So I was thinking about this issue this morning as I went to help my difficult child deal with one of the many beaurocracies in life!! I really think sometimes it is hard for those who for whatever reason are not in great situations. I see this in my work a lot....it is just harder to deal with issues if you have no money or if you have a record, or if you are homeless.
I know some feel that we need to let our difficult children dig themselves of whatever hole they got themselves in.... but reality is that sometimes the systems out there sometimes make that almost impossible without help.
And at least for me that means stepping in and helping my difficult child when he is trying to do the right things.... and not helping him when he is not.
So here is todays example. My sons drivers liscense from this state was suspended at one point because there were warrants out for his arrest. Along his travels he lost his liscense and I had to help him then get birth certificates etc. to get ids in the states he was in. Ok so he currently had an ID from CA and a drivers liscense from Florida. Ok Good.
Now he is in a halfway house and is on job search. He needs to get a job within 6 weeks or he is out... this is really what he needs to get a job and really start supporting himself. So this is a good track. I told him awhile ago that I would take him to the RMV to sort out his liscense. I knew that to get a job here he would probably need an ID from this state.
So he checked with his probation officer and the warrants have been cleared in the system.
He texted me yesterday that he had a couple of job leads but needs to get his state liscense and the sooner we could do that the better. So I was taking my daughter back to college yesterday and so that was no an option..... but I agreed to take him first thing this morning, giving up my knitting class to do so. I could have made him wait til next week but I decided that my hope is he will get a job soon and I want to support him to do that....
So we went to the RMV this morning. What a runaround... his liscense was still suspended, but yes the warrants were gone so he could reinstate it for $100.... oh but wait his liscense expired in 2013. So he could transfer his Florida liscense but he needs proof of residence, birth and signature. Luckily from some experience with clients I knew some of this and had mentioned, needing something with his name and address on it before we went this morning... and so he got a letter from the place for proof of residence. His liscense from Fl was proof of birth or signature but not both .... so he needed either an original birth certficate or social security card, neither of which he had! We could have driven to the place he was born and gotten a birth certificate, but darn it I am trying to leave this afternoon to go away with my husband for the weekend and that would cost a lot of time. So I asked the woman if his suspended liscense from this state could count.... she asked a supervisor and thank goodness that would work if we paid to reinstate it. All of this was going to cost $200 in cash! Luckily they had an ATM right there.
But honestly I am not sure my difficult child would have been able to negotiate all this and he definitely did not have the $200 to get his liscense!!! And if I had refused to help him with that he has no way of getting the money (legally) without a job, and he cant get a job without the ID!! Catch-22.
So he did get his ID and I am glad I helped out.... but there are so many examples of this sort for kids who get into trouble with the law or have no money. Even when they are ready to do the right thing, there are obstacles in their way. And yeah if they can find the way around the obstacles on their own that is wonderful.... but for some I think the obstacles just make them give up.
So I think there are many examples of where supporting them and helping them out is the right and best thing to do. And this may include sometimes getting them a lawyer if they have committed a crime..... not to excuse their crime, but to deal with the crazy court system which is its own crazy system.
I just think the systems out there work against our difficult children when they are to the point of doing the right thing... and at that point sometimes they need our help.
TL
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