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Surviving parent, whom I love, sad that his kids are estranged
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 675968" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>M is like Joseph. He does not let what others do to him touch him. To him it is about them, them and themselves. Like it is for me and myself. I am learning that. </p><p></p><p>Today M's niece came again (when she knew M would not be here.) She came last night. This is the niece that told M's kids she would report him to immigration. She is the daughter of the evil sister, the one who plotted to take the parents' house.</p><p></p><p>Ostensibly she came to help with reconciliation, but we do not think that now. We think she came to lay the groundwork to ask for money, inventing an unbelievable story. For me. One that made me feel dirty and unsafe. In my own home.</p><p></p><p>She told me that her rental car with shot with bullets by a car that was following her and a man. She said she wanted $500 to pay the deductible for her insurance. She works full time. She did not want to tell her mother. I told her I did not want to be involved.</p><p></p><p>We believe she may be selling drugs. And the money is for something related to drugs. She is a college graduate. Working as a teacher's aide.</p><p></p><p>Why do I feel dirty and corrupt, when it has nothing to do with me?</p><p></p><p>You see. I am not like M. I believe it happens to me. Around me. I did something wrong to deserve it. Or I am bad and that is why bad things happen around me. </p><p></p><p>I think part of it is faith, too. Why Joseph did not need revenge or feel it in his heart. He believed, like M does, that everything comes out in the wash. That we are punished by our evil deeds and evil hearts. He does not need revenge because he believes the consequences will always accrue to the bad actor. Even if it does not seem to be the case. Especially if it does not seem to be the case.</p><p></p><p>He once said about my sister that she was going to have a horrible dying. Because of all of the evil in her heart that she will not have the means to defend against when any power she has, no longer exists.</p><p>Yes. A neutrality. Meeting anything and everything head on.</p><p></p><p>Today I told M, I am afraid every time the phone rings. He responded, that fear has got to stop. What does that help, he said? To be afraid. What is going to happen will happen. You will meet it if it does. </p><p></p><p>But see, ultimately, I live in a very, very dangerous world. Because harm always is circling to threaten me. Because it is what I must feel I deserve.</p><p></p><p>I have been organizing papers. My life has been out of control now for a long time. I have no idea how much I spend. Or have. Or have lost. From this internal dread, I create chaos, create the possibility of dangerous and fearful consequences for myself. This is how I feel comfortable. It must remind me of my life before. The word for that is ego-syntonic. Danger and threat, feel like home to me. That is what ego-syntonic means. There is no dissonance. I have no dissonance to danger and risk. I guess that is why I worked in prisons. It feels like home.</p><p></p><p>M lets everybody else construct their own prison. He does not buy in. He does not buy in to what they do or say to him. Or tries not to. Because he knows it is about them. On them and in them. He only gets mad if it is children or his mother who they affect. </p><p></p><p>He said: These people their lives are out of control. Chaos. Everything is a lie and falling apart. And they go down to Mexico feeling they are superior and can put their hands in everything to fix problems there. They make huge messes for everybody. Chaos. When their own lives are a havoc. </p><p></p><p>But there is not a personal piece of him--an internal rage--that gets triggered. There is no desire for vengeance--because it is not about him. </p><p></p><p>That is where we are going too. (*I used a Cedarism here.) We are going to a place where there is order and tranquility. Where our homes and affairs and internal lives are islands of internal coherence, awareness and balance. Where we are open to all of the good, and fear and disorder and threat do not touch us. Not because we do not recognize it. But because we do not own it. We do not accept it or call it our own.</p><p>Cedar, they loved you as they love. Not as you needed to be loved, deserved to be. </p><p>They could not love you as you needed, because they were not capable of it. They could not conceive of the love you needed. They only recognized you based upon who they were. They never understood you. They lacked essential parts of themselves to do so. </p><p></p><p>It was not a choice not to love you, Cedar. They love you in the way they can. They love you as much as they are able. You decided it was not enough. Or that the type of love they gave was hurtful or insufficient so as to compensate you for the danger and hurtfulness of their love.</p><p>Yes. This is complicated and painful to look at. Because our lives have been so hard and cold in this place. Maybe we will be able to go there together.</p><p>This is painful, here. This part. I did not quote the context so I am unsure to what the "this" refers.</p><p></p><p>I looked back and saw that the "this " refers to being unlovable. </p><p></p><p>In my case because I blamed myself, I was unlovable I think because I was angry. There was something damaged and out of control in me. Maybe my wants. Maybe I felt I was damaged because I wanted love and needed care in a way I never got. Everything got all mixed up inside me. Cause and effect. Self and other.</p><p></p><p>I believe M loves me. I love him. I am not out of control. I am not angry. What I feared in myself did not come to be. But it did happen when my son began to have real problems and I blamed myself. And so did everybody else, it seems.</p><p>We had been found out. I did not deserve to be loved because I was too mad. </p><p>Yes.</p><p>This is who she is, Cedar. As is my own sister, in her own way. And M's sister, too. </p><p>With me, I think I am in touch with those feelings, to some extent. For the majority of my life, I was alone. I did not have a protective cocoon around me of somebody who loved me.</p><p>The anger that I thought I had was a screen emotion. Underneath I am not angry. Just sad and afraid. Vulnerable.</p><p>I know I did that. Do that, still. I fear so. </p><p></p><p>I do not understand exactly to what you refer in yourself. Can you say a bit more?</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 675968, member: 18958"] M is like Joseph. He does not let what others do to him touch him. To him it is about them, them and themselves. Like it is for me and myself. I am learning that. Today M's niece came again (when she knew M would not be here.) She came last night. This is the niece that told M's kids she would report him to immigration. She is the daughter of the evil sister, the one who plotted to take the parents' house. Ostensibly she came to help with reconciliation, but we do not think that now. We think she came to lay the groundwork to ask for money, inventing an unbelievable story. For me. One that made me feel dirty and unsafe. In my own home. She told me that her rental car with shot with bullets by a car that was following her and a man. She said she wanted $500 to pay the deductible for her insurance. She works full time. She did not want to tell her mother. I told her I did not want to be involved. We believe she may be selling drugs. And the money is for something related to drugs. She is a college graduate. Working as a teacher's aide. Why do I feel dirty and corrupt, when it has nothing to do with me? You see. I am not like M. I believe it happens to me. Around me. I did something wrong to deserve it. Or I am bad and that is why bad things happen around me. I think part of it is faith, too. Why Joseph did not need revenge or feel it in his heart. He believed, like M does, that everything comes out in the wash. That we are punished by our evil deeds and evil hearts. He does not need revenge because he believes the consequences will always accrue to the bad actor. Even if it does not seem to be the case. Especially if it does not seem to be the case. He once said about my sister that she was going to have a horrible dying. Because of all of the evil in her heart that she will not have the means to defend against when any power she has, no longer exists. Yes. A neutrality. Meeting anything and everything head on. Today I told M, I am afraid every time the phone rings. He responded, that fear has got to stop. What does that help, he said? To be afraid. What is going to happen will happen. You will meet it if it does. But see, ultimately, I live in a very, very dangerous world. Because harm always is circling to threaten me. Because it is what I must feel I deserve. I have been organizing papers. My life has been out of control now for a long time. I have no idea how much I spend. Or have. Or have lost. From this internal dread, I create chaos, create the possibility of dangerous and fearful consequences for myself. This is how I feel comfortable. It must remind me of my life before. The word for that is ego-syntonic. Danger and threat, feel like home to me. That is what ego-syntonic means. There is no dissonance. I have no dissonance to danger and risk. I guess that is why I worked in prisons. It feels like home. M lets everybody else construct their own prison. He does not buy in. He does not buy in to what they do or say to him. Or tries not to. Because he knows it is about them. On them and in them. He only gets mad if it is children or his mother who they affect. He said: These people their lives are out of control. Chaos. Everything is a lie and falling apart. And they go down to Mexico feeling they are superior and can put their hands in everything to fix problems there. They make huge messes for everybody. Chaos. When their own lives are a havoc. But there is not a personal piece of him--an internal rage--that gets triggered. There is no desire for vengeance--because it is not about him. That is where we are going too. (*I used a Cedarism here.) We are going to a place where there is order and tranquility. Where our homes and affairs and internal lives are islands of internal coherence, awareness and balance. Where we are open to all of the good, and fear and disorder and threat do not touch us. Not because we do not recognize it. But because we do not own it. We do not accept it or call it our own. Cedar, they loved you as they love. Not as you needed to be loved, deserved to be. They could not love you as you needed, because they were not capable of it. They could not conceive of the love you needed. They only recognized you based upon who they were. They never understood you. They lacked essential parts of themselves to do so. It was not a choice not to love you, Cedar. They love you in the way they can. They love you as much as they are able. You decided it was not enough. Or that the type of love they gave was hurtful or insufficient so as to compensate you for the danger and hurtfulness of their love. Yes. This is complicated and painful to look at. Because our lives have been so hard and cold in this place. Maybe we will be able to go there together. This is painful, here. This part. I did not quote the context so I am unsure to what the "this" refers. I looked back and saw that the "this " refers to being unlovable. In my case because I blamed myself, I was unlovable I think because I was angry. There was something damaged and out of control in me. Maybe my wants. Maybe I felt I was damaged because I wanted love and needed care in a way I never got. Everything got all mixed up inside me. Cause and effect. Self and other. I believe M loves me. I love him. I am not out of control. I am not angry. What I feared in myself did not come to be. But it did happen when my son began to have real problems and I blamed myself. And so did everybody else, it seems. We had been found out. I did not deserve to be loved because I was too mad. Yes. This is who she is, Cedar. As is my own sister, in her own way. And M's sister, too. With me, I think I am in touch with those feelings, to some extent. For the majority of my life, I was alone. I did not have a protective cocoon around me of somebody who loved me. The anger that I thought I had was a screen emotion. Underneath I am not angry. Just sad and afraid. Vulnerable. I know I did that. Do that, still. I fear so. I do not understand exactly to what you refer in yourself. Can you say a bit more? COPA [/QUOTE]
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