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General Parenting
"The Manipulative Child"
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<blockquote data-quote="Andy" data-source="post: 171269" data-attributes="member: 5096"><p>Negotiation is a skill that we want our children to learn. We want them to figure out how to meet goals and when Plan A doesn't work we want them to look for Plan B. This is also a way to hopefully teach them that when Plan A doen't work it is not cause for a meltdown - just calmly look for another way.</p><p> </p><p>This book's view point is for those times when it really is a non-negotiable situation. Sheila's example of the $15. It may be o.k. for the child to ask one time for a change, however, once the parent or teacher says, "This is the final answer", the child needs to drop the subject. Children also need to learn to live within boundaries and rules. When they continue to badger and beg and refuse to accept an answer or directive, than that is when you have a problem. The example of the library and park - that may be a solution for an older child but you are not going to drop your 4 - 6 year off without supervision.</p><p> </p><p>I have children who will never take "This is final" for an answer - they keep pushing and arguing and negotiating until they get their way - that is wrong. This book is addressing how to handle a child who will not respect those non-negotiable decisions. It is not saying that nothing is negotiable. I do think that by negotiating (or teamwork thinking if negotiating seems to also be a negative term) your child does learn how to think about options.</p><p> </p><p>There are times when a parent has to be the authority and make a decision that can not be changed. Yes, the parent needs to take the child's ability into consideration, but the child also has to learn that sometimes there is not room for negotiation. SOMETIMES not most or all! I refuse to spend 1/2 hour arguing with my child as to why he can not play in the busy street - that is a rule, period. However, I will spend 1/2 hour figuring out which park he wants to go to.</p><p> </p><p>So, remember, this is not saying that parents will be authoritative. It is saying that there are boundaries and the child needs to learn to live within those boundaries and learn that SOME rules and decisions are non-negotiable.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Andy, post: 171269, member: 5096"] Negotiation is a skill that we want our children to learn. We want them to figure out how to meet goals and when Plan A doesn't work we want them to look for Plan B. This is also a way to hopefully teach them that when Plan A doen't work it is not cause for a meltdown - just calmly look for another way. This book's view point is for those times when it really is a non-negotiable situation. Sheila's example of the $15. It may be o.k. for the child to ask one time for a change, however, once the parent or teacher says, "This is the final answer", the child needs to drop the subject. Children also need to learn to live within boundaries and rules. When they continue to badger and beg and refuse to accept an answer or directive, than that is when you have a problem. The example of the library and park - that may be a solution for an older child but you are not going to drop your 4 - 6 year off without supervision. I have children who will never take "This is final" for an answer - they keep pushing and arguing and negotiating until they get their way - that is wrong. This book is addressing how to handle a child who will not respect those non-negotiable decisions. It is not saying that nothing is negotiable. I do think that by negotiating (or teamwork thinking if negotiating seems to also be a negative term) your child does learn how to think about options. There are times when a parent has to be the authority and make a decision that can not be changed. Yes, the parent needs to take the child's ability into consideration, but the child also has to learn that sometimes there is not room for negotiation. SOMETIMES not most or all! I refuse to spend 1/2 hour arguing with my child as to why he can not play in the busy street - that is a rule, period. However, I will spend 1/2 hour figuring out which park he wants to go to. So, remember, this is not saying that parents will be authoritative. It is saying that there are boundaries and the child needs to learn to live within those boundaries and learn that SOME rules and decisions are non-negotiable. [/QUOTE]
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