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Surviving parent, whom I love, sad that his kids are estranged
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 676047" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I have to go get my blood work done (and a mammogram). It is 1 pm here and I have not eaten.</p><p></p><p>But I know my priorities. I will respond to the first part of your post, Cedar, and when I come home will address the rest.</p><p>That you could discern, Cedar, by your own values and perspective.</p><p></p><p>Your mother behaves sadistically, Cedar, when she does so. She does these things to show her power. To herself, in herself. She may feel she was indebted to this woman. This kind woman. And she degraded the woman so as to demean her, to achieve her own dominance. Inside of herself. And to show others her cruel power over. </p><p></p><p>Remember I wrote in some thread that I was so surprised to learn in reading anthropology that charity is considered in many tribal or traditional societies to be a means for powerful and rich people to demonstrate for all to see their superiority. That they have things to give, and do, shows their status. This is similar. To demean and degrade this woman, shows her to be beneath contempt. It destroys whatever power your mother thought she gave her, by accepting her help. It is an ugly dynamic. </p><p></p><p>It says: I do not need you. I never needed you. Rid that thought from your mind. You are beneath contempt. You deserve nothing from me in exchange. Your role is only to give, at my command. When and if I say so. There is no relationship of equality here. </p><p></p><p>It is what your mother did to you, too, Cedar.</p><p>When I first read this, I thought back to another, much earlier instance, when I confided in her, believing her to be a different sort of person. </p><p></p><p>When my mother was ill she came over to help me. M had liked this niece believing her to be intelligent and industrious. I had been having problems with M. I told her of some of them. When I read your words, Cedar, I thought about that.</p><p></p><p>But the night before I rid those prior confidences of any power that they might of had. I tell M everything. That his family says about M, and that I may have said to anybody about him. First of all, there is that. Nobody can use my words to them, against M or me. But the night before, the 3 of us together I said this: You know I have had problems with M. I told you them. Those problems exist in the past. The memory of them. They cannot be papered over, the memory of them. But they do not matter. Because we have gone on. We do not exist as we existed then. Only in memory. The people we were then no longer exist. Those problems cannot hurt us because we each decided to continue together. We made that choice. By that we became new people. We gave ourselves and each other that chance.</p><p></p><p>Nothing in the past can hurt us. We have changed. It is a decision.</p><p></p><p>But after I saw what you meant, Cedar, I realized. I had never thought that somebody would be so evil as to do that. </p><p></p><p>I had asked M the night before after she left. It was never mentioned, the threat. M said that while it was unspoken, it was remembered. How chilling.</p><p>When she first told me about the story of the bullets and being shot at, I told her, the money is the least of your worries. Your life is at stake.</p><p></p><p>Do you think M will tell my mother? </p><p></p><p>I do not think so, but I do not know. Your parents, both of them, need to know. You live with them and your sister. Everybody that is around you, potentially, is at risk.</p><p></p><p>She left for a few minutes to print a document at the copy store. When she came back she said, "don't feel any pressure to loan me the money." I think she was rethinking the advisability of having seen me as her mark.</p><p></p><p>I told her. I do not feel pressure. I do not want to involve myself in something like what you are involved in. In any way. And I left it at that.</p><p>Yes. And if the predators are your parents, your sister, your family? The child must feel that something about them calls for the predator. Screams prey. That they have the mark and scent of prey. What a horrible, horrible thing.</p><p>Cedar, it never, ever occurred to me, this. </p><p></p><p>It chills and infuriates me that she could have felt any power over me. </p><p></p><p>How far I have come in my life. </p><p></p><p>She could never know that this woman I am is so far from her prey as a star is from a cesspool. </p><p></p><p>I would never submit in fear to a person like her, by means she employs. </p><p></p><p>I see her as a dirty thing. In every way. I do not want her dirt in my home. I will not keep any of M's family away from my home, but I told M: I do not like the way I feel when she is here, or the way her life touches us. </p><p></p><p>M said: My sister is not a good mother to her daughters. And left it at that. I think in him this is about as bad as saying somebody might be a serial rapist. (Bill Cosby is on the news.) </p><p></p><p>I will now go to get my blood work. And be back for the rest of your post.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 676047, member: 18958"] I have to go get my blood work done (and a mammogram). It is 1 pm here and I have not eaten. But I know my priorities. I will respond to the first part of your post, Cedar, and when I come home will address the rest. That you could discern, Cedar, by your own values and perspective. Your mother behaves sadistically, Cedar, when she does so. She does these things to show her power. To herself, in herself. She may feel she was indebted to this woman. This kind woman. And she degraded the woman so as to demean her, to achieve her own dominance. Inside of herself. And to show others her cruel power over. Remember I wrote in some thread that I was so surprised to learn in reading anthropology that charity is considered in many tribal or traditional societies to be a means for powerful and rich people to demonstrate for all to see their superiority. That they have things to give, and do, shows their status. This is similar. To demean and degrade this woman, shows her to be beneath contempt. It destroys whatever power your mother thought she gave her, by accepting her help. It is an ugly dynamic. It says: I do not need you. I never needed you. Rid that thought from your mind. You are beneath contempt. You deserve nothing from me in exchange. Your role is only to give, at my command. When and if I say so. There is no relationship of equality here. It is what your mother did to you, too, Cedar. When I first read this, I thought back to another, much earlier instance, when I confided in her, believing her to be a different sort of person. When my mother was ill she came over to help me. M had liked this niece believing her to be intelligent and industrious. I had been having problems with M. I told her of some of them. When I read your words, Cedar, I thought about that. But the night before I rid those prior confidences of any power that they might of had. I tell M everything. That his family says about M, and that I may have said to anybody about him. First of all, there is that. Nobody can use my words to them, against M or me. But the night before, the 3 of us together I said this: You know I have had problems with M. I told you them. Those problems exist in the past. The memory of them. They cannot be papered over, the memory of them. But they do not matter. Because we have gone on. We do not exist as we existed then. Only in memory. The people we were then no longer exist. Those problems cannot hurt us because we each decided to continue together. We made that choice. By that we became new people. We gave ourselves and each other that chance. Nothing in the past can hurt us. We have changed. It is a decision. But after I saw what you meant, Cedar, I realized. I had never thought that somebody would be so evil as to do that. I had asked M the night before after she left. It was never mentioned, the threat. M said that while it was unspoken, it was remembered. How chilling. When she first told me about the story of the bullets and being shot at, I told her, the money is the least of your worries. Your life is at stake. Do you think M will tell my mother? I do not think so, but I do not know. Your parents, both of them, need to know. You live with them and your sister. Everybody that is around you, potentially, is at risk. She left for a few minutes to print a document at the copy store. When she came back she said, "don't feel any pressure to loan me the money." I think she was rethinking the advisability of having seen me as her mark. I told her. I do not feel pressure. I do not want to involve myself in something like what you are involved in. In any way. And I left it at that. Yes. And if the predators are your parents, your sister, your family? The child must feel that something about them calls for the predator. Screams prey. That they have the mark and scent of prey. What a horrible, horrible thing. Cedar, it never, ever occurred to me, this. It chills and infuriates me that she could have felt any power over me. How far I have come in my life. She could never know that this woman I am is so far from her prey as a star is from a cesspool. I would never submit in fear to a person like her, by means she employs. I see her as a dirty thing. In every way. I do not want her dirt in my home. I will not keep any of M's family away from my home, but I told M: I do not like the way I feel when she is here, or the way her life touches us. M said: My sister is not a good mother to her daughters. And left it at that. I think in him this is about as bad as saying somebody might be a serial rapist. (Bill Cosby is on the news.) I will now go to get my blood work. And be back for the rest of your post. [/QUOTE]
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