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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 740170" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Yes. Maybe we can do this, Albatross. I hope so.</p><p>Of course this is crystal clear.</p><p></p><p>I will just write a few thoughts. I want to turn off the computer; it is Yom Kippur tomorrow and I want to at least try to be in the spirit.</p><p></p><p>Albatross. You were speaking this way before your son completed the program the first time. But everything changes when they are over the edge. Everything changes when we think we will die from pain, fear (and rage).</p><p></p><p>My son always had issues of some sort. But what changed, was our relationship. First it was that he had the normal adolescent hostility and pushback. While difficult, I could deal. But what I could not deal with was his suffering, his inability to get traction in his life, my own inability to make him stick with anything, and worst of all, my inability to help him with his suffering. The bottom line, is our relationship no longer worked. And this triggered all kinds of agony in me.</p><p></p><p>I will say this for me: it was<em> I no longer worked</em>.<em> Not just that I no longer worked as a mother.</em> I did not work as a human person, in relation to my son. <em>The underside of my love was revealed. And it was broken. I was broken.</em></p><p></p><p>I am thinking about your post some more. It really is about power. But I do not think that for me it was lack of power over him. <em>It was lack of power over me. It was lack of power in me.</em> In relation to my love for him inside me. In psychiatry they call this Object Relations. It is too complex for me to understand alone. I have a friend who is a psychoanalyst that could help me. But she is not so kind, and I do not think I want to risk it.</p><p></p><p>It is hard to reveal all of this. Really, I reveal too much. But I don't know how else to change myself.</p><p></p><p>Some of it was this: I was exposed as a fraud. Or as somebody other than who I thought I was or wanted to be. And with that came a loss of integrity. And loss of self-control. Inability to stay in the present. Going into blaming. Getting into a power struggle, in order to gain control over myself. But I really think what was revealed was attachment issues on my part, that had never been triggered in relationship to my son. I never thought that there would come a time I would choose to write these words, here, but here they are.</p><p></p><p>I have known all of this for maybe 11 years. But I have never been able to deal with it, really. I have brought up the words, but I have not known how to deal with it, really. I have put it under wraps.</p><p></p><p>Before I kicked out my son when he was 23 I was treading water. I refused to accept we were dealing with a new paradigm. I just kept operating (unsuccessfully) from the old one. M and this acquaintance of ours who I had asked to spend time with my son, to see if he could make headway said it was a question of over-indulgence and too much support on my part--that were to blame. And that if I kicked my son out, he would have to step up. *Wrong. You see. I really did not know what to do. I still do not know what to do. If somebody tells me what to do, I do it. There is no more that I know to do. Here I am cornered standing in front of a mirror.</p><p></p><p>Honest, heartfelt, present, loving, open, authentic conversation between my son and I: OMG. If you asked me why I haven't, cannot do this, I would not be able to tell you. I can do it with anybody else in the world, at least some. Well. Actually. I could not with my family.</p><p></p><p>I do not want my son to be my drug. And I do not want to have to abstain from him, which is what my recent posts have maintained. I do not want to relapse, but I do not want to live alienated from the person I have loved most in my life.</p><p></p><p>I may be an addict but there has to be another way, where I can have a relationship with my son, and not make him into demon rum. Not make him into a pill. Or some other<em> thing</em>. He is my son. No wonder he hung up on me.</p><p></p><p>But I have no defenses. None. I do not know how to do this.</p><p></p><p>I have thought before of going to AA to try to learn how to deal with my addictive behavior in relation to my son. But I do not want to renounce him. Or to live as if my love for him is a vice. I do not want to objectify him. I do not want to have to isolate him. Or push him away.</p><p></p><p>Maybe I will begin to read about alternate treatment methodologies for addiction, like the one LBL told us about, Harm Reduction. Remember how we mocked it? Or I did.</p><p></p><p>Anyway, I will be back on Thursday. I will miss you all.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 740170, member: 18958"] Yes. Maybe we can do this, Albatross. I hope so. Of course this is crystal clear. I will just write a few thoughts. I want to turn off the computer; it is Yom Kippur tomorrow and I want to at least try to be in the spirit. Albatross. You were speaking this way before your son completed the program the first time. But everything changes when they are over the edge. Everything changes when we think we will die from pain, fear (and rage). My son always had issues of some sort. But what changed, was our relationship. First it was that he had the normal adolescent hostility and pushback. While difficult, I could deal. But what I could not deal with was his suffering, his inability to get traction in his life, my own inability to make him stick with anything, and worst of all, my inability to help him with his suffering. The bottom line, is our relationship no longer worked. And this triggered all kinds of agony in me. I will say this for me: it was[I] I no longer worked[/I].[I] Not just that I no longer worked as a mother.[/I] I did not work as a human person, in relation to my son. [I]The underside of my love was revealed. And it was broken. I was broken.[/I] I am thinking about your post some more. It really is about power. But I do not think that for me it was lack of power over him. [I]It was lack of power over me. It was lack of power in me.[/I] In relation to my love for him inside me. In psychiatry they call this Object Relations. It is too complex for me to understand alone. I have a friend who is a psychoanalyst that could help me. But she is not so kind, and I do not think I want to risk it. It is hard to reveal all of this. Really, I reveal too much. But I don't know how else to change myself. Some of it was this: I was exposed as a fraud. Or as somebody other than who I thought I was or wanted to be. And with that came a loss of integrity. And loss of self-control. Inability to stay in the present. Going into blaming. Getting into a power struggle, in order to gain control over myself. But I really think what was revealed was attachment issues on my part, that had never been triggered in relationship to my son. I never thought that there would come a time I would choose to write these words, here, but here they are. I have known all of this for maybe 11 years. But I have never been able to deal with it, really. I have brought up the words, but I have not known how to deal with it, really. I have put it under wraps. Before I kicked out my son when he was 23 I was treading water. I refused to accept we were dealing with a new paradigm. I just kept operating (unsuccessfully) from the old one. M and this acquaintance of ours who I had asked to spend time with my son, to see if he could make headway said it was a question of over-indulgence and too much support on my part--that were to blame. And that if I kicked my son out, he would have to step up. *Wrong. You see. I really did not know what to do. I still do not know what to do. If somebody tells me what to do, I do it. There is no more that I know to do. Here I am cornered standing in front of a mirror. Honest, heartfelt, present, loving, open, authentic conversation between my son and I: OMG. If you asked me why I haven't, cannot do this, I would not be able to tell you. I can do it with anybody else in the world, at least some. Well. Actually. I could not with my family. I do not want my son to be my drug. And I do not want to have to abstain from him, which is what my recent posts have maintained. I do not want to relapse, but I do not want to live alienated from the person I have loved most in my life. I may be an addict but there has to be another way, where I can have a relationship with my son, and not make him into demon rum. Not make him into a pill. Or some other[I] thing[/I]. He is my son. No wonder he hung up on me. But I have no defenses. None. I do not know how to do this. I have thought before of going to AA to try to learn how to deal with my addictive behavior in relation to my son. But I do not want to renounce him. Or to live as if my love for him is a vice. I do not want to objectify him. I do not want to have to isolate him. Or push him away. Maybe I will begin to read about alternate treatment methodologies for addiction, like the one LBL told us about, Harm Reduction. Remember how we mocked it? Or I did. Anyway, I will be back on Thursday. I will miss you all. [/QUOTE]
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