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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 753368" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I think part of the problem is that your focus is too much on your daughter, and not enough on you.</p><p></p><p>I see with my son, that he will make changes, as he wants, when he wants. I have no control over the timing. I have no control, all around. If our focus is on only them, it's like the watched pot, that never boils. I know you know this. But the only control you have is in your own life.</p><p></p><p>If we make ourselves more the center of our own life, some of this can fall into place. Your daughter sounds like my son, in that they both have found their greatest power and strongest voice in life, over us. Over our emotions. My son at times has acted like the most powerful man and esteemed man in the world, vis a vis me. Not in a dominating sense. But an exaggerated sense of how important is his every little action. Why? Because I am always waiting for the pot to boil. I act like Shakespeare over every little thing. I am like the crowd of thousands, in a football game, cheering or booing him, as I fall all over myself. What's wrong with this picture? I am.</p><p></p><p>Can you see that by pulling back, there creates the possibility for a healthier equilibrium? (Like now all of a sudden your daughter writes she misses your hugs and scent, when last I heard she had a "no touching" rule. Give me a break.)</p><p></p><p>They are the ones that have to learn to depend upon their own internalized cheers and boos, to guide their lives. Too much, their agency is in us, or to push against or resist us. If we can learn to be more indifferent, or act that way, it creates the possibility for them to listen to themselves, and to decide better. All the while, loving and forgiving them.</p><p></p><p>But then as I write this my stomach hurts because I fear that my son may lack capacity in essential ways. And I don't know how to come to grips with that. But then, the same rules apply. He has to have space from me (not geographical space, I have learned, but emotional space) to come up against himself and the opportunity to reach out to others who are not me.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 753368, member: 18958"] I think part of the problem is that your focus is too much on your daughter, and not enough on you. I see with my son, that he will make changes, as he wants, when he wants. I have no control over the timing. I have no control, all around. If our focus is on only them, it's like the watched pot, that never boils. I know you know this. But the only control you have is in your own life. If we make ourselves more the center of our own life, some of this can fall into place. Your daughter sounds like my son, in that they both have found their greatest power and strongest voice in life, over us. Over our emotions. My son at times has acted like the most powerful man and esteemed man in the world, vis a vis me. Not in a dominating sense. But an exaggerated sense of how important is his every little action. Why? Because I am always waiting for the pot to boil. I act like Shakespeare over every little thing. I am like the crowd of thousands, in a football game, cheering or booing him, as I fall all over myself. What's wrong with this picture? I am. Can you see that by pulling back, there creates the possibility for a healthier equilibrium? (Like now all of a sudden your daughter writes she misses your hugs and scent, when last I heard she had a "no touching" rule. Give me a break.) They are the ones that have to learn to depend upon their own internalized cheers and boos, to guide their lives. Too much, their agency is in us, or to push against or resist us. If we can learn to be more indifferent, or act that way, it creates the possibility for them to listen to themselves, and to decide better. All the while, loving and forgiving them. But then as I write this my stomach hurts because I fear that my son may lack capacity in essential ways. And I don't know how to come to grips with that. But then, the same rules apply. He has to have space from me (not geographical space, I have learned, but emotional space) to come up against himself and the opportunity to reach out to others who are not me. [/QUOTE]
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