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Parent Emeritus
The hope I hung onto while my son was in treatment, has vanished....
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 667077" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Mom of Despair, welcome to the forum.</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry about the rollercoaster you are on with your son. I understand so much the pain and intense grief and fear...it is fear that rules us in these circumstances...for him.</p><p></p><p>I was on that same rollercoaster with my son for nearly six years. Today, in the past 1.5 years (almost), there has been a change.</p><p></p><p>He had multiple rehabs, jail terms, periods of homelessness. Nothing changed that I could see, any of those times. I think he had to come to it all in his own time, through who-knows-what, before he had the purpose of will to work for his own life. I spent a lot of time working a lot harder for his life than he did, for years.</p><p></p><p>My son's moment of truth, it appears, came in a jail cell the night before he thought he was to be sentenced to four years in prison. By the law's standards, he should have been, but as the jails are full, often it doesn't happen. He told me later that his court-appointed attorney said, get ready, you're going in for four years.</p><p>He said he laid awake all night scared to death of that. </p><p></p><p>Well, finally, I thought, something got through to you.</p><p></p><p>Since that time, going on 16 months ago, he has made sustained progress. It has been remarkable and scary to watch. Scary because I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, and believe me, I know that it can happen and he can go backward. </p><p></p><p>I have to work on myself as much as ever, and watch myself closely, so I don't fall back into my old patterns, which were making sure he landed softly. Those days are over, for the most part, but I love him and of course, I want to help him always. I finally realized several years ago that my "help" wasn't helping; in fact, it was getting in the way of him having a chance to decide to change.</p><p></p><p>I wish I could tell you it will all stop at a certain date. I will tell you this: I personally believe there is a period of time, particularly, it seems, for some young men...that comes to a close about 25 or 26 or 27. I know there are many who keep on doing what they do long after this age. </p><p></p><p>Also, I have no statistical proof of this, just my own observational research, but the desk police officer at the county workhouse where my son was imprisoned one time (one of 8 or 9 times) had this conversation with me:</p><p></p><p>Her: How old is your son? (I was there waiting to visit him)</p><p></p><p>Me: 22</p><p></p><p>Her: Oh, you have a few more years to go...</p><p></p><p>Me: What? What do you mean? (I wasn't sure what she was talking about...)</p><p></p><p>Her: Most of them come through here the last time about 26 or 27 or so and then we don't see them again...</p><p></p><p>I thought at the time, I don't think I can hang on that long. But also, it was a beacon for me, and my son's turnaround seemed to begin shortly before he turned 25. So far.</p><p></p><p>I believe there is always hope. I also believe the rehabs are not wasted, that he heard and absorbed good thinking in there that will come around to help him later, when he really is ready. I hope and pray that is the case for you.</p><p></p><p>We're here for you, regardless. We so understand. Warm hugs this morning.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 667077, member: 17542"] Hi Mom of Despair, welcome to the forum. I am so sorry about the rollercoaster you are on with your son. I understand so much the pain and intense grief and fear...it is fear that rules us in these circumstances...for him. I was on that same rollercoaster with my son for nearly six years. Today, in the past 1.5 years (almost), there has been a change. He had multiple rehabs, jail terms, periods of homelessness. Nothing changed that I could see, any of those times. I think he had to come to it all in his own time, through who-knows-what, before he had the purpose of will to work for his own life. I spent a lot of time working a lot harder for his life than he did, for years. My son's moment of truth, it appears, came in a jail cell the night before he thought he was to be sentenced to four years in prison. By the law's standards, he should have been, but as the jails are full, often it doesn't happen. He told me later that his court-appointed attorney said, get ready, you're going in for four years. He said he laid awake all night scared to death of that. Well, finally, I thought, something got through to you. Since that time, going on 16 months ago, he has made sustained progress. It has been remarkable and scary to watch. Scary because I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, and believe me, I know that it can happen and he can go backward. I have to work on myself as much as ever, and watch myself closely, so I don't fall back into my old patterns, which were making sure he landed softly. Those days are over, for the most part, but I love him and of course, I want to help him always. I finally realized several years ago that my "help" wasn't helping; in fact, it was getting in the way of him having a chance to decide to change. I wish I could tell you it will all stop at a certain date. I will tell you this: I personally believe there is a period of time, particularly, it seems, for some young men...that comes to a close about 25 or 26 or 27. I know there are many who keep on doing what they do long after this age. Also, I have no statistical proof of this, just my own observational research, but the desk police officer at the county workhouse where my son was imprisoned one time (one of 8 or 9 times) had this conversation with me: Her: How old is your son? (I was there waiting to visit him) Me: 22 Her: Oh, you have a few more years to go... Me: What? What do you mean? (I wasn't sure what she was talking about...) Her: Most of them come through here the last time about 26 or 27 or so and then we don't see them again... I thought at the time, I don't think I can hang on that long. But also, it was a beacon for me, and my son's turnaround seemed to begin shortly before he turned 25. So far. I believe there is always hope. I also believe the rehabs are not wasted, that he heard and absorbed good thinking in there that will come around to help him later, when he really is ready. I hope and pray that is the case for you. We're here for you, regardless. We so understand. Warm hugs this morning. [/QUOTE]
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The hope I hung onto while my son was in treatment, has vanished....
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