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Family of Origin
Surviving parent, whom I love, sad that his kids are estranged
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 676028" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>This is interesting, Copa. I had been found out because "Just don't think, Cedar." "Who do you think you are." "Don't you dare."</p><p></p><p>And I did dare. And I was someone I liked very much. And I dared to think I was thinking nicely.</p><p></p><p>And I was wrong.</p><p></p><p>So...I was never mad, Copa. Not in any way which would have damned me to the hellishess of what happened when the family D H and I had created fell apart. But I had done all those things my mother had told me never, ever to dare do.</p><p></p><p>Were you punished for rebelling against what was happening to you as a child, Copa? Is that how they justified what they did to you?</p><p></p><p>It is strange that for both of us, the reason we "deserved" to lose those we loved and who loved us back have to do with how our families of origin justified abusing every decency and harming their own children.</p><p></p><p>Those things were never true of you, Copa. Anymore than it is true that I cannot think and should not dare and whatever the other one was.</p><p></p><p>Out they go, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Those outmoded belief systems may have kept you safe once (it would be better to know why they hated us, or seemed to, when we were little). You know, that is it I think, Copa and everyone. That may be why those things ring for us now. What Serenity's mom said to her, what my mom said to me, what Copa was told, either openly or by implication. <em>These may have been the things we believed so we could limit the global nature of the abuse.</em></p><p></p><p>Maybe, that is how we survived. Parts of us were good. Just not those parts.</p><p></p><p>All the toxicity is there, in those phrases.</p><p></p><p>Well, I don't know. But I think I am on to something.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes. And today, I think she is a malignant narcissist. And I know that doesn't mean anything because I found the term on the internet and so on but today?</p><p></p><p>I feel like name calling.</p><p></p><p>And I just know I will feel really badly about that tomorrow? But for today and yesterday, too, I am throwing roses in the air that turn into one of those sky banners that say "Malignant Narcissist" like it is a real thing.</p><p></p><p>So there, and take that, Mother.</p><p></p><p>Not that I would ever actually say that to anyone.</p><p></p><p>This is just pretend.</p><p></p><p>But I mean it, for today.</p><p></p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>Okay. Little bit of a circle, there.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>This made you very strong.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think this feels different than those fantasies of vengeance and not taking vengeance. This is like...I don't know. Like, how dishonorable would it be for a criminal family like a Mafia family to dishonor themselves by victimizing those who were defenseless. Those who did that would be beneath contempt or honor.</p><p></p><p>And that is as far as I got with that imagery.</p><p></p><p>Consciously anyway, Cedar adds, waggling her eyebrows.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is in reference to stepping back re the sisters. I think it is a lifelong training to be watchful of the sisters, to protect the sisters because we were the older sisters. It isn't exactly a conscious thing, but it is about not getting into the sisters' faces when they behave like reprehensible amoral and many other bad words. In that sense, we do not defend ourselves from them, nor do we stand up to them. In that sense, there would be in there somewhere a layer where we have been taught that to compete truly is wrong. If we win, it is because we are bigger and we should have let the little guy win. If we lose, we are really dorky because after all, they are just little guys.</p><p></p><p>Somewhere that is in here too.</p><p></p><p>I only fight to win with D H.</p><p></p><p>He says that, too. That I seem to have no problem standing up to him.</p><p></p><p>But I do, to everyone else.</p><p></p><p>Like, I am supposed to help, not win. This is true. I went gambling one time, and won? And when those pretend coins came out of the machine and all those lights and etc were going off?</p><p></p><p>I felt really bad for the persons near me because I won and they didn't.</p><p></p><p>And that is why I don't like gambling. I don't get the win there, either. I mean, I know it's money, but where is the value in trusting to luck. Plus, you could lose, also by luck.</p><p></p><p>I like to know why I am losing.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>(Which is a sly attempt at wittiness you guys. Get it? I like to know why I am losing, in the context of PTSD and etc?)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 676028, member: 17461"] This is interesting, Copa. I had been found out because "Just don't think, Cedar." "Who do you think you are." "Don't you dare." And I did dare. And I was someone I liked very much. And I dared to think I was thinking nicely. And I was wrong. So...I was never mad, Copa. Not in any way which would have damned me to the hellishess of what happened when the family D H and I had created fell apart. But I had done all those things my mother had told me never, ever to dare do. Were you punished for rebelling against what was happening to you as a child, Copa? Is that how they justified what they did to you? It is strange that for both of us, the reason we "deserved" to lose those we loved and who loved us back have to do with how our families of origin justified abusing every decency and harming their own children. Those things were never true of you, Copa. Anymore than it is true that I cannot think and should not dare and whatever the other one was. Out they go, Copa. Those outmoded belief systems may have kept you safe once (it would be better to know why they hated us, or seemed to, when we were little). You know, that is it I think, Copa and everyone. That may be why those things ring for us now. What Serenity's mom said to her, what my mom said to me, what Copa was told, either openly or by implication. [I]These may have been the things we believed so we could limit the global nature of the abuse.[/I] Maybe, that is how we survived. Parts of us were good. Just not those parts. All the toxicity is there, in those phrases. Well, I don't know. But I think I am on to something. Yes. And today, I think she is a malignant narcissist. And I know that doesn't mean anything because I found the term on the internet and so on but today? I feel like name calling. And I just know I will feel really badly about that tomorrow? But for today and yesterday, too, I am throwing roses in the air that turn into one of those sky banners that say "Malignant Narcissist" like it is a real thing. So there, and take that, Mother. Not that I would ever actually say that to anyone. This is just pretend. But I mean it, for today. Yes. Okay. Little bit of a circle, there. Yes. This made you very strong. I think this feels different than those fantasies of vengeance and not taking vengeance. This is like...I don't know. Like, how dishonorable would it be for a criminal family like a Mafia family to dishonor themselves by victimizing those who were defenseless. Those who did that would be beneath contempt or honor. And that is as far as I got with that imagery. Consciously anyway, Cedar adds, waggling her eyebrows. :O) This is in reference to stepping back re the sisters. I think it is a lifelong training to be watchful of the sisters, to protect the sisters because we were the older sisters. It isn't exactly a conscious thing, but it is about not getting into the sisters' faces when they behave like reprehensible amoral and many other bad words. In that sense, we do not defend ourselves from them, nor do we stand up to them. In that sense, there would be in there somewhere a layer where we have been taught that to compete truly is wrong. If we win, it is because we are bigger and we should have let the little guy win. If we lose, we are really dorky because after all, they are just little guys. Somewhere that is in here too. I only fight to win with D H. He says that, too. That I seem to have no problem standing up to him. But I do, to everyone else. Like, I am supposed to help, not win. This is true. I went gambling one time, and won? And when those pretend coins came out of the machine and all those lights and etc were going off? I felt really bad for the persons near me because I won and they didn't. And that is why I don't like gambling. I don't get the win there, either. I mean, I know it's money, but where is the value in trusting to luck. Plus, you could lose, also by luck. I like to know why I am losing. Cedar (Which is a sly attempt at wittiness you guys. Get it? I like to know why I am losing, in the context of PTSD and etc?) [/QUOTE]
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