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Family of Origin
Surviving parent, whom I love, sad that his kids are estranged
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 675992" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Copa...you still loved her. It is NOT your fault that she was demanding and scared you. She didn't have to relate to you that way. She in my opinion should have seen that it drove you away. It's the parents who need to figure out the child and then act accordingly. We are not cookie cutter people. Often childhood roles remain in adulthood so nothing changes. You can not blame yourself for not being with her. Adult children move, get careers, go on to have families and kids, and their own lives and mothers have to do the same and be happy for their grown kids and have their own lives. Gosh, I never want to be that parent who calls her kids saying, "Love me!!! I'm your mother! Leave your family and pay attention to ME." I do have a busy life, even now that I am still in recovery over the accident. My kids love me, but they don't have to call me every minute or beg for my presence or give up their own dreams to sit and hold my hand. That's more narc parenting...you try to hang onto and boss around your grown kids for your own advantage. I'm not saying your mother did this. I'm saying it was normal for you to spread your wings as an adult. </p><p></p><p>I felt small around my mother too. She was so belittling all my life. Everything I did that I knew was positive, she turned to a negative. Both my husbands were trash (she hated both), but when I divorced the first one and told her, her first words were "Well, don't expect ME to help you!" Like I'd ask her for that. Like I thought she would...lol When I adopted kids, "You're just doing it for the MONEY.? Yeah, sure. The money WE paid to adopt them, all except for Sonic. What a mean thing to say. But that was her. When I had my first date after seperating from first husband, she said, "You're still married a nd you're dating. I WOULD NEVER DO THAT!" Um, yeah. I was not living with my soon to be ex and divorce papers had been filed. I wonder if she would have said the same to my sister if my sister had confided in her that her first boyfriend after leaving her husband (and I believe she was still legally married too) was a married man. But my sister knew how to work my mother. She would never have told her. It took me a long time to realize I shouldn't tell my mother anything because she'd just belittle it. Nothing about me was good, even if what I did WAS good, if you know what I mean. So I detached from her. I was grandma's girl and certainly favorite and at least I had that. Maybe my grandma was the reason I felt worthy of being loved. The fear of intimacy is very strong with both my siblings, but I never was afraid to try. </p><p></p><p>I digress. You reached out to your mom w ith phonecalls. That's all you can do when you live far away and it's loving. My son Bart is too far for me to see more than once or twice a year and he calls me every single day and, now that he is no longer under stress, we have nice talks. I know he trusts and loves me. I don't need him to be sitting beside me. Your mother knew you loved her. </p><p></p><p>Copa, you did right by your mother. Perhaps sh e did not do right by you, but you did right by her. And you did right by your son. He reaches out to you, as my grown kids reach out to me. All of them and often. They don't have to reach out to us, but they love us and value us so they do. Yes, your son values you, even if he is sometimes mean. He doesn't have to call you at all, but he does. M. values you and he seems like such a smart and wise man. </p><p></p><p></p><p>You are good. You are valuable. You are my dear friend. And you are enough. Hold your chin up. You did nothing wrong.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 675992, member: 1550"] Copa...you still loved her. It is NOT your fault that she was demanding and scared you. She didn't have to relate to you that way. She in my opinion should have seen that it drove you away. It's the parents who need to figure out the child and then act accordingly. We are not cookie cutter people. Often childhood roles remain in adulthood so nothing changes. You can not blame yourself for not being with her. Adult children move, get careers, go on to have families and kids, and their own lives and mothers have to do the same and be happy for their grown kids and have their own lives. Gosh, I never want to be that parent who calls her kids saying, "Love me!!! I'm your mother! Leave your family and pay attention to ME." I do have a busy life, even now that I am still in recovery over the accident. My kids love me, but they don't have to call me every minute or beg for my presence or give up their own dreams to sit and hold my hand. That's more narc parenting...you try to hang onto and boss around your grown kids for your own advantage. I'm not saying your mother did this. I'm saying it was normal for you to spread your wings as an adult. I felt small around my mother too. She was so belittling all my life. Everything I did that I knew was positive, she turned to a negative. Both my husbands were trash (she hated both), but when I divorced the first one and told her, her first words were "Well, don't expect ME to help you!" Like I'd ask her for that. Like I thought she would...lol When I adopted kids, "You're just doing it for the MONEY.? Yeah, sure. The money WE paid to adopt them, all except for Sonic. What a mean thing to say. But that was her. When I had my first date after seperating from first husband, she said, "You're still married a nd you're dating. I WOULD NEVER DO THAT!" Um, yeah. I was not living with my soon to be ex and divorce papers had been filed. I wonder if she would have said the same to my sister if my sister had confided in her that her first boyfriend after leaving her husband (and I believe she was still legally married too) was a married man. But my sister knew how to work my mother. She would never have told her. It took me a long time to realize I shouldn't tell my mother anything because she'd just belittle it. Nothing about me was good, even if what I did WAS good, if you know what I mean. So I detached from her. I was grandma's girl and certainly favorite and at least I had that. Maybe my grandma was the reason I felt worthy of being loved. The fear of intimacy is very strong with both my siblings, but I never was afraid to try. I digress. You reached out to your mom w ith phonecalls. That's all you can do when you live far away and it's loving. My son Bart is too far for me to see more than once or twice a year and he calls me every single day and, now that he is no longer under stress, we have nice talks. I know he trusts and loves me. I don't need him to be sitting beside me. Your mother knew you loved her. Copa, you did right by your mother. Perhaps sh e did not do right by you, but you did right by her. And you did right by your son. He reaches out to you, as my grown kids reach out to me. All of them and often. They don't have to reach out to us, but they love us and value us so they do. Yes, your son values you, even if he is sometimes mean. He doesn't have to call you at all, but he does. M. values you and he seems like such a smart and wise man. You are good. You are valuable. You are my dear friend. And you are enough. Hold your chin up. You did nothing wrong. [/QUOTE]
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Surviving parent, whom I love, sad that his kids are estranged
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