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Talk about guilt--will this family ever heal?
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<blockquote data-quote="Lil" data-source="post: 654434" data-attributes="member: 17309"><p>Terry, I've been reading and re-reading these posts and I'm quite worried about you. I know they seem harsh. It hurts to have someone tell you your child is on his way to being a criminal or that he's doing drugs or that you should kick him out. It's offensive and hurtful and terrible to read those words. I know this because I joined this board Nov 25, 2013, and I think I kinda <em>was</em> you then. </p><p> </p><p>Some quotes from my first post: </p><p> </p><p></p><p> </p><p></p><p> </p><p></p><p> </p><p></p><p> </p><p>Terry, we tried everything we could think of. We gave second chances. We were lenient. We were hard. We put him in therapy. We gave him money. We cut off money. We took the car. We gave the car. We told him what to do and when to do it. What did it help? NOTHING! We'd say no more money, then give him some thinking it was "our choice". Well as soon as that happened of course he immediately jumped back to asking, then begging, then fighting. We take the car, but then give it back...with limits. He wouldn't actually follow them, just lie to us. Finally we'd tell him, "Do this and we're done!" But we weren't done. </p><p> </p><p>Everyone here told me the same things they are telling you now. They were, largely, right.</p><p> </p><p>I wanted to "fix" him. I wanted him to be successful in life. I wanted him to be normal and deal with life like a typical person. I wanted my life and his life to be what I always thought it should be. But, in the end we still had to put him out. Because after all we did and all we tried and no matter how much we wanted him to be different and we wanted him to be responsible and we wanted him to grow up, nothing changed. We were still supplying all his needs and even some of his wants and he stole from us again! Even after putting him out, we still did some things, gave him rides, took him food. </p><p> </p><p>At least my marriage hasn't suffered toooo much - but my husband honestly has the patience of a saint where I'm concerned. Still, I know that I'm not exactly easy to live with anymore. I can be snappy and difficult and so weepy. He deserves better because I can't say he wasn't right when he gave up ages before I did and wanted to put him out. I couldn't though. I couldn't handle it. </p><p> </p><p>But Terry, even in typical families eventually your child leaves. If you damage or lose your marriage what is left for you when that happens? You HAVE to take care of yourself and your husband. </p><p> </p><p>I think as hard as it is for everyone here, it's harder still for moms like you and me, who have one, young, son. Because 18 is young! It's a baby! Except it's not. He can vote Terry. He can join the army. He can enter into a contract. He can go to prison. He can get someone pregnant. 18 is young, but it's an adult. </p><p> </p><p>If he was not your son, would you allow him to talk to you the way he does? If he were your husband, would you stay with someone who treated you the way your son does? (I told mine once, that if his dad treated me the way he did I'd divorce him! He was lucky he was my kid instead.) </p><p> </p><p>This is so very, very hard to get through Terry, but you can. You have to decide to treat him like an adult, set rules and follow them yourself. Is his having people over okay? Then he can. If not, he can't. Is his buying his own phone okay? No? Then he can't. What will the consequences be? Are they ones you can actually enforce? </p><p> </p><p>Is there a line in the sand? Ours was stealing. We got to the point where our son was given no money. He could come and go as he pleased. No curfew. The only rule was he put his own gas in the car and the car was not to be taken overnight without our permission. And he was to have no one over without prior permission. With all that liberty, he stole from us. Because he didn't WANT to be a decent, contributing member of the household.</p><p> </p><p>I think you need to find your line Terry. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/group-hug.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":group-hug:" title="group hug :group-hug:" data-shortname=":group-hug:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Lil, post: 654434, member: 17309"] Terry, I've been reading and re-reading these posts and I'm quite worried about you. I know they seem harsh. It hurts to have someone tell you your child is on his way to being a criminal or that he's doing drugs or that you should kick him out. It's offensive and hurtful and terrible to read those words. I know this because I joined this board Nov 25, 2013, and I think I kinda [I]was[/I] you then. Some quotes from my first post: Terry, we tried everything we could think of. We gave second chances. We were lenient. We were hard. We put him in therapy. We gave him money. We cut off money. We took the car. We gave the car. We told him what to do and when to do it. What did it help? NOTHING! We'd say no more money, then give him some thinking it was "our choice". Well as soon as that happened of course he immediately jumped back to asking, then begging, then fighting. We take the car, but then give it back...with limits. He wouldn't actually follow them, just lie to us. Finally we'd tell him, "Do this and we're done!" But we weren't done. Everyone here told me the same things they are telling you now. They were, largely, right. I wanted to "fix" him. I wanted him to be successful in life. I wanted him to be normal and deal with life like a typical person. I wanted my life and his life to be what I always thought it should be. But, in the end we still had to put him out. Because after all we did and all we tried and no matter how much we wanted him to be different and we wanted him to be responsible and we wanted him to grow up, nothing changed. We were still supplying all his needs and even some of his wants and he stole from us again! Even after putting him out, we still did some things, gave him rides, took him food. At least my marriage hasn't suffered toooo much - but my husband honestly has the patience of a saint where I'm concerned. Still, I know that I'm not exactly easy to live with anymore. I can be snappy and difficult and so weepy. He deserves better because I can't say he wasn't right when he gave up ages before I did and wanted to put him out. I couldn't though. I couldn't handle it. But Terry, even in typical families eventually your child leaves. If you damage or lose your marriage what is left for you when that happens? You HAVE to take care of yourself and your husband. I think as hard as it is for everyone here, it's harder still for moms like you and me, who have one, young, son. Because 18 is young! It's a baby! Except it's not. He can vote Terry. He can join the army. He can enter into a contract. He can go to prison. He can get someone pregnant. 18 is young, but it's an adult. If he was not your son, would you allow him to talk to you the way he does? If he were your husband, would you stay with someone who treated you the way your son does? (I told mine once, that if his dad treated me the way he did I'd divorce him! He was lucky he was my kid instead.) This is so very, very hard to get through Terry, but you can. You have to decide to treat him like an adult, set rules and follow them yourself. Is his having people over okay? Then he can. If not, he can't. Is his buying his own phone okay? No? Then he can't. What will the consequences be? Are they ones you can actually enforce? Is there a line in the sand? Ours was stealing. We got to the point where our son was given no money. He could come and go as he pleased. No curfew. The only rule was he put his own gas in the car and the car was not to be taken overnight without our permission. And he was to have no one over without prior permission. With all that liberty, he stole from us. Because he didn't WANT to be a decent, contributing member of the household. I think you need to find your line Terry. :group-hug: [/QUOTE]
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Talk about guilt--will this family ever heal?
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