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"the explosive child"
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 37672" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Plan B is where you back off when needed. Plan c is where you don't even go there.</p><p></p><p>Have faith in yourself and your husband. This is a system that has to be fine-tuned to each individual family. YOU know what is working for you. You have begun to see some improvement. Give it and yourselves time.</p><p></p><p>The thing is, with a lot of how we deal with our kids - if it works, great! if it makes it worse and you can't make things work, throw it out.</p><p></p><p>Observe yourself, as you go through your day. A lot of this is also mindset, and you may be using Basket B more than you think.</p><p></p><p>Another suggestion which you can feel free to ignore if it's not relevant - we had to acknowledge that task-changing was Plan C, and yet we needed it to be Plan A. So we developed a method to put it in Plan B: </p><p>We would observe to see what difficult child 3 was doing. Generally it's playing a computer game. We have put in strict timetabling of when he can play games and under what circumstances. We also have written his evening routine on a blackboard, so he can tick off his tasks. When all his tasks are done before 8.30 pm he can go back to games until 8.30. After that he has to find something else to do (such as read a book) before bedtime at 9.30 pm. HE chose the bedtime after negotiation with us. Yet he often goes to bed before this time. HIS choice.</p><p>To get him off a computer game - we don't walk up and turn it off. Instant meltdown! if he did that to me while I was typing this to you, I would be very angry.</p><p>We ask him, "How long before you can get to a save point, or finish the game?"</p><p>He might say, "ten minutes." </p><p>If that is too long and we only need him for a short task, we might say, "NO, I need you to pause it now, you can finish the game when you've taken this phone call."</p><p>Or we might say, "Your bath has been run, you need to be having your bath now. In ten minutes' time you need to be off that game, or paused. Otherwise your bath will be cold."</p><p>We put a brightly coloured Post-It note in the top corner of the TV screen, where it won't obscure the game but can still be seen. On the note we wrote, "Bath - 10 minutes - told at 7.15 pm." </p><p>This way when I go back in ten minutes' time (I LOVE oven timers!) he can't say, "You didn't tell me!"</p><p>That isn't a lie, by the way. When they insist that you didn't tell them, even when they answered you as you spoke to them - part of their brain that is talking to you is on automatic pilot, they really didn't remember. But the piece of paper is the independent witness, tat way they know you aren't making it up to make them feel bad.</p><p></p><p>I don't think this method is covered specifically by Ross Greene (I could be wrong). But it meshes in so neatly, because part of Ross Greene's stuff is to try to understand what is triggering the kid. For us, task-changing is always a huge problem and is part of the disability.</p><p></p><p>What difficult child 3 has now learnt, is that I respect his game space, but I require him to put it aside to do his tasks. I will not use his game space to control him or to limit it without discussion with him. As a result, he is now far more willing to pause a game because he knows I will let him finish it. This reduces his anxiety and makes him more manageable - which is what I need.</p><p></p><p>So be flexible, be adaptable and take your own personal notes if you find something that either works spectacularly, or is a dismal failure. That way you can repeat successes and avoid past problems.</p><p></p><p>marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 37672, member: 1991"] Plan B is where you back off when needed. Plan c is where you don't even go there. Have faith in yourself and your husband. This is a system that has to be fine-tuned to each individual family. YOU know what is working for you. You have begun to see some improvement. Give it and yourselves time. The thing is, with a lot of how we deal with our kids - if it works, great! if it makes it worse and you can't make things work, throw it out. Observe yourself, as you go through your day. A lot of this is also mindset, and you may be using Basket B more than you think. Another suggestion which you can feel free to ignore if it's not relevant - we had to acknowledge that task-changing was Plan C, and yet we needed it to be Plan A. So we developed a method to put it in Plan B: We would observe to see what difficult child 3 was doing. Generally it's playing a computer game. We have put in strict timetabling of when he can play games and under what circumstances. We also have written his evening routine on a blackboard, so he can tick off his tasks. When all his tasks are done before 8.30 pm he can go back to games until 8.30. After that he has to find something else to do (such as read a book) before bedtime at 9.30 pm. HE chose the bedtime after negotiation with us. Yet he often goes to bed before this time. HIS choice. To get him off a computer game - we don't walk up and turn it off. Instant meltdown! if he did that to me while I was typing this to you, I would be very angry. We ask him, "How long before you can get to a save point, or finish the game?" He might say, "ten minutes." If that is too long and we only need him for a short task, we might say, "NO, I need you to pause it now, you can finish the game when you've taken this phone call." Or we might say, "Your bath has been run, you need to be having your bath now. In ten minutes' time you need to be off that game, or paused. Otherwise your bath will be cold." We put a brightly coloured Post-It note in the top corner of the TV screen, where it won't obscure the game but can still be seen. On the note we wrote, "Bath - 10 minutes - told at 7.15 pm." This way when I go back in ten minutes' time (I LOVE oven timers!) he can't say, "You didn't tell me!" That isn't a lie, by the way. When they insist that you didn't tell them, even when they answered you as you spoke to them - part of their brain that is talking to you is on automatic pilot, they really didn't remember. But the piece of paper is the independent witness, tat way they know you aren't making it up to make them feel bad. I don't think this method is covered specifically by Ross Greene (I could be wrong). But it meshes in so neatly, because part of Ross Greene's stuff is to try to understand what is triggering the kid. For us, task-changing is always a huge problem and is part of the disability. What difficult child 3 has now learnt, is that I respect his game space, but I require him to put it aside to do his tasks. I will not use his game space to control him or to limit it without discussion with him. As a result, he is now far more willing to pause a game because he knows I will let him finish it. This reduces his anxiety and makes him more manageable - which is what I need. So be flexible, be adaptable and take your own personal notes if you find something that either works spectacularly, or is a dismal failure. That way you can repeat successes and avoid past problems. marg [/QUOTE]
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