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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 739964" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi New Leaf.</p><p></p><p>This is so hard. There is no good place to stand here. These are our children. </p><p></p><p>My son called tonight. Had not heard from him in a few weeks. He is living a few hours north of me, in a major metro, very, very expensive. I have no doubt he is homeless.</p><p></p><p>We had ejected him (with the law, required multiple times) from the property we own, where he would not pay rent, or stop squatting, and we would not let him come here (forcing himself in, etc.) I grew to fear him. </p><p></p><p>His only priority was his drug use and the consequence of that was his transgressing every appropriate boundary and indifference to living like a decent human being.</p><p></p><p>So. He called.</p><p></p><p><em>Is there any chance I can come back?</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Yes. Someday. Absolutely. Not now. It was not working. It does not work.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>And I left it at that. I did not spell it out. I did not blame. I did not criticize. I did not say what has to change or how. All of that, I left unsaid. The only appropriate thing anymore I can say, is no. </p><p></p><p>These are adults. I see, now, I have no right to give counsel. To solve problems. To establish or identify goals. Or to enforce them. Just, to say no.</p><p></p><p>It is up to them to make it right for them.</p><p></p><p>I brought up to M a bit later: I have bitterness towards him. I don't know if I can put it behind me. And he has to learn again how to be human. (M had said, what he must learn is that he is responsible to house himself, to eat, first, before his drugs.) To me, that is not enough.</p><p></p><p>So M answered: <em>Forget about the past. Let it go. But let him learn what happens, what is the consequence of his decisions on how to live. And let him learn to change his decisions. This has nothing to do with you. Of course he calls you. Where else does he have to go? It may mean that all doors have to shut to him. And he may come here, but you don't have to admit him. He is responsible. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p>New Leaf. It could be a pivot for Rain. Or not. I understand the awakenings of hope, and her acceptance of your love. For now, I would try really, really hard to be grateful for that, for just those precious moments, and to let it go, let her go. </p><p></p><p>When I begin to get invested in what could or could not happen I put myself in my son's story, and become a character with intention and desire in his story...over which I have no control. And this ends up messy. This forum is full of the mess I make, splattered all over threads, that comes from me inserting myself into my son's story. </p><p></p><p>They do not help things, because over and over again, their default is to try to get us to insert ourselves in their stories. As habitual ways to avoid responsibility, or to seek love or comfort or security. Or to just bring on chaos....IT NEVER WORKS. When we enter into their stories. </p><p></p><p>I do not know how this works out for either one of us, because I believe in each of our lives, we will have relationships with our children. I just don't know how or when.</p><p></p><p>But I share your view that this was not the time. And these were not the circumstances. You done good!! </p><p></p><p>But how could this feel good? There is so much want. So much yearning. So much fear.</p><p></p><p>The only way for us to do this is to think about this as a conversation. And you said it in a way that I hear, and I feel. There was an opening. And that is good. But now there is a pause. And we wait.</p><p></p><p>I am happy for you, New Leaf.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 739964, member: 18958"] Hi New Leaf. This is so hard. There is no good place to stand here. These are our children. My son called tonight. Had not heard from him in a few weeks. He is living a few hours north of me, in a major metro, very, very expensive. I have no doubt he is homeless. We had ejected him (with the law, required multiple times) from the property we own, where he would not pay rent, or stop squatting, and we would not let him come here (forcing himself in, etc.) I grew to fear him. His only priority was his drug use and the consequence of that was his transgressing every appropriate boundary and indifference to living like a decent human being. So. He called. [I]Is there any chance I can come back? Yes. Someday. Absolutely. Not now. It was not working. It does not work. [/I] And I left it at that. I did not spell it out. I did not blame. I did not criticize. I did not say what has to change or how. All of that, I left unsaid. The only appropriate thing anymore I can say, is no. These are adults. I see, now, I have no right to give counsel. To solve problems. To establish or identify goals. Or to enforce them. Just, to say no. It is up to them to make it right for them. I brought up to M a bit later: I have bitterness towards him. I don't know if I can put it behind me. And he has to learn again how to be human. (M had said, what he must learn is that he is responsible to house himself, to eat, first, before his drugs.) To me, that is not enough. So M answered: [I]Forget about the past. Let it go. But let him learn what happens, what is the consequence of his decisions on how to live. And let him learn to change his decisions. This has nothing to do with you. Of course he calls you. Where else does he have to go? It may mean that all doors have to shut to him. And he may come here, but you don't have to admit him. He is responsible. [/I] New Leaf. It could be a pivot for Rain. Or not. I understand the awakenings of hope, and her acceptance of your love. For now, I would try really, really hard to be grateful for that, for just those precious moments, and to let it go, let her go. When I begin to get invested in what could or could not happen I put myself in my son's story, and become a character with intention and desire in his story...over which I have no control. And this ends up messy. This forum is full of the mess I make, splattered all over threads, that comes from me inserting myself into my son's story. They do not help things, because over and over again, their default is to try to get us to insert ourselves in their stories. As habitual ways to avoid responsibility, or to seek love or comfort or security. Or to just bring on chaos....IT NEVER WORKS. When we enter into their stories. I do not know how this works out for either one of us, because I believe in each of our lives, we will have relationships with our children. I just don't know how or when. But I share your view that this was not the time. And these were not the circumstances. You done good!! But how could this feel good? There is so much want. So much yearning. So much fear. The only way for us to do this is to think about this as a conversation. And you said it in a way that I hear, and I feel. There was an opening. And that is good. But now there is a pause. And we wait. I am happy for you, New Leaf. [/QUOTE]
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