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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 739988" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Copa.</p><p> Yes, it is hard. They are our children, but, they are also adults. Rain will be 39 next week.<em> 39.</em></p><p> The same for my two. And I cannot allow myself to forget that, or their propensity to regress even further in my home, the chaos of it oozing off the walls like Dalis clocks. It turns my stomach, the memories. I cannot, and will not go back to that.</p><p> Good for you Copa. Hard, but good.</p><p> My two have told me through words and action that they are adults and will do as they please. So, do as you please, but not in my home. It is not a pit stop, a motel. I have found when it comes to my two, that the less I say, the better. I don't need to have my words twisted, or argue with anyone.</p><p> My bitterness is towards consequences that we got dragged into by their living here, it didn’t phase them. The feeling of entitlement and blame, all at the same time. It didn’t work. They didn’t mind living off of us, disrespecting our home and everything we worked hard for. What a mess. The bitter taste left in my mouth reminds me that I don't want to sample that again.</p><p>They are responsible. They have the wherewithal to make a life for themselves. <em>It is a choice. They have to understand this. </em>They have to take responsibility for the choices they have made while they have been in our homes. They have to know that their attitude and behaviors in our homes are unacceptable.</p><p> I am grateful for the connection and do hope that she comes round the corner. I am not a therapist or rehab. I have enough reminders from past attempts to try all over again to fix things for both of them by opening my door. That did not work for either of us.</p><p> This is unfortunately true. It becomes an unhealthy pattern.</p><p> Thank you Copa, and I am happy for you. Although this is a difficult lesson, I think that it has forced us to shift focus and look <em>inward ourselves</em>. We cannot gauge our lives on the choices and actions of others, even our beloveds. Perhaps as we transition through this, it will help them to see that they are capable. As we place value on our own lives, irrespective and beyond what their choices and consequences are, maybe they will see the value of their own. If we rise above the degradation, just maybe they will. Our rising above and grabbing our lives back cannot be dependent on what they choose.</p><p> I had that monster feeling for a <em>nano second. </em>I swallowed it down. We are not monsters when we show our adult children that they are capable to make better choices and that they can make a better life for themselves. We take a stand for ourselves, <em>and for them. </em></p><p> I hope so for all of our wayward children, that they can begin to see that there are other ways to live, that one does not have to compromise oneself for a fleeting happiness induced by chemicals. That they have been duped by that fantasy and are chasing a dragon that brings more misery than it is worth. I think that a connection is important, but not one that affords them a continuance and ease of using. We have to take a stand at some point, however painful, so that they see the difference.</p><p> Maybe, just maybe it is like looking in the mirror. Rain has in the past, made irrational decisions, distanced herself from family. Pointed fingers and placed blame to excuse her using. Denied using. She herself said that it is about choosing, Tornados choice. So, in that, maybe she is having to look at her own choices. That will have to come from her.</p><p> It is painful to hope at times. It is taking a chance at having the bubble burst. I think that there is a way to practice acceptance, but still hold out hope..... and the foundation for this is faith, patience and balance. How can I pray and ask in faith, yet doubt at the same time? God works in mysterious ways, and not always in our timeframe. This is where bolstering ourselves is so important, to be able to live our lives with peace and joy, even though our adult kids are out there dealing with their challenges.</p><p> I think so too, Tanya. These park closings do not leave much room for Rain to go. As people struggle for places to set up tents, I would imagine there is conflict, as resources are thin. I have heard that homeless can be a tight knit community, but in talking with her, relationships have been strained. I believe that she has replaced family for her "connections", those connections are not as solid as she thought, especially with her own sister.</p><p>I think this is true as well. It was kind of her.</p><p> I am trying to stay off the roller coaster. Just praying for steady state, and that Rain find her way. I am quite cognizant that it could all change in an instant, that is the reality of it. I have experienced that enough, the extreme highs and lows. For both her, and I. I don't need that kind of stress. So, I will try my best to relish in the moment, continue to hope and pray, but not go overboard.</p><p>I was thinking this morning that the usual feeling I get when seeing her was not there. I do not know if that is a shift on my part, or hers.</p><p>What that feeling was, in past encounters, was an awkwardness, a hesitation, a sort of rift, a divide and disconnect. A waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't know if that feeling shifting, comes from acceptance or my resolve that I am not the one to "help" her.</p><p>Only time will tell where all of this goes, and I do hope she finds herself. My finding my potential is not tied to her outcome. Anymore. That is not being unloving, selfish or unkind. It is being real.</p><p> Thank you Lil. I do hope that she is at a crossroads. It is completely up to her what path she takes. She has always turned away any kind of real help, saying it is a sign of weakness. What I take that to mean is in the eyes of her peers, weak people go to the doctor when they are ill, weak people go to shelters and rehab. It has been a hard, hard lifestyle to live. Hopefully, she will realize this, and seek help. I know it cannot come from me, that just sets us both up for the cycle to continue.</p><p> I hope so TL. Only time will tell what her next move will be.</p><p></p><p> Thank you RN. It was a standing still in time. I hope that she will take to heart her value and worth and start to make healthier choices.</p><p></p><p>I agree with RN Copa, you have bent over backwards to try and help your son.</p><p> In this day and age especially in Hawaii with rents so astronomically high, many families double up. I see this as a plus, if all are contributing to the cause. The problem with my two is that it became a big vacation for them.</p><p>Not so much for us.</p><p>Thank you all for your wisdom and prayers. It means so much.</p><p></p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 739988, member: 19522"] Hi Copa. Yes, it is hard. They are our children, but, they are also adults. Rain will be 39 next week.[I] 39.[/I] The same for my two. And I cannot allow myself to forget that, or their propensity to regress even further in my home, the chaos of it oozing off the walls like Dalis clocks. It turns my stomach, the memories. I cannot, and will not go back to that. Good for you Copa. Hard, but good. My two have told me through words and action that they are adults and will do as they please. So, do as you please, but not in my home. It is not a pit stop, a motel. I have found when it comes to my two, that the less I say, the better. I don't need to have my words twisted, or argue with anyone. My bitterness is towards consequences that we got dragged into by their living here, it didn’t phase them. The feeling of entitlement and blame, all at the same time. It didn’t work. They didn’t mind living off of us, disrespecting our home and everything we worked hard for. What a mess. The bitter taste left in my mouth reminds me that I don't want to sample that again. They are responsible. They have the wherewithal to make a life for themselves. [I]It is a choice. They have to understand this. [/I]They have to take responsibility for the choices they have made while they have been in our homes. They have to know that their attitude and behaviors in our homes are unacceptable. I am grateful for the connection and do hope that she comes round the corner. I am not a therapist or rehab. I have enough reminders from past attempts to try all over again to fix things for both of them by opening my door. That did not work for either of us. This is unfortunately true. It becomes an unhealthy pattern. Thank you Copa, and I am happy for you. Although this is a difficult lesson, I think that it has forced us to shift focus and look [I]inward ourselves[/I]. We cannot gauge our lives on the choices and actions of others, even our beloveds. Perhaps as we transition through this, it will help them to see that they are capable. As we place value on our own lives, irrespective and beyond what their choices and consequences are, maybe they will see the value of their own. If we rise above the degradation, just maybe they will. Our rising above and grabbing our lives back cannot be dependent on what they choose. I had that monster feeling for a [I]nano second. [/I]I swallowed it down. We are not monsters when we show our adult children that they are capable to make better choices and that they can make a better life for themselves. We take a stand for ourselves, [I]and for them. [/I] I hope so for all of our wayward children, that they can begin to see that there are other ways to live, that one does not have to compromise oneself for a fleeting happiness induced by chemicals. That they have been duped by that fantasy and are chasing a dragon that brings more misery than it is worth. I think that a connection is important, but not one that affords them a continuance and ease of using. We have to take a stand at some point, however painful, so that they see the difference. Maybe, just maybe it is like looking in the mirror. Rain has in the past, made irrational decisions, distanced herself from family. Pointed fingers and placed blame to excuse her using. Denied using. She herself said that it is about choosing, Tornados choice. So, in that, maybe she is having to look at her own choices. That will have to come from her. It is painful to hope at times. It is taking a chance at having the bubble burst. I think that there is a way to practice acceptance, but still hold out hope..... and the foundation for this is faith, patience and balance. How can I pray and ask in faith, yet doubt at the same time? God works in mysterious ways, and not always in our timeframe. This is where bolstering ourselves is so important, to be able to live our lives with peace and joy, even though our adult kids are out there dealing with their challenges. I think so too, Tanya. These park closings do not leave much room for Rain to go. As people struggle for places to set up tents, I would imagine there is conflict, as resources are thin. I have heard that homeless can be a tight knit community, but in talking with her, relationships have been strained. I believe that she has replaced family for her "connections", those connections are not as solid as she thought, especially with her own sister. I think this is true as well. It was kind of her. I am trying to stay off the roller coaster. Just praying for steady state, and that Rain find her way. I am quite cognizant that it could all change in an instant, that is the reality of it. I have experienced that enough, the extreme highs and lows. For both her, and I. I don't need that kind of stress. So, I will try my best to relish in the moment, continue to hope and pray, but not go overboard. I was thinking this morning that the usual feeling I get when seeing her was not there. I do not know if that is a shift on my part, or hers. What that feeling was, in past encounters, was an awkwardness, a hesitation, a sort of rift, a divide and disconnect. A waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't know if that feeling shifting, comes from acceptance or my resolve that I am not the one to "help" her. Only time will tell where all of this goes, and I do hope she finds herself. My finding my potential is not tied to her outcome. Anymore. That is not being unloving, selfish or unkind. It is being real. Thank you Lil. I do hope that she is at a crossroads. It is completely up to her what path she takes. She has always turned away any kind of real help, saying it is a sign of weakness. What I take that to mean is in the eyes of her peers, weak people go to the doctor when they are ill, weak people go to shelters and rehab. It has been a hard, hard lifestyle to live. Hopefully, she will realize this, and seek help. I know it cannot come from me, that just sets us both up for the cycle to continue. I hope so TL. Only time will tell what her next move will be. Thank you RN. It was a standing still in time. I hope that she will take to heart her value and worth and start to make healthier choices. I agree with RN Copa, you have bent over backwards to try and help your son. In this day and age especially in Hawaii with rents so astronomically high, many families double up. I see this as a plus, if all are contributing to the cause. The problem with my two is that it became a big vacation for them. Not so much for us. Thank you all for your wisdom and prayers. It means so much. (((HUGS))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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