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The Angry Phase?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 652218" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I'm sorry your heart hurts. I know so well how that feels.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, I think we all question ourselves over and over and over again because we want so bad to believe them even when we know better, the self doubt on this path is enormous. This is one of the reasons I always strongly suggest getting professional support. I don't know that I could have done it without that support, it is just too hard.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Those "shoulds" are a killer, however you might consider changing the should to "could." It feels more like a choice then. You <em>could </em>have gotten her into rehab, but if you read all our stories here, you will get that the only time an addict changes is when THEY are ready, not when you get them into rehab. You <em>could</em> have tried therapy again or inpatient mental health facility, but you likely know on some level, that without a commitment to change from your daughter, nothing is going to happen. <em>You</em> can work hard and then harder but it won't make any difference until SHE is ready to change.And if she is really ready to change, you will know it. She will not be calling for food.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You know what that is like. So do I. So do most of us here, and most of us here cannot live with our troubled kids. You shouldn't have to live like that. YOU are not making the poor choices, she is. She has to suffer the consequences, not you. She will only learn when she becomes aware of how all of this has impacted her life. Or not. She may not get that for a long time. Which is why it's up to you to change. She won't. You will likely need help to do it, the doubts, she shoulds, the guilts, they are very, very difficult to stop. For me, having a therapist continue to remind me of my choices, remind me of my power, remind me of what the appropriate path is......was invaluable and allowed me to learn and to heal and to grow so that I stopped enabling and stopped simply surviving and worrying and started thriving.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I believe if she is really in bad shape you will find out. Until then, you can worry yourself sick about something that may never happen, or you can learn to live in the uncertainty and chaos that is this life we Iive here........it is a harrowing path with a lot of uncertainty and we humans are not wired to do uncertainty well.......we want to control life, and control the people around us. But, we can't. And learning that we can't is a 'mother' of a lesson in life....perhaps the hardest thing you'll ever do.........it was certainly the hardest thing I've ever done. And, you are not pushing her away, she walked away on her own because of the choices she made. You are protecting yourself and your family. She made all the poor choices, you did not, you did not push her away. That is guilt talking. Guilt is part of this, but over time, you'll realize, it has no bearing on anything and will not serve you to feel it......as a humorist used to say, "guilt is the gift that keeps on giving." Let it go. You did ENOUGH already. ENOUGH. We often have no idea what enough is with our kids because they manipulate our emotions with their neediness. When drugs are involved, you are dealing with someone who is operating under a substance, it is not your little girl talking, it is an addict talking, willing to do whatever it takes to get what they need.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Every one of us here has felt like a horrible person. These are our children and we are forced to detach from them and allow them to learn (or not) from their behavior when they face the consequences. It goes against everything we know about parenting and love.......we want to help, support, nurture, love, guide........all of it........but we cannot.......these are abnormal ways of responding, and we have to learn how to do it. OR live the way you were living when your daughter was living with you. That is our choice.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It is sad. It is very, very sad. And we have to move through that too......all of those feelings are devastating for us parents. We have no control over our kids choices. But, we do have choices over how we deal with their choices, how we respond to those choices and even how we feel about their choices. And, it usually requires help to stay the course. As you can see, it is HARD.</p><p></p><p>Since your daughter has a number of mental health issues, I think you would find NAMI to be helpful. You can access them online and they have chapters in most towns and cities. They offer excellent resources for parents and informative courses for parents as well. You may also benefit from Narc Anon or Families anonymous. Many here find great comfort in these programs. I can't stress enough how much harder it is when you are without support. You will move though all of the heartache faster and easier if you put yourself in supportive environments.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there, you really are doing a good job. <em>AND, it's hard</em>. Questioning yourself as you've done tonight is a part of this path, you are going to have more of those moments, it is unavoidable. My only child is older then you are now and I had to go through exactly the same things you are going through. It isn't easier when your kids are older, it is the same, we are always parents, they are always our children......it is always hard. But, there is a path that works for us, it is detachment and acceptance. And it is a tough one, there are many lessons to learn, we have to change our thinking in many ways......and learn a new way of dealing with uncertainty and chaos and lack of control BUT, it can be done. YOU can do it. I did it. So can you.</p><p></p><p>Sending you a big hug for your hurting heart......I am truly so sorry you're going through this, I do know how much it hurts......</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 652218, member: 13542"] I'm sorry your heart hurts. I know so well how that feels. Yes, I think we all question ourselves over and over and over again because we want so bad to believe them even when we know better, the self doubt on this path is enormous. This is one of the reasons I always strongly suggest getting professional support. I don't know that I could have done it without that support, it is just too hard. Those "shoulds" are a killer, however you might consider changing the should to "could." It feels more like a choice then. You [I]could [/I]have gotten her into rehab, but if you read all our stories here, you will get that the only time an addict changes is when THEY are ready, not when you get them into rehab. You [I]could[/I] have tried therapy again or inpatient mental health facility, but you likely know on some level, that without a commitment to change from your daughter, nothing is going to happen. [I]You[/I] can work hard and then harder but it won't make any difference until SHE is ready to change.And if she is really ready to change, you will know it. She will not be calling for food. You know what that is like. So do I. So do most of us here, and most of us here cannot live with our troubled kids. You shouldn't have to live like that. YOU are not making the poor choices, she is. She has to suffer the consequences, not you. She will only learn when she becomes aware of how all of this has impacted her life. Or not. She may not get that for a long time. Which is why it's up to you to change. She won't. You will likely need help to do it, the doubts, she shoulds, the guilts, they are very, very difficult to stop. For me, having a therapist continue to remind me of my choices, remind me of my power, remind me of what the appropriate path is......was invaluable and allowed me to learn and to heal and to grow so that I stopped enabling and stopped simply surviving and worrying and started thriving. I believe if she is really in bad shape you will find out. Until then, you can worry yourself sick about something that may never happen, or you can learn to live in the uncertainty and chaos that is this life we Iive here........it is a harrowing path with a lot of uncertainty and we humans are not wired to do uncertainty well.......we want to control life, and control the people around us. But, we can't. And learning that we can't is a 'mother' of a lesson in life....perhaps the hardest thing you'll ever do.........it was certainly the hardest thing I've ever done. And, you are not pushing her away, she walked away on her own because of the choices she made. You are protecting yourself and your family. She made all the poor choices, you did not, you did not push her away. That is guilt talking. Guilt is part of this, but over time, you'll realize, it has no bearing on anything and will not serve you to feel it......as a humorist used to say, "guilt is the gift that keeps on giving." Let it go. You did ENOUGH already. ENOUGH. We often have no idea what enough is with our kids because they manipulate our emotions with their neediness. When drugs are involved, you are dealing with someone who is operating under a substance, it is not your little girl talking, it is an addict talking, willing to do whatever it takes to get what they need. Every one of us here has felt like a horrible person. These are our children and we are forced to detach from them and allow them to learn (or not) from their behavior when they face the consequences. It goes against everything we know about parenting and love.......we want to help, support, nurture, love, guide........all of it........but we cannot.......these are abnormal ways of responding, and we have to learn how to do it. OR live the way you were living when your daughter was living with you. That is our choice. It is sad. It is very, very sad. And we have to move through that too......all of those feelings are devastating for us parents. We have no control over our kids choices. But, we do have choices over how we deal with their choices, how we respond to those choices and even how we feel about their choices. And, it usually requires help to stay the course. As you can see, it is HARD. Since your daughter has a number of mental health issues, I think you would find NAMI to be helpful. You can access them online and they have chapters in most towns and cities. They offer excellent resources for parents and informative courses for parents as well. You may also benefit from Narc Anon or Families anonymous. Many here find great comfort in these programs. I can't stress enough how much harder it is when you are without support. You will move though all of the heartache faster and easier if you put yourself in supportive environments. Hang in there, you really are doing a good job. [I]AND, it's hard[/I]. Questioning yourself as you've done tonight is a part of this path, you are going to have more of those moments, it is unavoidable. My only child is older then you are now and I had to go through exactly the same things you are going through. It isn't easier when your kids are older, it is the same, we are always parents, they are always our children......it is always hard. But, there is a path that works for us, it is detachment and acceptance. And it is a tough one, there are many lessons to learn, we have to change our thinking in many ways......and learn a new way of dealing with uncertainty and chaos and lack of control BUT, it can be done. YOU can do it. I did it. So can you. Sending you a big hug for your hurting heart......I am truly so sorry you're going through this, I do know how much it hurts...... [/QUOTE]
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