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The Angry Phase?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 652227" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>This question is actually crucial. How you answer it in your secret heart matters very much. In this, I am sometimes at odds with the others on our site. I feel strongly that we cannot fully practice detachment parenting until we can know we have done everything we can possibly do for our children.</p><p></p><p>This is not a game.</p><p></p><p>Bad things can and do happen.</p><p></p><p>If a bad thing happens, you (and I) need to know, deep down in the roots of ourselves, that we have done our best to save our children.</p><p></p><p>Helping the kids turns out to be detaching from the emotions and performing actions that I have seen help other kids on this site.</p><p></p><p>That is how I learned to practice detachment parenting. I swear, if things go well with everyone for like, two minutes, I slip right back into the mom I wish I had been able to be.</p><p></p><p>But I cannot be that mom.</p><p></p><p>If I want to help my differently wired children toward independence, I have to be the kind of mom I am crafting of myself (with everyone's help) here on the site.</p><p></p><p>My children are older than your troubled child. We did have them home, separately and together and with their children and with all their dogs and cats and birds. And they did try, and they did stop using, and they did do well <em>but they went back to it.</em> Addiction is a cruel master. I believe now that unless you can see addiction for what it is and separate the love you feel for your child from the really rotten things that are going to happen because of the addiction, it will be very hard to parent appropriately <em>for an addicted child</em>.</p><p></p><p>The rules are different, when your child is addicted. I am not sure what the high feels like, but I have seen the puzzlement, the horrified acknowledgment, the pain and desperation in the eyes of a child who cannot escape the hell of his (or her ~ I have two, remember) addiction. </p><p></p><p>I am sorry this happened to your child.</p><p></p><p>There is research indicating there is a genetic component to addiction. Your daughter may not have done anything differently than all kids do. A little experimentation for the others turned into a trap, a steel strung trap, for her.</p><p></p><p>And for my kids, too.</p><p></p><p>There are no villains, here.</p><p></p><p>Our children are in trouble, and we have to figure out how best to parent them, now that the addiction has them, and how best to console and strengthen ourselves for the battle ahead.</p><p></p><p>My goodness, but I am chatty this morning.</p><p></p><p>You must have hit a chord. I learn so much about myself when I am posting for another mom.</p><p></p><p>Thank you.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Really, for me, until I could understand the unbalanced dynamic that had come to be between myself and my children because of addiction ~ through my enabling and their lying and justification ~ I could no more consider detachment parenting than I would consider throwing my tiny dog or cat onto the street and expecting them to make it.</p><p></p><p>I love cherishing and protecting and teaching my kids and my animals and my husband and myself. That is what it is to be human, and to be happy.</p><p></p><p>It wasn't until I could understand that the things that would soothe my worried mind and my terror about the future and the real, living, sickening horror of the imagery of what was happening to either child in the present ~ it wasn't until I could get it that what I was doing was not only not helping, but was making things worse, that I began to think about all of this differently.</p><p></p><p>Part of it, I think the first step, for me, had to do with the way my son talked to me. All at once, I could see the wrongness of it not as something he didn't mean, not as something that was happening out of his desperation to hide his dire straits from both me and himself, but as simple abuse.</p><p></p><p>That's when I began to see all this differently.</p><p></p><p>Another thing that helped me: MWM posts all the time about older children being cared for and abusing their even older parents.</p><p></p><p>Huh.</p><p></p><p>So that meant that loving them enough could never change the paths all our lives were following.</p><p></p><p>In fact, loving them enough could find me harboring both of them, me poor now too because they finally got hold of power of attorney and ran through my money for drugs <em>and all of us living by the messed up parameters of relationship that had evolved around denial and addiction.</em></p><p></p><p>So, once I got that, then I had to admit the truth of it.</p><p></p><p>And I had to change. For all our sakes, I had to change what was happening to all of us.</p><p></p><p>When I could see it that way, I could do it.</p><p></p><p>It gets to be about loving ourselves and one another enough to do the right thing, however bad it feels.</p><p></p><p>Once we can see what the right thing is.</p><p></p><p>And it is a good place to get to, because our daughter was beat and left for dead just over a year ago now. There was brain damage, there were children involved, there was ongoing addiction and homelessness.</p><p></p><p>And somehow, we made it through that.</p><p></p><p>You will have to be very strong to get yourself and your daughter through her addiction, too. You will have to be very wise to love her, and continue to love yourself, through everything that may be coming.</p><p></p><p>But here we all are, and our stories are all so terribly sad, but we are standing, and we have learned we are strong enough, after all.</p><p></p><p>I am so happy to know you have found us, and that you and your child will not be going through this alone.</p><p></p><p>It is a very hard thing, to learn how not to judge either them or ourselves.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>P.S. Well, for Heaven's sake. Looks like I finally ran out of things to say.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 652227, member: 17461"] This question is actually crucial. How you answer it in your secret heart matters very much. In this, I am sometimes at odds with the others on our site. I feel strongly that we cannot fully practice detachment parenting until we can know we have done everything we can possibly do for our children. This is not a game. Bad things can and do happen. If a bad thing happens, you (and I) need to know, deep down in the roots of ourselves, that we have done our best to save our children. Helping the kids turns out to be detaching from the emotions and performing actions that I have seen help other kids on this site. That is how I learned to practice detachment parenting. I swear, if things go well with everyone for like, two minutes, I slip right back into the mom I wish I had been able to be. But I cannot be that mom. If I want to help my differently wired children toward independence, I have to be the kind of mom I am crafting of myself (with everyone's help) here on the site. My children are older than your troubled child. We did have them home, separately and together and with their children and with all their dogs and cats and birds. And they did try, and they did stop using, and they did do well [I]but they went back to it.[/I] Addiction is a cruel master. I believe now that unless you can see addiction for what it is and separate the love you feel for your child from the really rotten things that are going to happen because of the addiction, it will be very hard to parent appropriately [I]for an addicted child[/I]. The rules are different, when your child is addicted. I am not sure what the high feels like, but I have seen the puzzlement, the horrified acknowledgment, the pain and desperation in the eyes of a child who cannot escape the hell of his (or her ~ I have two, remember) addiction. I am sorry this happened to your child. There is research indicating there is a genetic component to addiction. Your daughter may not have done anything differently than all kids do. A little experimentation for the others turned into a trap, a steel strung trap, for her. And for my kids, too. There are no villains, here. Our children are in trouble, and we have to figure out how best to parent them, now that the addiction has them, and how best to console and strengthen ourselves for the battle ahead. My goodness, but I am chatty this morning. You must have hit a chord. I learn so much about myself when I am posting for another mom. Thank you. *** Really, for me, until I could understand the unbalanced dynamic that had come to be between myself and my children because of addiction ~ through my enabling and their lying and justification ~ I could no more consider detachment parenting than I would consider throwing my tiny dog or cat onto the street and expecting them to make it. I love cherishing and protecting and teaching my kids and my animals and my husband and myself. That is what it is to be human, and to be happy. It wasn't until I could understand that the things that would soothe my worried mind and my terror about the future and the real, living, sickening horror of the imagery of what was happening to either child in the present ~ it wasn't until I could get it that what I was doing was not only not helping, but was making things worse, that I began to think about all of this differently. Part of it, I think the first step, for me, had to do with the way my son talked to me. All at once, I could see the wrongness of it not as something he didn't mean, not as something that was happening out of his desperation to hide his dire straits from both me and himself, but as simple abuse. That's when I began to see all this differently. Another thing that helped me: MWM posts all the time about older children being cared for and abusing their even older parents. Huh. So that meant that loving them enough could never change the paths all our lives were following. In fact, loving them enough could find me harboring both of them, me poor now too because they finally got hold of power of attorney and ran through my money for drugs [I]and all of us living by the messed up parameters of relationship that had evolved around denial and addiction.[/I] So, once I got that, then I had to admit the truth of it. And I had to change. For all our sakes, I had to change what was happening to all of us. When I could see it that way, I could do it. It gets to be about loving ourselves and one another enough to do the right thing, however bad it feels. Once we can see what the right thing is. And it is a good place to get to, because our daughter was beat and left for dead just over a year ago now. There was brain damage, there were children involved, there was ongoing addiction and homelessness. And somehow, we made it through that. You will have to be very strong to get yourself and your daughter through her addiction, too. You will have to be very wise to love her, and continue to love yourself, through everything that may be coming. But here we all are, and our stories are all so terribly sad, but we are standing, and we have learned we are strong enough, after all. I am so happy to know you have found us, and that you and your child will not be going through this alone. It is a very hard thing, to learn how not to judge either them or ourselves. Cedar P.S. Well, for Heaven's sake. Looks like I finally ran out of things to say. :O) [/QUOTE]
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