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<blockquote data-quote="ScentofCedar" data-source="post: 102705" data-attributes="member: 3353"><p>Stands, I don't mean to sound like I know everything, or like I did everything right, because that is very far from true. But if this were my son, I would try to view this as an opportunity for me to change some of the basic rules of the game.</p><p></p><p>However you are able to contact your son, do so. Tell him (to his face, if you have the strength to do it) the truth.</p><p></p><p>That your heart is heavy (true!) and that you have been doing so much thinking about how this all came to be. Tell him that you now understand the best way to help him change his life into something he will be proud of is to allow him to face up to the consequences his choices have brought him.</p><p></p><p>Tell him you will miss his presence at Christmas, and that you resent the pain he has brought into all of your lives so he could use drugs.</p><p></p><p>Then, tell him another true thing.</p><p></p><p>That you have missed him for a very long time.</p><p></p><p>Years.</p><p></p><p>Tell him he was raised better than this ~ that he was raised better than to do this to his own mother.</p><p></p><p>Don't elaborate.</p><p></p><p>I always get into trouble when I elaborate! :bag:</p><p></p><p>Keep it simple.</p><p></p><p>Write the phrases down on index cards and keep them in your purse if you have to.</p><p></p><p>I did. </p><p></p><p>Keep something near the phone so that when he calls unexpectedly, you will remember how you choose to respond to him NOW.</p><p></p><p>I needed to do that, too.</p><p></p><p>But I did find the strength to change the underpinnings of the game. </p><p></p><p>We did not hear from our son for a very long time, after I was able to do that consistently.</p><p></p><p>I missed him and was generally miserable about that, too ~ but I was able to think how I could use this loneliness to make me stronger, too.</p><p></p><p>The objective is to enable your son to reclaim his life.</p><p></p><p>Whatever it takes, he is the one who will have to do it.</p><p></p><p>I think that when we make it very clear to our sons that we are no longer the easily manipulated soft touch, it helps them to understand that the world is a tougher, saner place than they thought.</p><p></p><p>And that makes the child stronger.</p><p></p><p>If you can use that kind of thinking as a motivating force, I think you will find that you have the strength to do what has to be done at this point, Stands.</p><p></p><p>All the lovingkindness in the world would not help my son change. But you know? He did not have a clue how to respond to a mother who had found her good, safe ground and begun to stand up.</p><p></p><p>There was a message from difficult child the other day. He has been doing (marginally) better lately (it seems ~ but....)</p><p></p><p>Anyway.</p><p></p><p>Know how he identified himself?</p><p></p><p>As "It's the good son."</p><p></p><p>We only have one son, Stands.</p><p></p><p>difficult children get it.</p><p></p><p>In a way, it's your responsibility as his mom to respond with clear-eyed toughness now.</p><p></p><p>It isn't so hard once you steel yourself to face their shock and disappointment without flinching (where they can see you, anyway). :smile:</p><p></p><p>And Stands?</p><p></p><p>Nothing, nothing else, has worked.</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="ScentofCedar, post: 102705, member: 3353"] Stands, I don't mean to sound like I know everything, or like I did everything right, because that is very far from true. But if this were my son, I would try to view this as an opportunity for me to change some of the basic rules of the game. However you are able to contact your son, do so. Tell him (to his face, if you have the strength to do it) the truth. That your heart is heavy (true!) and that you have been doing so much thinking about how this all came to be. Tell him that you now understand the best way to help him change his life into something he will be proud of is to allow him to face up to the consequences his choices have brought him. Tell him you will miss his presence at Christmas, and that you resent the pain he has brought into all of your lives so he could use drugs. Then, tell him another true thing. That you have missed him for a very long time. Years. Tell him he was raised better than this ~ that he was raised better than to do this to his own mother. Don't elaborate. I always get into trouble when I elaborate! [img]:bag:[/img] Keep it simple. Write the phrases down on index cards and keep them in your purse if you have to. I did. Keep something near the phone so that when he calls unexpectedly, you will remember how you choose to respond to him NOW. I needed to do that, too. But I did find the strength to change the underpinnings of the game. We did not hear from our son for a very long time, after I was able to do that consistently. I missed him and was generally miserable about that, too ~ but I was able to think how I could use this loneliness to make me stronger, too. The objective is to enable your son to reclaim his life. Whatever it takes, he is the one who will have to do it. I think that when we make it very clear to our sons that we are no longer the easily manipulated soft touch, it helps them to understand that the world is a tougher, saner place than they thought. And that makes the child stronger. If you can use that kind of thinking as a motivating force, I think you will find that you have the strength to do what has to be done at this point, Stands. All the lovingkindness in the world would not help my son change. But you know? He did not have a clue how to respond to a mother who had found her good, safe ground and begun to stand up. There was a message from difficult child the other day. He has been doing (marginally) better lately (it seems ~ but....) Anyway. Know how he identified himself? As "It's the good son." We only have one son, Stands. difficult children get it. In a way, it's your responsibility as his mom to respond with clear-eyed toughness now. It isn't so hard once you steel yourself to face their shock and disappointment without flinching (where they can see you, anyway). [img]:smile:[/img] And Stands? Nothing, nothing else, has worked. Barbara [/QUOTE]
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