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Oh Elsi. I wish I had words of wisdom to help ease your heartache. The fact that you stayed in an abusive relationship so those children continued to have you speaks volumes as to what an amazing soul you are.  There are many that would have ran without looking back but you didn’t run.  I would bet all three (despite lifestyle choices) are grateful you stayed.  I am terrible in the advice department but I know others will be along to provide words that will help your hurting heart.