p><p></p><p>When my kids were approaching their mid-thirties, I "got" detachment theory parenting. </p><p></p><p>And that helped us.</p><p></p><p>Not just D H and myself, but my kids.</p><p></p><p>Detachment parenting, for me, is about learning to detach from the emotions. From guilt especially, but from kind and sometimes, from loving and accepting and understanding. We need to set a firm line for our kids who are differently wired. In order to parent in the ways they require, we need to be very, very strong, ourselves.</p><p></p><p>Pretty much, we need to do it without support.</p><p></p><p>Everyone will judge us harshly, including our children.</p><p></p><p><em>But it seems to help the kids.</em></p><p></p><p>As you are here with us longer, you will develop your own theories of detachment, and of how best to teach your granddaughter how to face and manage her illness and create her disciplined life.</p><p></p><p>There is nothing you need to do, right now.</p><p></p><p>You are here with us. You will learn over time from our stories, and from sharing your own.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Impulsivity is a piece that our troubled or Gift From God kids need help with. It is impulsivity that is at the root of the lunchroom issue. If you can help her recognize and sail firmly through that "have it now" place in her mind, that will help her in all of her life. A part of the lunchroom issue may be that she treats herself to the special coffee because school itself is so hard for her.</p><p></p><p>Anxiety at the level our Gifts From God feel it is not something we can understand. They hear and feel and know things we do not. Whether those things are real to us is not the issue.</p><p></p><p>Those feelings are so very real, to them. </p><p></p><p>I learned that from my daughter. How courageous a battle they fight just to do the normal things. </p><p></p><p>Even so, these are feelings your grand will experience all of her life. </p><p></p><p>If you can learn more about what she will be faced with because of her genetic heritage, then you can help her with these things now, while she is still at home.</p><p></p><p>It is never too late. It is never wrong to tell them we love them. The issues should be presented, I think, as just the genetics involved. When you are ready and you present the information to your grand, it is good to remember too that those are the same genetics that account for incredible business success, for the courage to explore, for the ability to think so outside the box that new ways of life are possible for all.</p><p></p><p>Because these things are equally true, for our blazing, outrageous, Gift From God kids.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 671559, member: 17461"] [B]It used to help to lean on my faith, but even that isn't helping much at this time. husband and I seem to be drifting apart, like there isn't enough energy left for each other. It is hard to feel loving towards him at the end of a terrible, anger filled day with Difficult Child. Our younger DGD is also suffering. No one wants to be around Difficult Child, she seems to suck the joy out of any situation. The past two years we have cut short our family spring break trip because who wants to spend money just to get yelled at at a different location?? [/B] Read more: [URL]http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/struggling.61269/page-2#ixzz3qcQQHUc5[/URL] Is it possible for you and your husband to drive away for an overnight, or a weekend? Do you know about NAMI? National Alliance for Mental Illness. There are local chapters throughout the country. You mentioned a Texas city in your post, so I referenced Texas NAMI for you, here. NAMI is parents (and grands) and sibs and those suffering an illness, learning from and supporting one another. [URL]https://www.google.com/search?q=NAMI+Texas&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8[/URL] *** Right now, I am detaching. Maybe it is wrong, but she doesn't want me involved in her life. Maybe if the medications make her calmer we can interact more. Think she will have a rude awakening if she moves in with friends. She is a slob and does not help around the house. Read more: [URL]http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/struggling.61269/page-2#ixzz3qcRA48lU[/URL] Detaching is the right thing, for us and for the kids, too. Helping turns into a dynamic in which the kids learn that if their situations are dire enough, and if they are blameless enough, we will help. In other words, we teach them, not to rely on themselves, but to rely on lying to us. In years past, we called our difficult children Gifts From God. One of the moms here came up with the term "differently wired". Both those observations are true. Our difficult children are differently wired. They need to be parented differently. Detachment parenting is not about turning away or letting go so much as it is a crucial part of that way we need to learn to see ourselves and the difficult children we love so we can respond to them differently and stick with it. [I]Because[/I] the kids tend not to take responsibility, [I]we[/I] need to change the way we think about parental guilt, and especially, about money. Our differently wired kids need a different kind of parenting. They will still go off in all the wrong directions, but with the tools we learn through detachment theory parenting, we will have given them a skillset. We will have given them a set of values that will be clear both to ourselves and to them. The lying to justify our helping them will have to be stopped at some point if the kids are ever to pick up. The more we help, the more entitled the kids feel, and the more belligerent they become. In the kind of parenting called detachment parenting, loving them doesn't feel much like loving them, but it is. For these kinds of children, it is. And detachment parenting isn't going to look like we love them to anyone else, either. We will be judged harshly. But giving money and time and things seems not only to come to nothing, but to be exactly the wrong thing to do because it teaches the kids to lie to us so we will help. We have to say: NO MONEY Welcoming them home seems to result in their flipping off school and finding the worst possible compatriots and in us somehow becoming the enemy even while the kids are living in our own homes. In our own homes, we become afraid. We lock our bedroom doors. We protect our money and our belongings lest our money be gone and our belongings stolen. Our troubled kids see things and people differently. Very dangerous people suddenly know where we live and when we are or are not home. At some point we have to say no. It is better to begin this kind of parenting sooner than later. If there is impulsivity, there may be a susceptibility to addiction. It would be best to help your grand now to prepare herself for what could happen. Addiction is a terminal disease. It would be best to warn her of the genetic component in addictive behaviors and teach her now how to be her own best mother as she moves into the world and creates her life. I don't mean to be harsh, or to sound like I know it all. But I wish I had known the very things I am telling you now when my daughter was younger. I think you have done something amazing in keeping your grand in school. People told us, as our oldest child, our daughter, began acting out, to pay special attention to our youngest. They were not specific. The youngest child will be coping with abandonment issues. Even if you and the grandfather are there every day (as my D H and I were) the younger child's life will have changed, will have become a lonely place where he or she is not celebrated in the way she was before the older child became unmanageable. Nearing forty, my son was still enraged ~ especially at me ~ for abandoning him when our daughter became so troubled. Though my D H was there and doubled up on all things having to do with fathering his son ~ brought him on excellent vacations with his uncles, even...my son's life had changed. His family, all at once, was a sad and broken thing. His father could not be the mother he needed because he needed us both. So, I just wanted you to be aware of what happened to our younger child. One day he was working, running for Student Council president and the next, he wasn't. I never really saw my son, again. He would come home to dry out and succeed ~ that is how strong the character is in this boy that I raised, and I am proud of him for that. But he would always fall again. One more time, I blamed myself. I tried harder. (D H did, too.) But the only thing that helped our son was when we stopped helping and he got it that he was on his own. And there was nothing easy or right about it except that the other way, the kind way, was destroying him, and all of us. I feel badly for us when I remember how awful and how sad and hard and horrifying this has been. And what was lost, and was never recovered. *** The lunch situation is a typical situation for our troubled kids. This can be an excellent lesson for the grand, and there is still time before the end of the year for you to learn detachment theory well enough to use it to teach your grand ~ in a way that will seem cruel to you and to her, but in a way she will at least hear ~ about money. I think the grand will continue to do as she does but there will come a day when she remembers what you taught her. With very difficult Gifts, telling them the things we know they will need to know as they embark upon their chaotic lives is our job. I don't think they behave as they do intentionally. I wish with all my heart that I had known about detachment theory when mine were still in school. Instead, I felt guilt. I tried harder. I wondered where I had gone wrong and accused myself of a thousand missteps. This did not work for us, and it did not work for our children. When my kids were approaching their mid-thirties, I "got" detachment theory parenting. And that helped us. Not just D H and myself, but my kids. Detachment parenting, for me, is about learning to detach from the emotions. From guilt especially, but from kind and sometimes, from loving and accepting and understanding. We need to set a firm line for our kids who are differently wired. In order to parent in the ways they require, we need to be very, very strong, ourselves. Pretty much, we need to do it without support. Everyone will judge us harshly, including our children. [I]But it seems to help the kids.[/I] As you are here with us longer, you will develop your own theories of detachment, and of how best to teach your granddaughter how to face and manage her illness and create her disciplined life. There is nothing you need to do, right now. You are here with us. You will learn over time from our stories, and from sharing your own. *** Impulsivity is a piece that our troubled or Gift From God kids need help with. It is impulsivity that is at the root of the lunchroom issue. If you can help her recognize and sail firmly through that "have it now" place in her mind, that will help her in all of her life. A part of the lunchroom issue may be that she treats herself to the special coffee because school itself is so hard for her. Anxiety at the level our Gifts From God feel it is not something we can understand. They hear and feel and know things we do not. Whether those things are real to us is not the issue. Those feelings are so very real, to them. I learned that from my daughter. How courageous a battle they fight just to do the normal things. Even so, these are feelings your grand will experience all of her life. If you can learn more about what she will be faced with because of her genetic heritage, then you can help her with these things now, while she is still at home. It is never too late. It is never wrong to tell them we love them. The issues should be presented, I think, as just the genetics involved. When you are ready and you present the information to your grand, it is good to remember too that those are the same genetics that account for incredible business success, for the courage to explore, for the ability to think so outside the box that new ways of life are possible for all. Because these things are equally true, for our blazing, outrageous, Gift From God kids. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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