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"The Manipulative Child"
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<blockquote data-quote="Andy" data-source="post: 169083" data-attributes="member: 5096"><p>Yes, I agree that manipulation has a negative sound to it. Not much I can do about the title of the book. I also don't think the authors are looking at shutting down negotiable situations. They are looking at those moments when as a parent you do have the final say and the child is not respecting that. Or the child is unable to recognize a non-negotiable situation. Not all parents have experienced that so they would not totally understand it.</p><p> </p><p>The book makes sense to me why my children have taken on this behavior. It is not a blaming book, it just shows one possibility which happens to have fit my situation. My children are not always manipulative but sometimes they get stubborn and fall into this behavior. It frustrates me to no end.</p><p> </p><p>I guess I wouldn't view difficult child's not staying on task as being manipulative. You have recognized your difficult child's needs within the task you have given him and you are giving him the tools he needs to meet that task. He is not trying to get out of doing homework under the boundaries you have set up with him. We always have to give our kids the tools needed to meet their tasks.</p><p> </p><p>I strongly agree that we want to give our children the chance to have input whenever possible. There is nothing wrong with saying, "We have this task that needs to be done. How can we accomplish it?" and then accept input from the child. They are then taking responsibility in the task and you can discuss the pros and cons of each option.</p><p> </p><p>The situations this book refers to are those times when a parent has set up a non-negotiable task and the child is not only refusing to comply but is trying to restate the task to his or her wanting. I view it as those times when the child chooses to disrespect the task. Mainly for kids like mine who think they can set all the rules of the house. If mom says only two cookies for snack and the child starts arguing to have five cookies. The rule of the house is only two, period. </p><p> </p><p>There are kids out there who will argue with every rule. They are always looking for a way around the rules. That is fine for the negotiable rules but they also have to learn that their parents are the ones to set the non-negotiable rules.</p><p> </p><p>I do give my kids plenty of chances to work out situations - to negotiate. However, the very few non-negotiable times, I expect to be respected and not talked back to and not agrued with to find a way out.</p><p> </p><p>I do agree that this is not to be used 24/7 as a way of controlling kids. NO WAY!!! It is just a way to maybe better understand why this does happen with some kids and a way to try to handle those moments.</p><p> </p><p>Parents get to decide what is negotiable and not. Another key that I have problems with is being consistent with what is and is not negotiable. Within this knowledge, parents also have to allow negotiations in much of the child's life.</p><p> </p><p>And in determining any non-negotiative tasks/situations, parents must make sure that the child is fully capable and has all tools needed to complete the task. The same as you are doing with homework - it needs to get done - what can be done to make it a doable task for the child?</p><p> </p><p>As I have stated before, like everything else, this will not fit everyone's situation - I hope it doesn't fit anyone elses but in the event you feel it does, the book helped in one area of my kids' lives.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Andy, post: 169083, member: 5096"] Yes, I agree that manipulation has a negative sound to it. Not much I can do about the title of the book. I also don't think the authors are looking at shutting down negotiable situations. They are looking at those moments when as a parent you do have the final say and the child is not respecting that. Or the child is unable to recognize a non-negotiable situation. Not all parents have experienced that so they would not totally understand it. The book makes sense to me why my children have taken on this behavior. It is not a blaming book, it just shows one possibility which happens to have fit my situation. My children are not always manipulative but sometimes they get stubborn and fall into this behavior. It frustrates me to no end. I guess I wouldn't view difficult child's not staying on task as being manipulative. You have recognized your difficult child's needs within the task you have given him and you are giving him the tools he needs to meet that task. He is not trying to get out of doing homework under the boundaries you have set up with him. We always have to give our kids the tools needed to meet their tasks. I strongly agree that we want to give our children the chance to have input whenever possible. There is nothing wrong with saying, "We have this task that needs to be done. How can we accomplish it?" and then accept input from the child. They are then taking responsibility in the task and you can discuss the pros and cons of each option. The situations this book refers to are those times when a parent has set up a non-negotiable task and the child is not only refusing to comply but is trying to restate the task to his or her wanting. I view it as those times when the child chooses to disrespect the task. Mainly for kids like mine who think they can set all the rules of the house. If mom says only two cookies for snack and the child starts arguing to have five cookies. The rule of the house is only two, period. There are kids out there who will argue with every rule. They are always looking for a way around the rules. That is fine for the negotiable rules but they also have to learn that their parents are the ones to set the non-negotiable rules. I do give my kids plenty of chances to work out situations - to negotiate. However, the very few non-negotiable times, I expect to be respected and not talked back to and not agrued with to find a way out. I do agree that this is not to be used 24/7 as a way of controlling kids. NO WAY!!! It is just a way to maybe better understand why this does happen with some kids and a way to try to handle those moments. Parents get to decide what is negotiable and not. Another key that I have problems with is being consistent with what is and is not negotiable. Within this knowledge, parents also have to allow negotiations in much of the child's life. And in determining any non-negotiative tasks/situations, parents must make sure that the child is fully capable and has all tools needed to complete the task. The same as you are doing with homework - it needs to get done - what can be done to make it a doable task for the child? As I have stated before, like everything else, this will not fit everyone's situation - I hope it doesn't fit anyone elses but in the event you feel it does, the book helped in one area of my kids' lives. [/QUOTE]
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