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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 753354" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I can understand how you feel this way.</p><p></p><p>These are your options, as I see them: One, no rides; two, commit to driving her every week unless or until you get a full-time job; three, decide to forego any other commitment so that you can continue to drive her as long as she desires; four, negotiate every single ride.</p><p></p><p>It's a question of your priorities. What is, to you, the most important thing? Is it to support her in the way that she decides? Is it to minimize conflict? Is it to support her to take responsibility to meet her own needs? Is it to give yourself permission to occupy the center of your life? Or some other thing.</p><p></p><p>To me until you decide what your principal goal is, you won't know what you need to do. And I think it's important for me to try to ferret out what would be aspirational, and what is regressive. And then there is the basic and unwavering love I have for my child. My need for him. My need that he be safe and prosper. This surely is not regressive. But feelings like fear of abandonment in my old age, guilt, etc., may be so, for me.</p><p></p><p>Of course you can also commit to driving her a limited period, say one month. That would give you time to think through what your needs are. It would also give her a transitional period to make a plan, to take responsibility to meet her own needs.</p><p></p><p>I will say what I think, though you don't ask. I think your daughter is being abusive to you. I would hate to see you out of guilt and an excessive sense of responsibility, to make an open-ended commitment to her. First there is the consideration of your growth and well-being. You matter here too. And it matters to her that you value yourself. Second, there is her growth and well-being. There is nowhere in life where the needs and well-being and happiness of one person can or should trump the well-being of others, or of the family as a whole. How could any system thrive or even survive, should this be the operating system, most of all a family? Should my child ride around on a float waving at the crowds, throwing garlands while I carry him on my back down below? What would I be teaching him about himself, about his life and potential, about my own value, and life itself?</p><p></p><p>Wise. I hope you stand up in your life, for your life, all around. I believe that everybody in your family could have the potential to thrive, were you to give yourself this.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 753354, member: 18958"] I can understand how you feel this way. These are your options, as I see them: One, no rides; two, commit to driving her every week unless or until you get a full-time job; three, decide to forego any other commitment so that you can continue to drive her as long as she desires; four, negotiate every single ride. It's a question of your priorities. What is, to you, the most important thing? Is it to support her in the way that she decides? Is it to minimize conflict? Is it to support her to take responsibility to meet her own needs? Is it to give yourself permission to occupy the center of your life? Or some other thing. To me until you decide what your principal goal is, you won't know what you need to do. And I think it's important for me to try to ferret out what would be aspirational, and what is regressive. And then there is the basic and unwavering love I have for my child. My need for him. My need that he be safe and prosper. This surely is not regressive. But feelings like fear of abandonment in my old age, guilt, etc., may be so, for me. Of course you can also commit to driving her a limited period, say one month. That would give you time to think through what your needs are. It would also give her a transitional period to make a plan, to take responsibility to meet her own needs. I will say what I think, though you don't ask. I think your daughter is being abusive to you. I would hate to see you out of guilt and an excessive sense of responsibility, to make an open-ended commitment to her. First there is the consideration of your growth and well-being. You matter here too. And it matters to her that you value yourself. Second, there is her growth and well-being. There is nowhere in life where the needs and well-being and happiness of one person can or should trump the well-being of others, or of the family as a whole. How could any system thrive or even survive, should this be the operating system, most of all a family? Should my child ride around on a float waving at the crowds, throwing garlands while I carry him on my back down below? What would I be teaching him about himself, about his life and potential, about my own value, and life itself? Wise. I hope you stand up in your life, for your life, all around. I believe that everybody in your family could have the potential to thrive, were you to give yourself this. [/QUOTE]
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