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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 738439" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi all and thanks so much for your thoughts. Oh boy CTM, isn’t this the truth. The problem too is, that my heart and brain goes into overdrive, and I end up having to talk myself down from the ledge. She doesn’t even have to be involved. Huh. I will guard my heart and try to stay away from the catastrophic thought process.</p><p></p><p> It is pointless. <em>Infinity</em> times that. <em>Sincerely asking for help</em>. Wouldn’t that be something?</p><p>Coming from her, it would be miraculous.</p><p></p><p>It is truly a blessing, Swot. Thank you!</p><p></p><p>I think so too, Albie. I do recall the many times I have tried to talk calmly with her and the flip switches to a rage. I would be like a deer in the headlights wondering how we got to that place. Don’t want to go there. </p><p>It is good to be with them. Hoku is helping as I am back to work. Their aunties took them school shopping and shower them with love. I hope that it stays with them, the love their family has.</p><p>I have not written the letter yet, but will. Confession, of course the phone rang today, before I read your response, and it was Tornado, I was finally successful at entering my card. She did not demand bail. I explained my issues with the phone system, and she said she thought I was hanging up on her. We were at sons race, and she wanted to speak with her kids, so that is where her focus was. Promising to buy them stuff when she gets out. They are so way beyond that. They don’t fall for that. They were flat, just listening to her. They have their shields up, and I don’t blame them.</p><p>You are right, Copa, it is not. About me.</p><p></p><p></p><p>This is very true and wise. </p><p>Yes, my mind does go there, as much as I try to stop myself from chewing the cud, wringing my hands, and sweating it out, I do. But, it is not the disaster it used to be, externally, <em>internally</em>, I have some work to do. My routine got disrupted, I was a bit thrown off kilter and just didn’t feel right. I think the timing was hard, with Mom being so ill and work starting up. Looking back, incidents always seem to manifest at the most difficult times, as if these adult kids of mine have a homing device, I must have a Batman type beacon that lights up their skies, signaling when my load is full, for them to add that one last straw. The challenge is, for it to become another Tuesday for me, the same way it is for them. </p><p>It is true, it is not about me. As much as they try to make it mine, it is their journey.</p><p></p><p>Thanks, Kalahou. That was my thought, keep it simple, but as you know in my writing here, I do have a propensity to go overboard. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite12" alt="o_O" title="Er... what? o_O" loading="lazy" data-shortname="o_O" /></p><p></p><p>Thank you so much for sharing this. I think it is a good idea to keep copies of whatever I send, so if it is twisted, <em>I have a record</em>. Isn’t that awful? To have to measure words, extract emotion, and recall what is sent. To have to be so utterly cautious. This is the reality of it.</p><p></p><p> It’s that box of chocolates. We never know what we are going to get. It is a daily effort for me as well, dear sister. I will be alright. I just have to be. My Tornado will have to walk this journey, and I will have to learn over and again, how to keep myself from the roller coaster of it. </p><p>The sting of those words “Who the f does that?”</p><p>“Me, I do, leave you to taste the consequences of your choices, so you will know for yourself, if this is the path you wish to continue on.” </p><p>I am going to try my best to stay away from the drama of it, return to steady state and live my life.</p><p>Thank you so much for being here and sharing your love and kindness.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 738439, member: 19522"] Hi all and thanks so much for your thoughts. Oh boy CTM, isn’t this the truth. The problem too is, that my heart and brain goes into overdrive, and I end up having to talk myself down from the ledge. She doesn’t even have to be involved. Huh. I will guard my heart and try to stay away from the catastrophic thought process. It is pointless. [I]Infinity[/I] times that. [I]Sincerely asking for help[/I]. Wouldn’t that be something? Coming from her, it would be miraculous. It is truly a blessing, Swot. Thank you! I think so too, Albie. I do recall the many times I have tried to talk calmly with her and the flip switches to a rage. I would be like a deer in the headlights wondering how we got to that place. Don’t want to go there. It is good to be with them. Hoku is helping as I am back to work. Their aunties took them school shopping and shower them with love. I hope that it stays with them, the love their family has. I have not written the letter yet, but will. Confession, of course the phone rang today, before I read your response, and it was Tornado, I was finally successful at entering my card. She did not demand bail. I explained my issues with the phone system, and she said she thought I was hanging up on her. We were at sons race, and she wanted to speak with her kids, so that is where her focus was. Promising to buy them stuff when she gets out. They are so way beyond that. They don’t fall for that. They were flat, just listening to her. They have their shields up, and I don’t blame them. You are right, Copa, it is not. About me. This is very true and wise. Yes, my mind does go there, as much as I try to stop myself from chewing the cud, wringing my hands, and sweating it out, I do. But, it is not the disaster it used to be, externally, [I]internally[/I], I have some work to do. My routine got disrupted, I was a bit thrown off kilter and just didn’t feel right. I think the timing was hard, with Mom being so ill and work starting up. Looking back, incidents always seem to manifest at the most difficult times, as if these adult kids of mine have a homing device, I must have a Batman type beacon that lights up their skies, signaling when my load is full, for them to add that one last straw. The challenge is, for it to become another Tuesday for me, the same way it is for them. It is true, it is not about me. As much as they try to make it mine, it is their journey. Thanks, Kalahou. That was my thought, keep it simple, but as you know in my writing here, I do have a propensity to go overboard. o_O Thank you so much for sharing this. I think it is a good idea to keep copies of whatever I send, so if it is twisted, [I]I have a record[/I]. Isn’t that awful? To have to measure words, extract emotion, and recall what is sent. To have to be so utterly cautious. This is the reality of it. It’s that box of chocolates. We never know what we are going to get. It is a daily effort for me as well, dear sister. I will be alright. I just have to be. My Tornado will have to walk this journey, and I will have to learn over and again, how to keep myself from the roller coaster of it. The sting of those words “Who the f does that?” “Me, I do, leave you to taste the consequences of your choices, so you will know for yourself, if this is the path you wish to continue on.” I am going to try my best to stay away from the drama of it, return to steady state and live my life. Thank you so much for being here and sharing your love and kindness. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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