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Stupid work related problem
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 175379" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>They are right.</p><p></p><p>I've been there done that myself. A woman I met at our writing group has been like this with me. I would talk to her when she rang, often using the time to try to encourage her to reach out a bit more, to see other points of view, to ask questions instead of falling for all the stuff people tell her, etc.</p><p></p><p>I noticed that a lot of the time she would tell me the same problems, over and over. A lot of these problems would be form her past which she had never dealt with. I did comment to her that she needed to deal with these issues so she could move on, but it never made any difference. I would yet again hear the stories about how her sisters had encouraged other kids to bully her at boarding school. How her mother wanted money from her all the time, and so on. This woman was like her mother - always obsessed with money. And fame.</p><p></p><p>I finally realised that my friend was unstable. She had told me, in confidence, of her diagnosis. I had told her about Asperger's, thinking it was a possibility with her. Then she managed to talk a psychiatrist into giving her an Aspie diagnosis which from what I know now, I don't think fits. The label makes no practical difference except that it validates her continuing to be as she is and not trying to do something for herself. "Im Aspie, that's why I'm like this," she will say. Well my kids are Aspie and autistic, and while I understand their limitations I'm going t help them do the best they can and not just sit around making excuses.</p><p></p><p>The things to watch out for - the soft voice, the tentative approach, the "I need help" when she probably doesn't and won't take on board any advice you give her anyway (even if she nods and smiles at the time, her brain is on holiday).</p><p></p><p>Underneath it all, it sounds like this woman is jealous. She is ambitious but hasn't got a clue how to actually do the job in such a way as to advance herself. Her best way is to undermine everyone else. Be aware that everything you have said to her is now likely to be spread around, especially if you go cool on her. And you have to go cool and back away, she is just too damaging.</p><p></p><p>Stop trying to help people who not only don't want to be helped, they resent any attempt to help them as an attempt to show them up and see you as patronising. Even if she approaches and asks (or hints) that she needs help, chances are she resents it when you do. What she is hoping to find - that you are feeling as helpless as she is, because this will reassure her that you are no threat.</p><p></p><p>The woman in my writing group - she would ring sometimes every night. I could check the clock and realise she was ringing out of boredom because a TV program she had been watching had just finished. She would have no qualms about calling me during my favourite TV show, and WOULDN'T get off the phone; but if I called during HER favourite show...</p><p></p><p>My 'friend' split with me very suddenly. She had been sending us a lot of emails over the years, mostly funny. Occasionally she would send glurge. And occasionally she would send stuff that was either religious tub-thumping or extreme right-wing propaganda. Some people would respond with hostility and she would get upset about it over the phone at me.</p><p>Knowing this, I would reply more gently. She sent me an email about what a good thing it is that we invaded Iraq. It was lifted from a US military site, listing all the good things happening in Iraq (such as new schools, etc) post-invasion. I knew it would set off some heavy reactions from a lot of our friends, so I replied with moderation.</p><p>"Yes, it's good that some good things are happening, but it is also important to keep a balanced perspective."</p><p>I got a vicious email back form her, telling me to keep my left-wing propaganda to myself. ***? I replied gently again, asking why she was upset with my BALANCED response.</p><p>She replied saying she had sent the email as FYI, which therefore did not need a reply.</p><p>Again - ***?</p><p>She had said a lot more that was totally vicious and over-the-top. So I stopped replying, and also stopped answering the phone. husband was ready with his response to her if she did ring - "Marg doesn't want to talk to you; you hurt her feelings with your last emails."</p><p>At about this time, I saw her at our writers meeting - and she was friendly, chatty, commented on the nice shirt I was wearing - Twilight Zone theme started playing in my head.</p><p></p><p>Meanwhile she was attacking the committee of the writing group because they were making decisions she didn't agree with. She was more and more unbalanced. We had new members turn up - and her antics at the meetings were driving them away.</p><p></p><p>Finally the new committee made a decision at a meeting which she REALLY disliked and I got a phone call from her. I had long stopped worrying about whether she would ring - she hadn't, for months. And all she wanted from me, was information (and support) to hang the new committee out to dry.</p><p>I didn't give it to her.</p><p></p><p>She took her complaints up as high as she could, even trying legal avenues to sue people. It was a worry. </p><p></p><p>I saw her last meeting. She seemed happy, stable, chatty. No ill-will to anyone. And absolutely no indication that she had ever done or said anything out of line.</p><p></p><p>But I will never trust her again, and apart from polite small talk I will never talk to her again. I will certainly never do anything to help her again.</p><p></p><p>So if you have totally spilled your entrails in talking to her about stuff she could now have fun with, then consider it broadcast. Think about all you have said to her, and begin NOW to plan your response. If she tells everyone that you believe in land rights for gay pregnant whales (the universal protest poster in Australia in the 70s) then be ready for it. Time to do some running repairs.</p><p></p><p>Being honest about what she says could still be the best option, as long as it's not too damaging. People like this can be like terriers if you deny stuff when you told her different. So if she announces that you (for example) smoked pot in your younger days, then instead of saying, "But I didn't inhale," instead say, "I saw the error of my ways and now campaign against pot-smoking."</p><p></p><p>Played right, you could come out of this smelling like roses, and any attempt by her to make you look bad can backfire, if you prepare ahead.</p><p></p><p>And for future reference - keep confidences away from the workplace.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 175379, member: 1991"] They are right. I've been there done that myself. A woman I met at our writing group has been like this with me. I would talk to her when she rang, often using the time to try to encourage her to reach out a bit more, to see other points of view, to ask questions instead of falling for all the stuff people tell her, etc. I noticed that a lot of the time she would tell me the same problems, over and over. A lot of these problems would be form her past which she had never dealt with. I did comment to her that she needed to deal with these issues so she could move on, but it never made any difference. I would yet again hear the stories about how her sisters had encouraged other kids to bully her at boarding school. How her mother wanted money from her all the time, and so on. This woman was like her mother - always obsessed with money. And fame. I finally realised that my friend was unstable. She had told me, in confidence, of her diagnosis. I had told her about Asperger's, thinking it was a possibility with her. Then she managed to talk a psychiatrist into giving her an Aspie diagnosis which from what I know now, I don't think fits. The label makes no practical difference except that it validates her continuing to be as she is and not trying to do something for herself. "Im Aspie, that's why I'm like this," she will say. Well my kids are Aspie and autistic, and while I understand their limitations I'm going t help them do the best they can and not just sit around making excuses. The things to watch out for - the soft voice, the tentative approach, the "I need help" when she probably doesn't and won't take on board any advice you give her anyway (even if she nods and smiles at the time, her brain is on holiday). Underneath it all, it sounds like this woman is jealous. She is ambitious but hasn't got a clue how to actually do the job in such a way as to advance herself. Her best way is to undermine everyone else. Be aware that everything you have said to her is now likely to be spread around, especially if you go cool on her. And you have to go cool and back away, she is just too damaging. Stop trying to help people who not only don't want to be helped, they resent any attempt to help them as an attempt to show them up and see you as patronising. Even if she approaches and asks (or hints) that she needs help, chances are she resents it when you do. What she is hoping to find - that you are feeling as helpless as she is, because this will reassure her that you are no threat. The woman in my writing group - she would ring sometimes every night. I could check the clock and realise she was ringing out of boredom because a TV program she had been watching had just finished. She would have no qualms about calling me during my favourite TV show, and WOULDN'T get off the phone; but if I called during HER favourite show... My 'friend' split with me very suddenly. She had been sending us a lot of emails over the years, mostly funny. Occasionally she would send glurge. And occasionally she would send stuff that was either religious tub-thumping or extreme right-wing propaganda. Some people would respond with hostility and she would get upset about it over the phone at me. Knowing this, I would reply more gently. She sent me an email about what a good thing it is that we invaded Iraq. It was lifted from a US military site, listing all the good things happening in Iraq (such as new schools, etc) post-invasion. I knew it would set off some heavy reactions from a lot of our friends, so I replied with moderation. "Yes, it's good that some good things are happening, but it is also important to keep a balanced perspective." I got a vicious email back form her, telling me to keep my left-wing propaganda to myself. ***? I replied gently again, asking why she was upset with my BALANCED response. She replied saying she had sent the email as FYI, which therefore did not need a reply. Again - ***? She had said a lot more that was totally vicious and over-the-top. So I stopped replying, and also stopped answering the phone. husband was ready with his response to her if she did ring - "Marg doesn't want to talk to you; you hurt her feelings with your last emails." At about this time, I saw her at our writers meeting - and she was friendly, chatty, commented on the nice shirt I was wearing - Twilight Zone theme started playing in my head. Meanwhile she was attacking the committee of the writing group because they were making decisions she didn't agree with. She was more and more unbalanced. We had new members turn up - and her antics at the meetings were driving them away. Finally the new committee made a decision at a meeting which she REALLY disliked and I got a phone call from her. I had long stopped worrying about whether she would ring - she hadn't, for months. And all she wanted from me, was information (and support) to hang the new committee out to dry. I didn't give it to her. She took her complaints up as high as she could, even trying legal avenues to sue people. It was a worry. I saw her last meeting. She seemed happy, stable, chatty. No ill-will to anyone. And absolutely no indication that she had ever done or said anything out of line. But I will never trust her again, and apart from polite small talk I will never talk to her again. I will certainly never do anything to help her again. So if you have totally spilled your entrails in talking to her about stuff she could now have fun with, then consider it broadcast. Think about all you have said to her, and begin NOW to plan your response. If she tells everyone that you believe in land rights for gay pregnant whales (the universal protest poster in Australia in the 70s) then be ready for it. Time to do some running repairs. Being honest about what she says could still be the best option, as long as it's not too damaging. People like this can be like terriers if you deny stuff when you told her different. So if she announces that you (for example) smoked pot in your younger days, then instead of saying, "But I didn't inhale," instead say, "I saw the error of my ways and now campaign against pot-smoking." Played right, you could come out of this smelling like roses, and any attempt by her to make you look bad can backfire, if you prepare ahead. And for future reference - keep confidences away from the workplace. Marg [/QUOTE]
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