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<blockquote data-quote="Giulia" data-source="post: 520067" data-attributes="member: 14306"><p>Hello, </p><p>I cross my fingers for you. </p><p></p><p>Others told you that you and husband need to be on the same page. </p><p>I feel the same with my father about drunk driving, and everyone wanting to give up. I can relate what you say about this, and feeling like swimming against the current. </p><p></p><p></p><p>Do <u>you</u> think that it can be a realistic goal to sit down and talk with your husband about your difficult child, in order to be on the same page (at least the same chapter) ? </p><p>If you think it's a realistic step, don't be afraid of doing it. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>In the case having a discussion with husband is unlikely to be realistic or the discussion fails, remember that you can control only your actions. So control only what you can control : your actions. </p><p></p><p>First and foremost, set your priorities-adjust your expectations (I put these two actions on the same line because they go hand in hand). Set a list of non negotiable rules and its non negotiable outcomes, and stick to them even if husband and/or difficult child blow up on you. Believe me, it will save you a lot of energy and sanity. If you fight for a ton of expectations at the same time, I can assure you that you'll drive yourself insane and the situation will be the same, even worse. Be stoic when they blow up for the non negotiable. Keep it short, simple and specific. And stick to it, no matter the hurricane. </p><p>Then, you can have a list of preferred actions, but you won't put yourself in danger to obtain them. </p><p>And at the end, the actions you wish in an ideal world, but it's unlikely to do so : great if you obtain them, but it's doesn't worth a fight for. </p><p></p><p>The second point to do what you can control, and you don't need to beg/pledge anyone to do it, is not giving any emotional response to his bad choices. I know that it's much easier said than done, but it pays a lot on the long run. </p><p>If you have to do something, do it without giving any emotional answer. </p><p>Let say he steals something. As soon as you confront him, do it with a non emotional and matter of fact saying, like : "Stealing is unacceptable in this house". Be a broken record if you think you need so. </p><p>Your difficult child lies ? When you understand that he lies, you can state : "I don't want to hear lies. If you tell me the truth, I won't be angry", then, walk away. If he comes to see you and continues with his lying, do the same as before. When your difficult child tells you the truth, then, you keep your promise of not being angry. </p><p>Your difficult child has annoying but objectively harmless behavior (like peculiar noise he finds funny but you find silly) ? Ignore it. It's the most powerful punishment you can give him, and it's harmless to the whole house. </p><p>"The comedy stops when the audience left" would summarize this 2nd point. </p><p></p><p>The third point, and if there were only one point to remember, it would be this one. </p><p>When your difficult child does something good, like he goes and finally tells you the whole truth, thank him/congratulate him for having told you the truth. </p><p>He tries hard in therapy (even if it doesn't give much results) ? Praise like if he were the World's Cup champion. </p><p>He goes and wash the dishes, even when protesting ? Thank him to have done it, and ignore his protestations (harmless annoying behavior, so ignore it). </p><p></p><p></p><p>It works also with adults. It doesn't change everything in one day, but it pays on the long run.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Giulia, post: 520067, member: 14306"] Hello, I cross my fingers for you. Others told you that you and husband need to be on the same page. I feel the same with my father about drunk driving, and everyone wanting to give up. I can relate what you say about this, and feeling like swimming against the current. Do [U]you[/U] think that it can be a realistic goal to sit down and talk with your husband about your difficult child, in order to be on the same page (at least the same chapter) ? If you think it's a realistic step, don't be afraid of doing it. In the case having a discussion with husband is unlikely to be realistic or the discussion fails, remember that you can control only your actions. So control only what you can control : your actions. First and foremost, set your priorities-adjust your expectations (I put these two actions on the same line because they go hand in hand). Set a list of non negotiable rules and its non negotiable outcomes, and stick to them even if husband and/or difficult child blow up on you. Believe me, it will save you a lot of energy and sanity. If you fight for a ton of expectations at the same time, I can assure you that you'll drive yourself insane and the situation will be the same, even worse. Be stoic when they blow up for the non negotiable. Keep it short, simple and specific. And stick to it, no matter the hurricane. Then, you can have a list of preferred actions, but you won't put yourself in danger to obtain them. And at the end, the actions you wish in an ideal world, but it's unlikely to do so : great if you obtain them, but it's doesn't worth a fight for. The second point to do what you can control, and you don't need to beg/pledge anyone to do it, is not giving any emotional response to his bad choices. I know that it's much easier said than done, but it pays a lot on the long run. If you have to do something, do it without giving any emotional answer. Let say he steals something. As soon as you confront him, do it with a non emotional and matter of fact saying, like : "Stealing is unacceptable in this house". Be a broken record if you think you need so. Your difficult child lies ? When you understand that he lies, you can state : "I don't want to hear lies. If you tell me the truth, I won't be angry", then, walk away. If he comes to see you and continues with his lying, do the same as before. When your difficult child tells you the truth, then, you keep your promise of not being angry. Your difficult child has annoying but objectively harmless behavior (like peculiar noise he finds funny but you find silly) ? Ignore it. It's the most powerful punishment you can give him, and it's harmless to the whole house. "The comedy stops when the audience left" would summarize this 2nd point. The third point, and if there were only one point to remember, it would be this one. When your difficult child does something good, like he goes and finally tells you the whole truth, thank him/congratulate him for having told you the truth. He tries hard in therapy (even if it doesn't give much results) ? Praise like if he were the World's Cup champion. He goes and wash the dishes, even when protesting ? Thank him to have done it, and ignore his protestations (harmless annoying behavior, so ignore it). It works also with adults. It doesn't change everything in one day, but it pays on the long run. [/QUOTE]
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