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The habit theory
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<blockquote data-quote="Malika" data-source="post: 460805" data-attributes="member: 11227"><p>Yes, well... there is theory. And then there is practice. Like I say, I am not writing any book yet. Unless it's one called Do As I Say and Not As I Do... Here's the thing. This afternoon was <strong>disastrous... </strong>Picked J up from the activity centre to go to tennis, which is in the same village as the centre. With hindsight, I should have picked him up earlier and reminded him, worked into the change because I think it was too abrupt for him (of course I had told him this morning that was what we were doing, but that was this morning...) He immediately started on about wanting a toy from the village shop - nothing too insistent, just gentle whining. That is where I broke my own theory. Instead of replying gently, patiently, humorously, whatever, I said in a really annoyed tone of voice "J I am not buying you toys whenever you want them". You see... after a few days, or a week or so, of J being really "good" as he has been, I start thinking he is like a easy child. He is not... He immediately reacted to my angry tone of voice and the crisis escalated. I eventually managed to get him to calm down enough to go in to the tennis lesson where, for the first 20 minutes, or so, he was fine. Did all the exercises with the other kids. Then he wanted to go to the loo. Fine. Then five minutes later he said he wanted to go to the loo again and when I said no, he didn't need to, he started crying and making a scene. The other kids came up asking what was wrong... He just started going ballistic about wanting this wretched toy and I found myself getting really angry, talking to him in a reallycold and impatient tone of voice. This demand for things really pushes a button in me, I stop seeing a young child with issues but a spoilt brat... Things got worse and worse until we both ended up in the car, me really shouting at him and him crying furiously saying all his stuff like "I'm going to tell Daddy and he's going to hit you!" Horrible. I think I kind of got to a point where his behaviour just seems so unreasonable that I stop knowing how to deal with it sensibly... and this is related, I do see, for my continuing desire for him to be "normal", not to be a difficult child at all... Of course I see all the uselessness and all the suffering of that but it doesn't stop it happening. We eventually calmed down enough to go and talk to the tennis teacher, who seemed quite sympathetic, said it didn't matter and he had seen that kind of thing before (had he?) and that we should come back and try again next week, to which J agreed.</p><p>The worst of it is that... we ended up going to the shop and I ended up buying him the toy he wanted, which he is now outside playing with... </p><p>I wish I could get some kind of clear and reliable diagnosis, really. At least I would have something to hang on to in my own mind for why he behaves like this. Scenes in public definitely touch off a raw nerve for me.</p><p>Yes, well, the theory... how easy things are in theory... <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/hangin.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":hangin:" title="hangin :hangin:" data-shortname=":hangin:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Malika, post: 460805, member: 11227"] Yes, well... there is theory. And then there is practice. Like I say, I am not writing any book yet. Unless it's one called Do As I Say and Not As I Do... Here's the thing. This afternoon was [B]disastrous... [/B]Picked J up from the activity centre to go to tennis, which is in the same village as the centre. With hindsight, I should have picked him up earlier and reminded him, worked into the change because I think it was too abrupt for him (of course I had told him this morning that was what we were doing, but that was this morning...) He immediately started on about wanting a toy from the village shop - nothing too insistent, just gentle whining. That is where I broke my own theory. Instead of replying gently, patiently, humorously, whatever, I said in a really annoyed tone of voice "J I am not buying you toys whenever you want them". You see... after a few days, or a week or so, of J being really "good" as he has been, I start thinking he is like a easy child. He is not... He immediately reacted to my angry tone of voice and the crisis escalated. I eventually managed to get him to calm down enough to go in to the tennis lesson where, for the first 20 minutes, or so, he was fine. Did all the exercises with the other kids. Then he wanted to go to the loo. Fine. Then five minutes later he said he wanted to go to the loo again and when I said no, he didn't need to, he started crying and making a scene. The other kids came up asking what was wrong... He just started going ballistic about wanting this wretched toy and I found myself getting really angry, talking to him in a reallycold and impatient tone of voice. This demand for things really pushes a button in me, I stop seeing a young child with issues but a spoilt brat... Things got worse and worse until we both ended up in the car, me really shouting at him and him crying furiously saying all his stuff like "I'm going to tell Daddy and he's going to hit you!" Horrible. I think I kind of got to a point where his behaviour just seems so unreasonable that I stop knowing how to deal with it sensibly... and this is related, I do see, for my continuing desire for him to be "normal", not to be a difficult child at all... Of course I see all the uselessness and all the suffering of that but it doesn't stop it happening. We eventually calmed down enough to go and talk to the tennis teacher, who seemed quite sympathetic, said it didn't matter and he had seen that kind of thing before (had he?) and that we should come back and try again next week, to which J agreed. The worst of it is that... we ended up going to the shop and I ended up buying him the toy he wanted, which he is now outside playing with... I wish I could get some kind of clear and reliable diagnosis, really. At least I would have something to hang on to in my own mind for why he behaves like this. Scenes in public definitely touch off a raw nerve for me. Yes, well, the theory... how easy things are in theory... :hangin: [/QUOTE]
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