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Family of Origin
Surviving parent, whom I love, sad that his kids are estranged
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 676090" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>I am sorry for coming in later to this discussion, I needed time to sift through all of this material. I read and reread, and am blown away by the work<em>, </em>and, well it takes awhile for me to process.....</p><p>Please forgive me, for as I have said before, what you all have experienced is <em>way more than I</em>. I am truly sorry for the pain of it, the intensity and levels of hurt.</p><p> So, in effect, are you saying that loving our children as babes, <em>woke us up with the sleeping beauty kiss</em>, then, when they turned to drugs, it was a reawakening of our childhood traumas?</p><p>Not only because of what our children<em> became </em>through drugs, but also, the intense emotional trauma, we went (are going) through? It linked together, with our childhood trauma?</p><p>The memories came out of the closet......pulled out by the horror of what our d c's exhibited......Cedar, forgive my naïveté, but the things you have written, the degree of abuse you suffered as a child and beyond....was some of that so thoroughly buried within.....then came boiling up to the surface? It is the memories, or the feelings attached to those, or both......or this continued imagery of what wasn't....</p><p>I am asking because most of my <em>bad </em>memories are of my sis....My folks didn't really intervene, <em>now that</em>, I do not understand......</p><p>I cannot <em>fathom</em> the degree, that you, Copa and Serenity have suffered. I am sorry. It is awful. I will be your witness,<em> I am horrified at the depth of your despair.</em></p><p></p><p> I am sorry for this loneliness.</p><p>I am thinking of this, you wrote to me......</p><p> I am glad you have this. From an interview I read.... Joel-</p><p>"We are made in the image of Almighty God. [Yet we] go around not feeling good about ourselves with that weak-worm-of-the-dust mentality. So many people even talk about themselves: “You know what? I’m unattractive, my mind’s so slow, and I can’t do this.” And you know what I tell them? “God didn’t make a mistake when He made you. You need to see yourself as God sees you.” I like this very much, it is true Cedar.</p><p> Yes, movement is good. It always helps me,<em> I have to get back into the routine</em>.</p><p>Can you explain<em> staying </em>with the emotional reality?</p><p>Because it doesn't feel good, it feels like being "stuck" to me. I have been stuck for days......well, <em>weeks</em>. UGH.</p><p>I am sorry Cedar. This is so very uncomfortable, but when you come through, I think things will be much better.</p><p></p><p> I am reading through all of this Cedar, and I am feeling wretched for you, because you are describing such....agony. When you do post, it helps, not only you, but others (like me), who are experiencing similar things.</p><p></p><p> The battle is with the <em>image of what a mother should be, </em>not your mother. It is not you, a thousand times not you. She was not a mother to you, not in the sense of loving, kind, caring. Biologically, yes, nurturing no. Mothers do not leave their children feeling as you are. I am really upset with her, Cedar, you are good and kind and so intelligent. You are retraumatizing yourself with all of this. It is about loving the little girl you were, and loving you now. Not about your mother, your sister, internal locust of control.........</p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes.....</p><p> No, this does not happen to everyone, it is not normal, this is straight out of "Mommy Dearest", it is horrible.</p><p> Yes.</p><p></p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p> I have found this to be true.</p><p></p><p> I am reading along, Cedar, and I am perplexed, because, I do<em> feel a sense of-wait I wrote loyalty...... </em>then thought about it. My sister is family. I named her Atilla, after all. That is not so loyal.</p><p>So, then, I feel badly, because I do not want to be false, either. I do not want to be hurtful, <em>a backstabber</em>, you know? I do not want to put on "theatrics", but <em>will</em> be polite, and how do you say it- even keeled? This is sort of the antithesis-to SWOTS topic, because her Dad wants the family to be "together", but it is <em>too late for that, there has been too much going on</em>. I do not blame Serenity one bit, especially after what I have read.</p><p>Mom wants the same, so I am willing to "bury the hatchet", but I also feel, in some ways, the extent that Serenity's sister went to, is way more than what I have fared? Yes, my sister has done some horrible things, is domineering and controlling, and somewhat conniving. Okay ewwww, writing all of that, just ewwww. Ahem.....</p><p>Anyways, I am okay with walking softly, so to speak, so that I can try to give Mom the peace she wishes for? Geez, just the look on her face, "I just wish you all could get along"........</p><p>Then comes that whole betrayal of self, and integrity question......It is <em>definitely puzzling.</em></p><p>Am I being nice and sacrificing, or am I playing the martyr role, will it eventually slap me upside the head? I do not know. I guess I will have to cross that bridge when I get to it? Would it be better to duke it out, put all the cards on the table......</p><p>Maybe all of this work, will help me be a little more prepared? (I hope so). It will be hard enough to lose Mom, but if it ends up with ugliness......I will be very upset, to say the least. It is a scary thought, I hear so much about family upheaval with the passing of the surviving parent.<em> SIGH.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p> It is true, it hasn't stopped. I am low contact right now......with sis.</p><p></p><p> Yes, I believe so Cedar, everything will be new. Free.</p><p></p><p> But, I did teach my children to be careful, that some people can be cruel, I am sure you did the same. My children saw firsthand, the ravages of drugs, their grandfather on hubs side, was a user, they knew, and they still <em>went there.</em></p><p></p><p> But forgiveness does not mean <em>forgetting. </em>There is a lesson to be learned, a story to be told. Spiritual books are full of these lessons.</p><p></p><p>These are your words to me Cedar, and I will write them here for you.... <span style="color: #0000ff">We were meant to be whole, and to heal......Whatever it is for you, that will be why you have sacrificed yourself to their interests. Whatever dream you hold about your family of origin, that is what you (and I do too) need to understand, to somehow come to terms with never having. If they could have given us what we needed, they would have.</span></p><p><span style="color: #0000ff"></span></p><p><span style="color: #0000ff"></span></p><p><span style="color: #0000ff">That is what I mean when I post that quote: What of him who has nothing? He will lose what he has. </span></p><p><span style="color: #0000ff"></span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 255)"></span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 255)">Because love was, first.</span></p><p><span style="color: #0000ff"></span></p><p><span style="color: #0000ff">Then, came the hurt.</span></p><p><span style="color: #0000ff"></span></p><p><span style="color: #0000ff">We are meant to be whole.</span></p><p><span style="color: #0000ff"></span></p><p><span style="color: #0000ff">Love came first.</span></p><p><span style="color: #0000ff"></span></p><p><span style="color: #0000ff">Damaged, not defective.</span></p><p><span style="color: #0000ff"></span></p><p><span style="color: #0000ff">Love came first.</span></p><p><span style="color: #0000ff"></span></p><p><span style="color: #0000ff">And once we lose what we have, Leafy?</span></p><p><span style="color: #0000ff"></span></p><p><span style="color: #0000ff">We are free.</span></p><p></p><p>And this........</p><p></p><p><em><span style="color: #ff00ff">Love that little girl that you were.</span></em></p><p></p><p> Cedar, when you write like this, I worry for you, but I do see that we have to go through what we have to go through to <em>heal from all of this</em>.</p><p></p><p> I am thinking of you and praying for you to come through this time, to love yourself, the little child, the young woman, the mother, the new grandmother. What has happened to you is wrong. </p><p>Just think Cedar, THINK. </p><p></p><p>Keep posting, we are following along and holding your hand. </p><p> Breathe Cedar, you will come through this....over the rainbow....</p><p></p><p>[MEDIA=youtube]w_DKWlrA24k[/MEDIA]</p><p></p><p>hugs and love</p><p></p><p></p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 676090, member: 19522"] I am sorry for coming in later to this discussion, I needed time to sift through all of this material. I read and reread, and am blown away by the work[I], [/I]and, well it takes awhile for me to process..... Please forgive me, for as I have said before, what you all have experienced is [I]way more than I[/I]. I am truly sorry for the pain of it, the intensity and levels of hurt. So, in effect, are you saying that loving our children as babes, [I]woke us up with the sleeping beauty kiss[/I], then, when they turned to drugs, it was a reawakening of our childhood traumas? Not only because of what our children[I] became [/I]through drugs, but also, the intense emotional trauma, we went (are going) through? It linked together, with our childhood trauma? The memories came out of the closet......pulled out by the horror of what our d c's exhibited......Cedar, forgive my naïveté, but the things you have written, the degree of abuse you suffered as a child and beyond....was some of that so thoroughly buried within.....then came boiling up to the surface? It is the memories, or the feelings attached to those, or both......or this continued imagery of what wasn't.... I am asking because most of my [I]bad [/I]memories are of my sis....My folks didn't really intervene, [I]now that[/I], I do not understand...... I cannot [I]fathom[/I] the degree, that you, Copa and Serenity have suffered. I am sorry. It is awful. I will be your witness,[I] I am horrified at the depth of your despair.[/I] I am sorry for this loneliness. I am thinking of this, you wrote to me...... I am glad you have this. From an interview I read.... Joel- "We are made in the image of Almighty God. [Yet we] go around not feeling good about ourselves with that weak-worm-of-the-dust mentality. So many people even talk about themselves: “You know what? I’m unattractive, my mind’s so slow, and I can’t do this.” And you know what I tell them? “God didn’t make a mistake when He made you. You need to see yourself as God sees you.” I like this very much, it is true Cedar. Yes, movement is good. It always helps me,[I] I have to get back into the routine[/I]. Can you explain[I] staying [/I]with the emotional reality? Because it doesn't feel good, it feels like being "stuck" to me. I have been stuck for days......well, [I]weeks[/I]. UGH. I am sorry Cedar. This is so very uncomfortable, but when you come through, I think things will be much better. I am reading through all of this Cedar, and I am feeling wretched for you, because you are describing such....agony. When you do post, it helps, not only you, but others (like me), who are experiencing similar things. The battle is with the [I]image of what a mother should be, [/I]not your mother. It is not you, a thousand times not you. She was not a mother to you, not in the sense of loving, kind, caring. Biologically, yes, nurturing no. Mothers do not leave their children feeling as you are. I am really upset with her, Cedar, you are good and kind and so intelligent. You are retraumatizing yourself with all of this. It is about loving the little girl you were, and loving you now. Not about your mother, your sister, internal locust of control......... Yes..... No, this does not happen to everyone, it is not normal, this is straight out of "Mommy Dearest", it is horrible. Yes. Yes. I have found this to be true. I am reading along, Cedar, and I am perplexed, because, I do[I] feel a sense of-wait I wrote loyalty...... [/I]then thought about it. My sister is family. I named her Atilla, after all. That is not so loyal. So, then, I feel badly, because I do not want to be false, either. I do not want to be hurtful, [I]a backstabber[/I], you know? I do not want to put on "theatrics", but [I]will[/I] be polite, and how do you say it- even keeled? This is sort of the antithesis-to SWOTS topic, because her Dad wants the family to be "together", but it is [I]too late for that, there has been too much going on[/I]. I do not blame Serenity one bit, especially after what I have read. Mom wants the same, so I am willing to "bury the hatchet", but I also feel, in some ways, the extent that Serenity's sister went to, is way more than what I have fared? Yes, my sister has done some horrible things, is domineering and controlling, and somewhat conniving. Okay ewwww, writing all of that, just ewwww. Ahem..... Anyways, I am okay with walking softly, so to speak, so that I can try to give Mom the peace she wishes for? Geez, just the look on her face, "I just wish you all could get along"........ Then comes that whole betrayal of self, and integrity question......It is [I]definitely puzzling.[/I] Am I being nice and sacrificing, or am I playing the martyr role, will it eventually slap me upside the head? I do not know. I guess I will have to cross that bridge when I get to it? Would it be better to duke it out, put all the cards on the table...... Maybe all of this work, will help me be a little more prepared? (I hope so). It will be hard enough to lose Mom, but if it ends up with ugliness......I will be very upset, to say the least. It is a scary thought, I hear so much about family upheaval with the passing of the surviving parent.[I] SIGH. [/I] It is true, it hasn't stopped. I am low contact right now......with sis. Yes, I believe so Cedar, everything will be new. Free. But, I did teach my children to be careful, that some people can be cruel, I am sure you did the same. My children saw firsthand, the ravages of drugs, their grandfather on hubs side, was a user, they knew, and they still [I]went there.[/I] But forgiveness does not mean [I]forgetting. [/I]There is a lesson to be learned, a story to be told. Spiritual books are full of these lessons. These are your words to me Cedar, and I will write them here for you.... [COLOR=#0000ff]We were meant to be whole, and to heal......Whatever it is for you, that will be why you have sacrificed yourself to their interests. Whatever dream you hold about your family of origin, that is what you (and I do too) need to understand, to somehow come to terms with never having. If they could have given us what we needed, they would have. That is what I mean when I post that quote: What of him who has nothing? He will lose what he has. [/COLOR] [COLOR=rgb(0, 0, 255)] Because love was, first.[/COLOR] [COLOR=#0000ff] Then, came the hurt. We are meant to be whole. Love came first. Damaged, not defective. Love came first. And once we lose what we have, Leafy? We are free.[/COLOR] And this........ [I][COLOR=#ff00ff]Love that little girl that you were.[/COLOR][/I] Cedar, when you write like this, I worry for you, but I do see that we have to go through what we have to go through to [I]heal from all of this[/I]. I am thinking of you and praying for you to come through this time, to love yourself, the little child, the young woman, the mother, the new grandmother. What has happened to you is wrong. Just think Cedar, THINK. Keep posting, we are following along and holding your hand. Breathe Cedar, you will come through this....over the rainbow.... [MEDIA=youtube]w_DKWlrA24k[/MEDIA] hugs and love leafy [/QUOTE]
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