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The heart of a difficult child mom
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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 253367" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>Steely - I think you are <u>absolutely</u> right on. Now is not the time to share with- difficult child your feelings (in my humble opinion anyway - you could probably find a gazillion therapists who would disagree, LOL). The way I see it with- my difficult child, there isn't anything in the world he could do that would reassure me or make me feel 100&#37; safe. So that makes it my problem, not his. He can't fix it and it seems to me to not be right, while he's trying to get his act together (well, kinda anyway <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> ), to share my feelings. His self-esteem is already in the tank and he's far harder on himself than anyone else, has every past bad act cataloged and memorized, stuff I've honestly completely forgotten. In my case, I just don't see that it would solve anything, and it would probably just make things worse since my difficult child is teetering on the edge of major depression most of the time these days. He needs to work on his stuff, I need to work on mine, and someday maybe it will be more comfortable. </p><p> </p><p>And while I can't see myself feeling 100% safe with- him, I don't think I would say I "never" will, because - who knows? Maybe someday I will. Just not today.</p><p> </p><p>You know, you really nailed it there. "Just because he's fine (at the moment)". I remember coming to the board a very long time ago moaning because difficult child's stable hours/days/occasionally weeks were so much harder on me than when he was unstable. For the most part, you know what you get with unstable difficult children. I got really good at expecting the unbelievable from him. But those stable periods just completely unnerved me because I knew it wouldn't last. While he had a pretty consistent pattern of falling apart every 3 months, I couldn't predict it to the day and the longer he was stable, the more anxious I got, just waiting for that anvil to come falling out of the sky to clobber us all again. For me, I think part of my caution now ties into how things used to be, just waiting for the bottom to fall out again. It doesn't happen anywhere near as often as it used to but anticipation is a real bear.</p><p> </p><p>PTSD you think? <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 253367, member: 8"] Steely - I think you are [U]absolutely[/U] right on. Now is not the time to share with- difficult child your feelings (in my humble opinion anyway - you could probably find a gazillion therapists who would disagree, LOL). The way I see it with- my difficult child, there isn't anything in the world he could do that would reassure me or make me feel 100% safe. So that makes it my problem, not his. He can't fix it and it seems to me to not be right, while he's trying to get his act together (well, kinda anyway ;) ), to share my feelings. His self-esteem is already in the tank and he's far harder on himself than anyone else, has every past bad act cataloged and memorized, stuff I've honestly completely forgotten. In my case, I just don't see that it would solve anything, and it would probably just make things worse since my difficult child is teetering on the edge of major depression most of the time these days. He needs to work on his stuff, I need to work on mine, and someday maybe it will be more comfortable. And while I can't see myself feeling 100% safe with- him, I don't think I would say I "never" will, because - who knows? Maybe someday I will. Just not today. You know, you really nailed it there. "Just because he's fine (at the moment)". I remember coming to the board a very long time ago moaning because difficult child's stable hours/days/occasionally weeks were so much harder on me than when he was unstable. For the most part, you know what you get with unstable difficult children. I got really good at expecting the unbelievable from him. But those stable periods just completely unnerved me because I knew it wouldn't last. While he had a pretty consistent pattern of falling apart every 3 months, I couldn't predict it to the day and the longer he was stable, the more anxious I got, just waiting for that anvil to come falling out of the sky to clobber us all again. For me, I think part of my caution now ties into how things used to be, just waiting for the bottom to fall out again. It doesn't happen anywhere near as often as it used to but anticipation is a real bear. PTSD you think? :) [/QUOTE]
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