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Family of Origin
Surviving parent, whom I love, sad that his kids are estranged
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 675794" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>We fight the truth for a long time. The story is so ugly. And we are so ashamed that these terrible things should have happened to us ~ that someone should have decided to hurt us, and not to love us, at all.</p><p></p><p>Surely, we tell ourselves, these things we remember did not really happen. Surely, we are wrong in our thinking. And what in the world is the matter with us, that we think this way? And we decide to try harder, to be kinder, to do our best we know no matter what they say or do. Even when, like me, our own mothers raise their hands to us and we are 60 and they are 80 and the mother thinks that is a fine joke and we don't but we laugh, anyway.</p><p></p><p>And then one day, we are shunned.</p><p></p><p>Or we are shunned, again.</p><p></p><p>And we let it happen because we cannot stop it from happening. And it hurts us; and we begin to shrivel and die, inside. And the abuser celebrates, and all their little mini-abusers, feeding on our pain and confusion just as surely as they did ~ all of them ~ when we were defenseless little girls, or defenseless little boys.</p><p></p><p>Only this time, we have one another, here on FOO Chronicles.</p><p></p><p>And so, we validate one another's realities. We witness one another's stories. We grow stronger; one day, we find ourselves stepping away from the whole, sordid mess.</p><p></p><p>Done.</p><p></p><p>Finally.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>It is close to impossible to assign responsibility for what happens in our families of origin. (And that is an important piece. Until we know what happened and until we know that it really did happen just as we remember it, we cannot name the perpetrator guilty. Instead, we excuse them and blame ourselves for what they have stupidly, repetitiously, endlessly ad nauseam, done. Believing we are somehow responsible for the hurt they do us, we go through the rest of our lives trying to make amends for whatever made our people hate us.</p><p></p><p>We even let our sisters in on the act.</p><p></p><p>And we...well, we are shunned, again.</p><p></p><p>Huh.</p><p></p><p>Funny, how that works, before we can see it for what it is.</p><p></p><p>And we find a good therapist (or a bad one) or...we find someone else to abuse us. So we can have a look at this dynamic right close up. And one day, we realize the old abuse and the new abuse are very different things. It is not that our new abusers see the same truths that made our old abusers hate us. And we learn: Abusers abuse because they are abusers.</p><p></p><p>Nothing in the world to do with us.</p><p></p><p>And we tell our current abusers to take a hike and decide to have a look at</p><p>the pointless cruelty in our dysfunctional families of origin, too.</p><p></p><p>Yay for us.</p><p></p><p>Only this time, we come out looking way better and the dysfunctional family members...they don't come out of it very well, at all. In fact, we get it that they look just like the kind of people who would knowingly hurt a child, or betray a sibling.</p><p></p><p>Who would, in my mother's case, knowingly, willfully, hurt more than one child.</p><p></p><p>And then, finally, one day, we stop protecting our sisters, in our thinking. Our sisters who, it turns out, have been stabbing us in the back (along with Mother) since they were old enough to hold a metaphorical knife.</p><p></p><p>And I realize the sisters hold a certain claim to innocence because they were formed too at the abuser's behest.</p><p></p><p>But still.</p><p></p><p>We were formed there, too. We did not do that to them.</p><p></p><p>In their defense, I will say the role of protector was already taken by us.</p><p></p><p>That is why they do not see how wrong it is for them to believe we should still be taking the hits for them. They blame us for everything and hate us for something I still don't understand but oddly enough, don't care very much about any more.</p><p></p><p>It just is what it is.</p><p></p><p>Out they go from that special place in my heart.</p><p></p><p>I read something once on Facebook about how we should not f*** with someone who is loyal to us.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>There is no "reason" for what they did. There is no "out of control oh feel sorry for me". There is no possible justification that justifies what was bought for the abuser, or the pointless stupidity of the hurt for all of us to this day.</p><p></p><p>It is better to know.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>We see these things, these kinds of abuses every day ~ in slavery, in misogyny, in racism, in all fanaticism. Our abusers were nothing special. Run of the mill people caught up in something evil.</p><p></p><p>Whatever.</p><p></p><p>None of that matters, not now. We all do our best; their best requires a victim; someone to make them feel they are better than they believe they are. It's a sad little circle, really. Who cares what they did when we were little. What matters is that we get them out of our heads, now.</p><p></p><p>And out of our hearts.</p><p></p><p>They lie.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>It is absolutely impossible, until we are well on our way in our healing, to assign responsibility for what we did <em>not</em> get. Because all those good things that did not happen for us taught us who we were, too. All those good, good teachings, having to do with warmth and honesty and safety, which might have taught us trust.</p><p></p><p>Trust is essentially the ability to trust that we are enough; to trust that we belong.</p><p></p><p>True presence begins when we understand that the Earth rejoices in the vibration of our footsteps; rejoices in the knowledge that at last, we have come. And with the understanding that this is true of every thing, and even of time.</p><p></p><p>That is where we are going.</p><p></p><p>It has to do with Benedictines, and with the Buddhist concept of work, and with Copa's concept of the reclamation of our internal Germany. It has to do with Jacob, and with slavery, and with how it was that Jacob could know himself as free, though he had been sold by his own family too, those dirty rats.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>None of those things matter now because it is over. What happened to us, for good or for bad, cannot be unlived. But in assigning responsibility for the bad and for the good too, we choose to name and therefore, save ourselves. It is less about crying that we have been victimized (though we have ~ but we can't change that) than it is about refusing any longer to carry the onus of a series of moral failures we did not commit.</p><p></p><p>These things that happened to us should not have happened to anyone. Yet, they do happen, every day. Terrible things happen in this world, every day. If we are ever going to stand up to that, we must stand up first to the morally deficient messages still hissing away on those negative tapes that define our perceptions of self to this day.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 675794, member: 17461"] Yes. We fight the truth for a long time. The story is so ugly. And we are so ashamed that these terrible things should have happened to us ~ that someone should have decided to hurt us, and not to love us, at all. Surely, we tell ourselves, these things we remember did not really happen. Surely, we are wrong in our thinking. And what in the world is the matter with us, that we think this way? And we decide to try harder, to be kinder, to do our best we know no matter what they say or do. Even when, like me, our own mothers raise their hands to us and we are 60 and they are 80 and the mother thinks that is a fine joke and we don't but we laugh, anyway. And then one day, we are shunned. Or we are shunned, again. And we let it happen because we cannot stop it from happening. And it hurts us; and we begin to shrivel and die, inside. And the abuser celebrates, and all their little mini-abusers, feeding on our pain and confusion just as surely as they did ~ all of them ~ when we were defenseless little girls, or defenseless little boys. Only this time, we have one another, here on FOO Chronicles. And so, we validate one another's realities. We witness one another's stories. We grow stronger; one day, we find ourselves stepping away from the whole, sordid mess. Done. Finally. *** It is close to impossible to assign responsibility for what happens in our families of origin. (And that is an important piece. Until we know what happened and until we know that it really did happen just as we remember it, we cannot name the perpetrator guilty. Instead, we excuse them and blame ourselves for what they have stupidly, repetitiously, endlessly ad nauseam, done. Believing we are somehow responsible for the hurt they do us, we go through the rest of our lives trying to make amends for whatever made our people hate us. We even let our sisters in on the act. And we...well, we are shunned, again. Huh. Funny, how that works, before we can see it for what it is. And we find a good therapist (or a bad one) or...we find someone else to abuse us. So we can have a look at this dynamic right close up. And one day, we realize the old abuse and the new abuse are very different things. It is not that our new abusers see the same truths that made our old abusers hate us. And we learn: Abusers abuse because they are abusers. Nothing in the world to do with us. And we tell our current abusers to take a hike and decide to have a look at the pointless cruelty in our dysfunctional families of origin, too. Yay for us. Only this time, we come out looking way better and the dysfunctional family members...they don't come out of it very well, at all. In fact, we get it that they look just like the kind of people who would knowingly hurt a child, or betray a sibling. Who would, in my mother's case, knowingly, willfully, hurt more than one child. And then, finally, one day, we stop protecting our sisters, in our thinking. Our sisters who, it turns out, have been stabbing us in the back (along with Mother) since they were old enough to hold a metaphorical knife. And I realize the sisters hold a certain claim to innocence because they were formed too at the abuser's behest. But still. We were formed there, too. We did not do that to them. In their defense, I will say the role of protector was already taken by us. That is why they do not see how wrong it is for them to believe we should still be taking the hits for them. They blame us for everything and hate us for something I still don't understand but oddly enough, don't care very much about any more. It just is what it is. Out they go from that special place in my heart. I read something once on Facebook about how we should not f*** with someone who is loyal to us. *** There is no "reason" for what they did. There is no "out of control oh feel sorry for me". There is no possible justification that justifies what was bought for the abuser, or the pointless stupidity of the hurt for all of us to this day. It is better to know. *** We see these things, these kinds of abuses every day ~ in slavery, in misogyny, in racism, in all fanaticism. Our abusers were nothing special. Run of the mill people caught up in something evil. Whatever. None of that matters, not now. We all do our best; their best requires a victim; someone to make them feel they are better than they believe they are. It's a sad little circle, really. Who cares what they did when we were little. What matters is that we get them out of our heads, now. And out of our hearts. They lie. *** It is absolutely impossible, until we are well on our way in our healing, to assign responsibility for what we did [I]not[/I] get. Because all those good things that did not happen for us taught us who we were, too. All those good, good teachings, having to do with warmth and honesty and safety, which might have taught us trust. Trust is essentially the ability to trust that we are enough; to trust that we belong. True presence begins when we understand that the Earth rejoices in the vibration of our footsteps; rejoices in the knowledge that at last, we have come. And with the understanding that this is true of every thing, and even of time. That is where we are going. It has to do with Benedictines, and with the Buddhist concept of work, and with Copa's concept of the reclamation of our internal Germany. It has to do with Jacob, and with slavery, and with how it was that Jacob could know himself as free, though he had been sold by his own family too, those dirty rats. *** None of those things matter now because it is over. What happened to us, for good or for bad, cannot be unlived. But in assigning responsibility for the bad and for the good too, we choose to name and therefore, save ourselves. It is less about crying that we have been victimized (though we have ~ but we can't change that) than it is about refusing any longer to carry the onus of a series of moral failures we did not commit. These things that happened to us should not have happened to anyone. Yet, they do happen, every day. Terrible things happen in this world, every day. If we are ever going to stand up to that, we must stand up first to the morally deficient messages still hissing away on those negative tapes that define our perceptions of self to this day. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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