Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
They Just Wont Listen!!
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 459932" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Others have given great advice but not addressed what I want to.</p><p></p><p>Often, when we talk to anyone, we need them to stop doing what tehy were doing and pay attention to us. Even with my PARENTS and GRANDPARENTS there were times I said something and just did not get a response or got a response that made no sense. Or later got in trouble for "not telling them" whatever it was.</p><p></p><p>It is even more important NOW to make sure we have the attention of our kids before we speak. We are competing with video games (in my opinion electronic crack), phones, tv's, and all manner of other things. It is perfectly possible to speak to someone for a few minutes, have them nod their heads periodically, think we have communicated and later learn they didn't really even know we were there because they had headphones on and were lost in thought. At least when I was a kid the headphones were the size of earmuffs and my folks generally knew if we were not listening because the book in front of our faces. </p><p></p><p>So in order to even BEGIN to communicate, you must have their attention. When Wiz was about five I developed a way to do that - it works with ANY child. I started calling out "chocolate chip cookies" or "chocolate pudding" or some other favorite treat. The first few times I actually gave them the treat I called out. Then I started to insist they listen or do a chore or something and then they would get the treat. But they didn't ALWAYS get the treat. Psychology has shown us that intermittent variable rewards are the most effective way to change behavior. So they got the reward soemtimes, and NOT at the times they expected always. </p><p></p><p>No matter what they were doing, calling out a dessert that they liked (we didn't have dessert every night, or even very often) IMMEDIATELY pulled their attention from WHATEVER they were doing. At that point I could get them to really hear what I had to say - at least I had a chance to. with-o "chocolate pudding" I had NO chance because I was far more boring than the tv, video game, book or whatever. A few times in the beginning they tried to argue that it was 'unfair' to say chocolate whatever and not give it to them. I countered with telling them it is unfair of them to ignore me or me to get mad when they are busy and I tell them something and they don't hear it and I still get mad at them. I think I explained that maybe twice. From that point cries of being "unfair" were met with my standard answer ' Life isn't fair. sorry. And no other discussion was entertained - whining got chores to do. </p><p></p><p>You DO have to have the item and give it sometimes. But after a few weeks most kids will give you their attention because they MIGHT get the reward. Even difficult children. I have had parents tell me that I was being mean or cruel by getting their hopes up and not giving them the item. I countered wtih the notion that it was a lot more cruel to talk to them, tell them things, then punish them because they had no clue I was talking to them because they were busy doing their own thing. </p><p></p><p>The other things that I have to remind myself about getting the kids to listen (and then do what I want/understand what I have said) is that effective communication if achieved when the listener perceives what you want them to perceive, NOT when you have said what you want them to now. Sometimes you have to have them paraphrase what you have said/asked so that you know that they are perceiving what you want them to perceive.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 459932, member: 1233"] Others have given great advice but not addressed what I want to. Often, when we talk to anyone, we need them to stop doing what tehy were doing and pay attention to us. Even with my PARENTS and GRANDPARENTS there were times I said something and just did not get a response or got a response that made no sense. Or later got in trouble for "not telling them" whatever it was. It is even more important NOW to make sure we have the attention of our kids before we speak. We are competing with video games (in my opinion electronic crack), phones, tv's, and all manner of other things. It is perfectly possible to speak to someone for a few minutes, have them nod their heads periodically, think we have communicated and later learn they didn't really even know we were there because they had headphones on and were lost in thought. At least when I was a kid the headphones were the size of earmuffs and my folks generally knew if we were not listening because the book in front of our faces. So in order to even BEGIN to communicate, you must have their attention. When Wiz was about five I developed a way to do that - it works with ANY child. I started calling out "chocolate chip cookies" or "chocolate pudding" or some other favorite treat. The first few times I actually gave them the treat I called out. Then I started to insist they listen or do a chore or something and then they would get the treat. But they didn't ALWAYS get the treat. Psychology has shown us that intermittent variable rewards are the most effective way to change behavior. So they got the reward soemtimes, and NOT at the times they expected always. No matter what they were doing, calling out a dessert that they liked (we didn't have dessert every night, or even very often) IMMEDIATELY pulled their attention from WHATEVER they were doing. At that point I could get them to really hear what I had to say - at least I had a chance to. with-o "chocolate pudding" I had NO chance because I was far more boring than the tv, video game, book or whatever. A few times in the beginning they tried to argue that it was 'unfair' to say chocolate whatever and not give it to them. I countered with telling them it is unfair of them to ignore me or me to get mad when they are busy and I tell them something and they don't hear it and I still get mad at them. I think I explained that maybe twice. From that point cries of being "unfair" were met with my standard answer ' Life isn't fair. sorry. And no other discussion was entertained - whining got chores to do. You DO have to have the item and give it sometimes. But after a few weeks most kids will give you their attention because they MIGHT get the reward. Even difficult children. I have had parents tell me that I was being mean or cruel by getting their hopes up and not giving them the item. I countered wtih the notion that it was a lot more cruel to talk to them, tell them things, then punish them because they had no clue I was talking to them because they were busy doing their own thing. The other things that I have to remind myself about getting the kids to listen (and then do what I want/understand what I have said) is that effective communication if achieved when the listener perceives what you want them to perceive, NOT when you have said what you want them to now. Sometimes you have to have them paraphrase what you have said/asked so that you know that they are perceiving what you want them to perceive. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
They Just Wont Listen!!
Top