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The Guilt Trap
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<blockquote data-quote="trinityroyal" data-source="post: 238220" data-attributes="member: 3907"><p>Daisy,</p><p></p><p>Detaching is hard. You think you've got it down pat, then you get drawn right back in. Over and over again.</p><p></p><p>The technique that works best for me is to ask "What are you (difficult child) going to do about it?" If difficult child isn't there, I ask, "So, I wonder how he's going to handle that?"</p><p></p><p>It really was an eye opener when I started reframing things in my mind.</p><p></p><p>Look at all of the phrases you mentioned. What do they have in common?</p><p></p><p>"<strong><em>I</em></strong> shoulda"</p><p>"<strong><em>I </em></strong>coulda"</p><p>"Why didn't <strong><em>I</em></strong>"</p><p>"Why did <strong><em>I</em></strong>"</p><p> etc.</p><p></p><p>With each of those questions, you're making the problem your own, when it should rest with your difficult child. As for the WHY questions, difficult child's psychiatrist taught me that I must never never never step into the trap of asking difficult child "why". I will either get, "I dunno" or I will get a stupid answer that will just frustrate me more. Better just not to go there.</p><p></p><p>In the archives there is a whole set of "Detachment 101" phrases compiled by board members. I have it printed out, and I refer to it whenever I find myself tempted to stick my nose in.</p><p></p><p>Oh...as with everything relating to our difficult children, this is way easier said than done.</p><p></p><p>Trinity</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="trinityroyal, post: 238220, member: 3907"] Daisy, Detaching is hard. You think you've got it down pat, then you get drawn right back in. Over and over again. The technique that works best for me is to ask "What are you (difficult child) going to do about it?" If difficult child isn't there, I ask, "So, I wonder how he's going to handle that?" It really was an eye opener when I started reframing things in my mind. Look at all of the phrases you mentioned. What do they have in common? "[B][I]I[/I][/B] shoulda" "[B][I]I [/I][/B]coulda" "Why didn't [B][I]I[/I][/B]" "Why did [B][I]I[/I][/B]" etc. With each of those questions, you're making the problem your own, when it should rest with your difficult child. As for the WHY questions, difficult child's psychiatrist taught me that I must never never never step into the trap of asking difficult child "why". I will either get, "I dunno" or I will get a stupid answer that will just frustrate me more. Better just not to go there. In the archives there is a whole set of "Detachment 101" phrases compiled by board members. I have it printed out, and I refer to it whenever I find myself tempted to stick my nose in. Oh...as with everything relating to our difficult children, this is way easier said than done. Trinity [/QUOTE]
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