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Surviving parent, whom I love, sad that his kids are estranged
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 676180" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I don't know, Copa.</p><p></p><p>It is like when I describe that feeling of magnified intensity of watching my reactions in my mother. What was she watching <em>for?</em> As I've explored things in depth here, I find myself confronted with the really most disgusting imagery. The whore, washing her feet in the sun was one. I can still feel the sun. I can see the whore's expression. <em>But how in the world could such imagery connect to my own mother and a trip to WalMart, for heaven's sake?!?</em></p><p></p><p>But it did and we worked through it here.</p><p></p><p>Remember the dream of the hair. The mother, taking my own hair out of a drawer in a beautifully sun-filled room and giving it to me, as though she had saved it for me. And we thought the dream was so nice, but it had a feeling of foreboding attached to it and I could not stop thinking about it. And sure enough, it connected to the WalMart experience, and to how my mother has always done what she's done. Which involves something cheapening, something automaton having to do with internal, versus external, locus of control.</p><p></p><p>Had I been on my own with it, I think I would not have ever tracked those feelings down or made sense of what it feels like to interact with either my mom or my sister. Probably, I would have stayed firmly in denial and kept believing in that family dinner and everything it represented for me. I felt really nice and clean when I thought that is who I was. </p><p></p><p>But to believe in that dinner made me so easily victimized, Copa. And I was victimized, and I have told and told those stories, here. But even with everything we've written and worked through, I still cannot get the win in what they do. I cannot get the smallest little piece of why they choose those behaviors in relationship to me. It means they do not love me. Of coure this is true. But then why have anything to do with me at all? </p><p></p><p>I don't know.</p><p></p><p>That is why we were always trying harder, Copa. We can't figure out how the luncheon went so wrong, or the invitation to the beach, or the family dinner when the sister had her children wave flags and sing patriotic songs until everyone was ready to throw up or fall asleep and didn't really care which they did first, as long as they never had to watch a kid waving a flag and marching around a tableful of glaze-eyed adults ever again.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You know Copa, I never once looked at it like that. </p><p></p><p>D H sees things the way you do. He never budges, Copa. He says: "Your mother is the spider at the center of the web, Cedar." Whatever the incident is that I bring up, that is what D H says. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I will think about this in relation to my sister, Copa. The person my sister (and my mom) blame for my ~ whatever it is, they blame D H. </p><p></p><p>I wonder whether it is the same dynamic your sister employed in that once over she gave M.</p><p></p><p>I think it may be. In fact, I am sure of it. </p><p></p><p>It is an interesting thing that each of the husbands, and all of the children <em>unless there is some public gain to be had in interacting with them</em> are treated with some version of that look your sister gave M.</p><p></p><p>And I think these kinds of things do not happen in very healthy families. That underlying current of hostility which feels almost like that watchfulness I was posting about where the feel of my mother is concerned.</p><p></p><p>I think it might all be the same thing, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Variations on a theme.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Not only that. If she put the Mother into a home, having carefully laid the groundwork among all her personal and professional peers for how hard she had worked for the mother (probably, with no help from the heartless absent sister) and how frustrating it was and how much she hated to do such a thing but had no choice. And then, you came home. And refused to have the mother placed there where the sister insisted she must go. <em>What is the sister going to say about the changed situation to the friends she has so carefully groomed to believe she is who she says she is?</em> </p><p></p><p>The only way to do it would be to paint you as ~ well, as she did, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Maybe, that is why the luncheon with the new husband had to play out the way that it did. And maybe, that is why the new husband's attitude toward you changed, once he had come to know you <em>and his new wife.</em></p><p></p><p>Maybe this could be why all those troubling things happen whenever the sister is involved. If you did not love her the way you do Copa, she would not be able to hurt you as she has. I know you miss her. I miss my sister, too.</p><p></p><p>This is all very confusing.</p><p></p><p>But you know, Copa. The evidence just keeps piling up. And all the pieces fit. And something is really, hurtfully the matter here...and I don't think it is us, after all.</p><p></p><p>But the thing is, there is no way to know. It is always true in life that we could have done better, that we could have tried harder or been kinder or given more...but those things are usually seen in retrospect. Even in retrospect, I don't know how to explain what happens with my sister. I accuse myself of jealousy or maybe, of showing off or other kinds of things that might account for the way things just never are real where my sister is concerned.</p><p></p><p>Or my mom.</p><p></p><p>Maybe it is me.</p><p></p><p>I am serious. It could be me. According to D H, who has witnessed many things, it is my mother. </p><p></p><p>I am easily confused about these issues. </p><p></p><p>It does not seem right to think about my mother and my sister as I do. </p><p></p><p>But my sister did hurt my daughter.</p><p></p><p>And that is one thing I know for sure.</p><p></p><p>Knowing that, I am certain the other things are true as well.</p><p></p><p>Good.</p><p></p><p>Clear, again.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Do you feel the sister has made an effort to understand you, Copa?</p><p></p><p>I would say an effort was made to make it look like she was trying but that you were impossible...just as she will already have told everyone.</p><p></p><p>In a way, it is like Serenity's sister, and mine, hitting up the cousins once we are shunned. Painting themselves as better than they are by painting us as ~ well, as whatever they need us to be and believe they can get away with. It happens too consistently Copa, to have been accidental.</p><p></p><p>But how do they manage to accomplish it, I wonder.</p><p></p><p>So, there we are, back to "Maybe, it's me."</p><p></p><p>We will never know. Not for sure.</p><p></p><p>Except for what my sister did to my daughter.</p><p></p><p>Do you have such an instance? Some undeniable thing that is true, and that can help you remember that the other terrible things that seem to be true most probably are true?</p><p></p><p>I think that will help us not to be vulnerable to them, in future.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 676180, member: 17461"] I don't know, Copa. It is like when I describe that feeling of magnified intensity of watching my reactions in my mother. What was she watching [I]for?[/I] As I've explored things in depth here, I find myself confronted with the really most disgusting imagery. The whore, washing her feet in the sun was one. I can still feel the sun. I can see the whore's expression. [I]But how in the world could such imagery connect to my own mother and a trip to WalMart, for heaven's sake?!?[/I] But it did and we worked through it here. Remember the dream of the hair. The mother, taking my own hair out of a drawer in a beautifully sun-filled room and giving it to me, as though she had saved it for me. And we thought the dream was so nice, but it had a feeling of foreboding attached to it and I could not stop thinking about it. And sure enough, it connected to the WalMart experience, and to how my mother has always done what she's done. Which involves something cheapening, something automaton having to do with internal, versus external, locus of control. Had I been on my own with it, I think I would not have ever tracked those feelings down or made sense of what it feels like to interact with either my mom or my sister. Probably, I would have stayed firmly in denial and kept believing in that family dinner and everything it represented for me. I felt really nice and clean when I thought that is who I was. But to believe in that dinner made me so easily victimized, Copa. And I was victimized, and I have told and told those stories, here. But even with everything we've written and worked through, I still cannot get the win in what they do. I cannot get the smallest little piece of why they choose those behaviors in relationship to me. It means they do not love me. Of coure this is true. But then why have anything to do with me at all? I don't know. That is why we were always trying harder, Copa. We can't figure out how the luncheon went so wrong, or the invitation to the beach, or the family dinner when the sister had her children wave flags and sing patriotic songs until everyone was ready to throw up or fall asleep and didn't really care which they did first, as long as they never had to watch a kid waving a flag and marching around a tableful of glaze-eyed adults ever again. You know Copa, I never once looked at it like that. D H sees things the way you do. He never budges, Copa. He says: "Your mother is the spider at the center of the web, Cedar." Whatever the incident is that I bring up, that is what D H says. I will think about this in relation to my sister, Copa. The person my sister (and my mom) blame for my ~ whatever it is, they blame D H. I wonder whether it is the same dynamic your sister employed in that once over she gave M. I think it may be. In fact, I am sure of it. It is an interesting thing that each of the husbands, and all of the children [I]unless there is some public gain to be had in interacting with them[/I] are treated with some version of that look your sister gave M. And I think these kinds of things do not happen in very healthy families. That underlying current of hostility which feels almost like that watchfulness I was posting about where the feel of my mother is concerned. I think it might all be the same thing, Copa. Variations on a theme. Not only that. If she put the Mother into a home, having carefully laid the groundwork among all her personal and professional peers for how hard she had worked for the mother (probably, with no help from the heartless absent sister) and how frustrating it was and how much she hated to do such a thing but had no choice. And then, you came home. And refused to have the mother placed there where the sister insisted she must go. [I]What is the sister going to say about the changed situation to the friends she has so carefully groomed to believe she is who she says she is?[/I] The only way to do it would be to paint you as ~ well, as she did, Copa. Maybe, that is why the luncheon with the new husband had to play out the way that it did. And maybe, that is why the new husband's attitude toward you changed, once he had come to know you [I]and his new wife.[/I] Maybe this could be why all those troubling things happen whenever the sister is involved. If you did not love her the way you do Copa, she would not be able to hurt you as she has. I know you miss her. I miss my sister, too. This is all very confusing. But you know, Copa. The evidence just keeps piling up. And all the pieces fit. And something is really, hurtfully the matter here...and I don't think it is us, after all. But the thing is, there is no way to know. It is always true in life that we could have done better, that we could have tried harder or been kinder or given more...but those things are usually seen in retrospect. Even in retrospect, I don't know how to explain what happens with my sister. I accuse myself of jealousy or maybe, of showing off or other kinds of things that might account for the way things just never are real where my sister is concerned. Or my mom. Maybe it is me. I am serious. It could be me. According to D H, who has witnessed many things, it is my mother. I am easily confused about these issues. It does not seem right to think about my mother and my sister as I do. But my sister did hurt my daughter. And that is one thing I know for sure. Knowing that, I am certain the other things are true as well. Good. Clear, again. Do you feel the sister has made an effort to understand you, Copa? I would say an effort was made to make it look like she was trying but that you were impossible...just as she will already have told everyone. In a way, it is like Serenity's sister, and mine, hitting up the cousins once we are shunned. Painting themselves as better than they are by painting us as ~ well, as whatever they need us to be and believe they can get away with. It happens too consistently Copa, to have been accidental. But how do they manage to accomplish it, I wonder. So, there we are, back to "Maybe, it's me." We will never know. Not for sure. Except for what my sister did to my daughter. Do you have such an instance? Some undeniable thing that is true, and that can help you remember that the other terrible things that seem to be true most probably are true? I think that will help us not to be vulnerable to them, in future. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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