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"The Manipulative Child"
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 169058" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Thanks, Adrianne. I freely admit, the title of the book had me very concerned. But you made some good points:</p><p>"Manipulators are looking for ways to keep control of their life. They are not being naughty on purpose. They are trying to meet their own needs as they see it. They have a goal that they are going to meet no matter what."</p><p></p><p>I'm wondering if "controlling" might have been a better word?</p><p></p><p>We do see that a lot of difficult children seem to have a desperate need to grab control in their lives wherever they can; perhaps because their world seems so out of control to them.</p><p></p><p>"Manipulative" is such a negatively charged term, it immediately makes us think that this behaviour must be stopped at all costs. However, I have found that when I allow my kids to have control in their lives where it really is no skin off my nose, they are more inclined to cooperate in the things that I want from them.</p><p></p><p>If we respond to "manipulation" by blocking it automatically, almost instinctively, are we not perhaps setting ourselves up for more battles?</p><p></p><p>I have found that often, the best way through is cooperation. However, you need to be able to ensure that the quid pro quo actually does eventuate.</p><p></p><p>Example: currently, difficult child 3 is having trouble staying on task. I want him to do his schoolwork sitting beside me, so I can supervise and bring him back to the topic if I need to, or help him find an easy way to do it. But he doesn't like this, because he knows he can think more clearly on his own.</p><p>BUT - he really enjoys playing our new game of "Civilisation". It's a computer-based turn-taking game. So we sit together at the desk with the computer and take our turns. While I take my turn, he does his work. Then he has his turn. He earns turns by completing worksheets - one completed worksheet is ten turns played during school hours. But he MUST keep working, or we stop.</p><p>It's early days but it seems to be working. Plus it's also an educational game - win-win, as far as I am concerned!</p><p></p><p>The more we do this sort of thing together, the more he sees me as his facilitator. I use praise a lot (but only where appropriate) and as a result, he and I are communicating much better.</p><p></p><p>In the terms your book describes, difficult child 3 would meet the description of "manipulative". However, it is manipulation driven by anxiety and a need for fairness and balance as well as control.</p><p></p><p>I can't kill the manipulation (not possible!), the best I can do is try to turn it into positive directions so it is himself he is controlling and manipulating, and not us.</p><p></p><p>I work with what I have. I can't push difficult child 3 to do things or understand things he simply can't yet fathom. It's definitely challenging!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 169058, member: 1991"] Thanks, Adrianne. I freely admit, the title of the book had me very concerned. But you made some good points: "Manipulators are looking for ways to keep control of their life. They are not being naughty on purpose. They are trying to meet their own needs as they see it. They have a goal that they are going to meet no matter what." I'm wondering if "controlling" might have been a better word? We do see that a lot of difficult children seem to have a desperate need to grab control in their lives wherever they can; perhaps because their world seems so out of control to them. "Manipulative" is such a negatively charged term, it immediately makes us think that this behaviour must be stopped at all costs. However, I have found that when I allow my kids to have control in their lives where it really is no skin off my nose, they are more inclined to cooperate in the things that I want from them. If we respond to "manipulation" by blocking it automatically, almost instinctively, are we not perhaps setting ourselves up for more battles? I have found that often, the best way through is cooperation. However, you need to be able to ensure that the quid pro quo actually does eventuate. Example: currently, difficult child 3 is having trouble staying on task. I want him to do his schoolwork sitting beside me, so I can supervise and bring him back to the topic if I need to, or help him find an easy way to do it. But he doesn't like this, because he knows he can think more clearly on his own. BUT - he really enjoys playing our new game of "Civilisation". It's a computer-based turn-taking game. So we sit together at the desk with the computer and take our turns. While I take my turn, he does his work. Then he has his turn. He earns turns by completing worksheets - one completed worksheet is ten turns played during school hours. But he MUST keep working, or we stop. It's early days but it seems to be working. Plus it's also an educational game - win-win, as far as I am concerned! The more we do this sort of thing together, the more he sees me as his facilitator. I use praise a lot (but only where appropriate) and as a result, he and I are communicating much better. In the terms your book describes, difficult child 3 would meet the description of "manipulative". However, it is manipulation driven by anxiety and a need for fairness and balance as well as control. I can't kill the manipulation (not possible!), the best I can do is try to turn it into positive directions so it is himself he is controlling and manipulating, and not us. I work with what I have. I can't push difficult child 3 to do things or understand things he simply can't yet fathom. It's definitely challenging! Marg [/QUOTE]
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