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Family of Origin
Surviving parent, whom I love, sad that his kids are estranged
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 676111" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>So we have a difference of opinion here. Two different hypotheses.</p><p></p><p>Copa has looked at the result, and she has assumed from that intent. I have argued that the perpetrator on some level whether conscious or not, has felt in the way that she makes her victim feel: small, powerless, without defenses, and without control. Cedar has divorced effect with intent. She argues that intent has no part of it. It is like an atom bomb in Hiroshima. That incinerates and melts bodies. The go through life destroying because that is their nature. Nothing personal. </p><p></p><p>I think I agree with both of us. Because if I am correct, the feelings of smallness are repressed. If they break through, they are covered with rage.</p><p>I do not know if I agree with this completely.</p><p></p><p>My sister, with M, when she looked his body up and down, I am certain there was intent to humiliate him. That is a power over look.</p><p></p><p>If I think about her decision to shun my mother and I , I agree, too. Like when my mother told her to never take control over her affairs again--when she put my mother in the hospital and threw away the key. My sister felt my mother was the perpetrator in that. That is how she is. If you set a limit, she tells you you killed her. And she is justified in killing you.</p><p></p><p>So she nursed her wounds for a number of months, shunning my mother. And then out of the blue sent a letter to my 85 years or so mother that she had cancer. That she had a 12 hour surgery. That my mother had caused the cancer. That my mother and I were toxic to her and that she wanted nothing to do with us ever. She would not talk to us or ever see us because we caused her cancer. Or something similar.</p><p></p><p>Why would she do that? Vicious cruelty. There was no need to. She was already shunning us.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Why turn up the heat? It had to be to manage her own feelings. There was no other reason. That is why I think there is more to it.</p><p>Yes.</p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>I have posted several times that my mother felt my sister was envious and jealous of me, felt I had the better life, and attributes.</p><p></p><p>I could never get it and still cannot. I have nothing of what my sister values. Except, possibly, myself.</p><p>I think it never entered her mind. She was indifferent to the effects on me. She never cared. She never factored them in.</p><p></p><p>Only one time that I think of. It was when she had just moved to the board and care. There is an outpatient surgery center near my house that has radiology and a lab. I took her for some procedure. She was disoriented and confused. I was beyond, way beyond my capacity to bear it. I was always calm and collected with my mother, never visibly reacting to anything she said or did.</p><p></p><p>I began screaming to her in the car: You are my mother. I cannot stand more. You are my mother. Other people in other cars heard me. She got it together.</p><p>Cedar, I always <em>felt there was intent on her part. </em>Actually, for my whole life, I think I believed that her self-indulgence with me was both an expression of her feelings, as well as an instrumental behavior. But for what, towards what aim?</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 676111, member: 18958"] So we have a difference of opinion here. Two different hypotheses. Copa has looked at the result, and she has assumed from that intent. I have argued that the perpetrator on some level whether conscious or not, has felt in the way that she makes her victim feel: small, powerless, without defenses, and without control. Cedar has divorced effect with intent. She argues that intent has no part of it. It is like an atom bomb in Hiroshima. That incinerates and melts bodies. The go through life destroying because that is their nature. Nothing personal. I think I agree with both of us. Because if I am correct, the feelings of smallness are repressed. If they break through, they are covered with rage. I do not know if I agree with this completely. My sister, with M, when she looked his body up and down, I am certain there was intent to humiliate him. That is a power over look. If I think about her decision to shun my mother and I , I agree, too. Like when my mother told her to never take control over her affairs again--when she put my mother in the hospital and threw away the key. My sister felt my mother was the perpetrator in that. That is how she is. If you set a limit, she tells you you killed her. And she is justified in killing you. So she nursed her wounds for a number of months, shunning my mother. And then out of the blue sent a letter to my 85 years or so mother that she had cancer. That she had a 12 hour surgery. That my mother had caused the cancer. That my mother and I were toxic to her and that she wanted nothing to do with us ever. She would not talk to us or ever see us because we caused her cancer. Or something similar. Why would she do that? Vicious cruelty. There was no need to. She was already shunning us. Why turn up the heat? It had to be to manage her own feelings. There was no other reason. That is why I think there is more to it. Yes. Yes. I have posted several times that my mother felt my sister was envious and jealous of me, felt I had the better life, and attributes. I could never get it and still cannot. I have nothing of what my sister values. Except, possibly, myself. I think it never entered her mind. She was indifferent to the effects on me. She never cared. She never factored them in. Only one time that I think of. It was when she had just moved to the board and care. There is an outpatient surgery center near my house that has radiology and a lab. I took her for some procedure. She was disoriented and confused. I was beyond, way beyond my capacity to bear it. I was always calm and collected with my mother, never visibly reacting to anything she said or did. I began screaming to her in the car: You are my mother. I cannot stand more. You are my mother. Other people in other cars heard me. She got it together. Cedar, I always [I]felt there was intent on her part. [/I]Actually, for my whole life, I think I believed that her self-indulgence with me was both an expression of her feelings, as well as an instrumental behavior. But for what, towards what aim? COPA [/QUOTE]
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Surviving parent, whom I love, sad that his kids are estranged
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