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General Parenting
The habit theory
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<blockquote data-quote="chrisb" data-source="post: 460811" data-attributes="member: 12811"><p>I've often thought that relationships have memory. You react to someone based on the history of the relationship, plus the current event, not just the event itself. This is something like habit I guess. When you have a great relationship with someone, you are always polite and helpful to each other, etc when that person acts rude to you, its easy to respond gracefully and take it in stride, the history of the relationship balances out the one negative act. But if you have a relationship where someone is constantly rude or mean to you, even polite requests can cause you to react negatively, because the heavy weight of the relationship overwhelms the request itself. </p><p></p><p>I noticed this especially with my relationship with my mother. Being probably a difficult child myself as a child we had a horrible relationship, and we practically jumped down each others throats all the time. I moved away after college for about 7 years and moved close again after my kids were born. I think the time apart allowed us to reset our relationship and start over with new, better polite interactions. We now have a pretty good relationship.</p><p></p><p>This is the problem I have dealing with my kids, I know intellectually they are just kids, they can't help it, they may even have issues beyond the normal, etc. but emotionally the weight of the many many times they have been rude, obnoxious, defiant, hit me or needled me just weighs on me and makes it very difficult for me to keep my half of the relationship the polite and civil example to them it should be. I know I end up snapping at them, barking orders instead of polite requests. And of course my negative interactions with them are making it even harder for them to respond nicely to me, so its a viscous circle.</p><p></p><p>I think I really have to make a concerted effort to reset my half of the relationship, create a new habit like you said. I know this won't be easy. This has been an interesting thread. Thanks for sharing.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="chrisb, post: 460811, member: 12811"] I've often thought that relationships have memory. You react to someone based on the history of the relationship, plus the current event, not just the event itself. This is something like habit I guess. When you have a great relationship with someone, you are always polite and helpful to each other, etc when that person acts rude to you, its easy to respond gracefully and take it in stride, the history of the relationship balances out the one negative act. But if you have a relationship where someone is constantly rude or mean to you, even polite requests can cause you to react negatively, because the heavy weight of the relationship overwhelms the request itself. I noticed this especially with my relationship with my mother. Being probably a difficult child myself as a child we had a horrible relationship, and we practically jumped down each others throats all the time. I moved away after college for about 7 years and moved close again after my kids were born. I think the time apart allowed us to reset our relationship and start over with new, better polite interactions. We now have a pretty good relationship. This is the problem I have dealing with my kids, I know intellectually they are just kids, they can't help it, they may even have issues beyond the normal, etc. but emotionally the weight of the many many times they have been rude, obnoxious, defiant, hit me or needled me just weighs on me and makes it very difficult for me to keep my half of the relationship the polite and civil example to them it should be. I know I end up snapping at them, barking orders instead of polite requests. And of course my negative interactions with them are making it even harder for them to respond nicely to me, so its a viscous circle. I think I really have to make a concerted effort to reset my half of the relationship, create a new habit like you said. I know this won't be easy. This has been an interesting thread. Thanks for sharing. [/QUOTE]
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