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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 740162" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>I am sorry you are dealing with this too, Elsi. That rationale goes against everything I have taught my kids, and it is also a reminder of why it is impossible to have a relationship with my daughter while she is in her current state. There are no rules, values thrown out the window for the next high.</p><p></p><p>I hope this is so. That deep down inside she remembers what she has been taught. That is completely up to her to figure out where she wants to be. I just know that I can’t follow along with her on this journey.</p><p></p><p>I have a few beers now and then, wine, have stupidly overdone it a couple of times, but learned quickly that I don’t want to go there again. A few of my paddling friends do drink and quite a bit. I see them losing themselves in the haze and I know that is not for me. I feel......embarrassed for them, if they were sober, they would not act the same. I would much rather garden, take a walk, clean my house, lose myself in something functional.</p><p></p><p>I am glad she is at least speaking of it, as far as I know, she has rejected any notion of even considering talking with social workers.</p><p>Baby steps.</p><p>There is definitely a void when I don’t hear from my two. I chase away the terrible awful thoughts with prayer. I have dealt with this for so long and know my worrying does nothing for them, and causes me so much grief and anxiety. When I start to fret, I pray.</p><p> It is all I can do.</p><p><strong>It is enough. </strong><em>I write this in bold for myself, as a reminder.</em></p><p>I have to be cautious and guard my heart. I don’t know her, and yet, <em>I do.</em> Being realistic without being judgemental is a fine line. I am quite cognizant of both my daughters ability to make me their mark. I have drawn a line with that, and feel that I would need to see huge steps before I would let my guard down, and still it would take some time before I would trust them.</p><p>With that stated, I have a lot of work to do on myself. I try to stay as far away from the edge of that rabbit hole as possible, but when new stuff taps me on the shoulder (like Tornado being in jail) I start ruminating. My brain goes into overdrive, and I lose focus. Life is <em>way too short for this.</em></p><p>I think of Dr. Seuss book “Oh the Places You’ll Go!”</p><p>Where I go in my mind, is what I am working on. Trying to stay steady state, a balancing act, but it shouldn’t feel like walking a tightrope. (I dislike heights, a lot).</p><p>I have thought more and more of that simple, stoic philosophy of what we can and cannot control. We complicate that, putting ourselves in the place our kids are at, as Copa says, putting ourselves in their stories. We want change for them, <em>we would feel so much better,</em> if their lives were on track, that’s a no brainer. Does our feeling badly, effect that change? Emphatically NO!</p><p> That’s what I am working on.</p><p>The feelings.</p><p>Rerunning those tapes, a proverbial chewing of the cud. Why do I do this? It does nothing, but cause me grief.</p><p></p><p>This is exactly what I am writing of, this <em>self flagellation </em>with questions, thoughts and feelings. As if we could go back in the past and find moments to fix......for a different outcome, or that anything we could say or do would change things. Nothing can change the past. As for the present and future, we can hope for change, <em>but we can’t wish, feel, emote these circumstances away. </em></p><p>We can live our lives going over and over all of this, is it necessary? Is it fruitful? Does it help? Do we really want or need to live in shoulda, coulda, woulda land?</p><p>Been there, done that and you are right, that is <em>majorly</em> bad.</p><p> I have learned that my being tied to results does nothing. From rescuing, to housing, to trying to talk with them....offering advice, down to losing my own peace and joy from wanting them to wake up and grab hold of their lives and it not happening. I started suffering their consequences more than they did. I had to stop.</p><p></p><p>I actually think it is a remedy for them as well. That they stop perceiving us as an option. Someone to fall back on. Then, they have to be resourceful.</p><p> Is it love? Or does it become a distorted version of love? Like Tornados exclaiming that “You may think that you are loving me, <em>it is not the way I need to be loved.”</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>Our despair over our loved ones circumstances invokes knee jerk reactions that start to feel like love.</p><p>I blame <em>emotion</em>, separate from love. I am working on setting emotional boundaries, and this does not mean I do not love my two. I am recognizing that I have no control over their choices. That my despair over their consequences does nothing to help them, and ultimately harms me.</p><p>The article on detachment explains it so much better. I don’t like the word detachment, because I feel connected to my two, so I call it disentanglement.</p><p>The web wound tight around us, drawing us in to feeling a need to do something to fix the unbearable notion of suffering, they suffer, so do we. It all gets so mixed up with.......love.</p><p>Can we love them and do......nothing? Can we examine all of the somethings we have tried and think with our heads, not our hearts and understand that we have absolutely no control over their choices?</p><p>It is a wrestling with emotion.</p><p>This is where I get caught up with the term unconditional love. Tornado would describe it that I should house her, while she “finds herself” which means she can do whatever she wants, and I will provide for her.</p><p>It’s absurd.</p><p>I love my two.</p><p>I have to use my logical mind to reinforce the mantra that love says no. Then I have to stop defending that position, as if I am cold hearted by saying no, or by my desire to become more balanced and steady state to prevent myself from sinking into a swamp of emotions, that I am unfeeling, distant.</p><p>I have to go one step further, to prevent myself from falling into emotional entrapment, the cycling it creates, sadness and despair over their circumstances building up and tangling my own ability to live well, even though they are not.</p><p>Who am I to think that I have power over anyone, even my beloveds, to fix them?</p><p>If love could save, none of us would be here.</p><p>I think it is very important to separate the emotional upheaval we may feel, that propels and motivates us to react, separate that knee jerk reaction, from love.</p><p>We can love them, and live our lives with intention, without stepping in to their stories. We can learn to let go, without feeling that we are cold hearted monsters. We are not giving up on them, we give in to the ill conceived notion that anything we do or say will bring about change. That we are responsible for their decisions.</p><p> That our suffering and falling on the sword is proof of our love.</p><p>I think building courage and sense of self, setting boundaries and abiding by them, is love. It is a hard thing to practice, but it is what we wish for our beloveds. That they would examine their lives and choices, and choose better.</p><p>It is on them.</p><p>Is it not on us, to do the same?</p><p>Examine our lives and choose better.</p><p>I have a lot of work to do, setting emotional boundaries.</p><p>The love has and will always be there.</p><p>Letting go of my own emotional entanglement, the synchronistic downfall with feelings, that’s going to take some training.</p><p>I am getting a bit better, day by day. I am sure to have some slip ups here and there. That’s okay.</p><p>This is not easy.</p><p>Thanks guys, for following along and sharing your wisdom.</p><p>May we find peace and intention, each day.</p><p>For some reason, the saying "Physician, heal thyself" is repeating in my mind.</p><p>I looked up intention and found that used in medical terms, it means a process of healing wounds. </p><p>When our children are floundering it opens up old scars and creates new ones.</p><p>We are on our own journey, healing those wounds.</p><p></p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 740162, member: 19522"] I am sorry you are dealing with this too, Elsi. That rationale goes against everything I have taught my kids, and it is also a reminder of why it is impossible to have a relationship with my daughter while she is in her current state. There are no rules, values thrown out the window for the next high. I hope this is so. That deep down inside she remembers what she has been taught. That is completely up to her to figure out where she wants to be. I just know that I can’t follow along with her on this journey. I have a few beers now and then, wine, have stupidly overdone it a couple of times, but learned quickly that I don’t want to go there again. A few of my paddling friends do drink and quite a bit. I see them losing themselves in the haze and I know that is not for me. I feel......embarrassed for them, if they were sober, they would not act the same. I would much rather garden, take a walk, clean my house, lose myself in something functional. I am glad she is at least speaking of it, as far as I know, she has rejected any notion of even considering talking with social workers. Baby steps. There is definitely a void when I don’t hear from my two. I chase away the terrible awful thoughts with prayer. I have dealt with this for so long and know my worrying does nothing for them, and causes me so much grief and anxiety. When I start to fret, I pray. It is all I can do. [B]It is enough. [/B][I]I write this in bold for myself, as a reminder.[/I] I have to be cautious and guard my heart. I don’t know her, and yet, [I]I do.[/I] Being realistic without being judgemental is a fine line. I am quite cognizant of both my daughters ability to make me their mark. I have drawn a line with that, and feel that I would need to see huge steps before I would let my guard down, and still it would take some time before I would trust them. With that stated, I have a lot of work to do on myself. I try to stay as far away from the edge of that rabbit hole as possible, but when new stuff taps me on the shoulder (like Tornado being in jail) I start ruminating. My brain goes into overdrive, and I lose focus. Life is [I]way too short for this.[/I] I think of Dr. Seuss book “Oh the Places You’ll Go!” Where I go in my mind, is what I am working on. Trying to stay steady state, a balancing act, but it shouldn’t feel like walking a tightrope. (I dislike heights, a lot). I have thought more and more of that simple, stoic philosophy of what we can and cannot control. We complicate that, putting ourselves in the place our kids are at, as Copa says, putting ourselves in their stories. We want change for them, [I]we would feel so much better,[/I] if their lives were on track, that’s a no brainer. Does our feeling badly, effect that change? Emphatically NO! That’s what I am working on. The feelings. Rerunning those tapes, a proverbial chewing of the cud. Why do I do this? It does nothing, but cause me grief. This is exactly what I am writing of, this [I]self flagellation [/I]with questions, thoughts and feelings. As if we could go back in the past and find moments to fix......for a different outcome, or that anything we could say or do would change things. Nothing can change the past. As for the present and future, we can hope for change, [I]but we can’t wish, feel, emote these circumstances away. [/I] We can live our lives going over and over all of this, is it necessary? Is it fruitful? Does it help? Do we really want or need to live in shoulda, coulda, woulda land? Been there, done that and you are right, that is [I]majorly[/I] bad. I have learned that my being tied to results does nothing. From rescuing, to housing, to trying to talk with them....offering advice, down to losing my own peace and joy from wanting them to wake up and grab hold of their lives and it not happening. I started suffering their consequences more than they did. I had to stop. I actually think it is a remedy for them as well. That they stop perceiving us as an option. Someone to fall back on. Then, they have to be resourceful. Is it love? Or does it become a distorted version of love? Like Tornados exclaiming that “You may think that you are loving me, [I]it is not the way I need to be loved.” [/I] Our despair over our loved ones circumstances invokes knee jerk reactions that start to feel like love. I blame [I]emotion[/I], separate from love. I am working on setting emotional boundaries, and this does not mean I do not love my two. I am recognizing that I have no control over their choices. That my despair over their consequences does nothing to help them, and ultimately harms me. The article on detachment explains it so much better. I don’t like the word detachment, because I feel connected to my two, so I call it disentanglement. The web wound tight around us, drawing us in to feeling a need to do something to fix the unbearable notion of suffering, they suffer, so do we. It all gets so mixed up with.......love. Can we love them and do......nothing? Can we examine all of the somethings we have tried and think with our heads, not our hearts and understand that we have absolutely no control over their choices? It is a wrestling with emotion. This is where I get caught up with the term unconditional love. Tornado would describe it that I should house her, while she “finds herself” which means she can do whatever she wants, and I will provide for her. It’s absurd. I love my two. I have to use my logical mind to reinforce the mantra that love says no. Then I have to stop defending that position, as if I am cold hearted by saying no, or by my desire to become more balanced and steady state to prevent myself from sinking into a swamp of emotions, that I am unfeeling, distant. I have to go one step further, to prevent myself from falling into emotional entrapment, the cycling it creates, sadness and despair over their circumstances building up and tangling my own ability to live well, even though they are not. Who am I to think that I have power over anyone, even my beloveds, to fix them? If love could save, none of us would be here. I think it is very important to separate the emotional upheaval we may feel, that propels and motivates us to react, separate that knee jerk reaction, from love. We can love them, and live our lives with intention, without stepping in to their stories. We can learn to let go, without feeling that we are cold hearted monsters. We are not giving up on them, we give in to the ill conceived notion that anything we do or say will bring about change. That we are responsible for their decisions. That our suffering and falling on the sword is proof of our love. I think building courage and sense of self, setting boundaries and abiding by them, is love. It is a hard thing to practice, but it is what we wish for our beloveds. That they would examine their lives and choices, and choose better. It is on them. Is it not on us, to do the same? Examine our lives and choose better. I have a lot of work to do, setting emotional boundaries. The love has and will always be there. Letting go of my own emotional entanglement, the synchronistic downfall with feelings, that’s going to take some training. I am getting a bit better, day by day. I am sure to have some slip ups here and there. That’s okay. This is not easy. Thanks guys, for following along and sharing your wisdom. May we find peace and intention, each day. For some reason, the saying "Physician, heal thyself" is repeating in my mind. I looked up intention and found that used in medical terms, it means a process of healing wounds. When our children are floundering it opens up old scars and creates new ones. We are on our own journey, healing those wounds. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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