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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 704777" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Tl? How do you know if he has been drinking? </p><p>I am not sure. M is an alcoholic. He drank nearly all of his life. Even as a child. He stopped 19 years in MX and resumed a couple of years after he came to the States. He lessened his drinking when we met, but did not stop. Then something happened, an event, that was horrible. I did not tell him to stop drinking. But he knew somewhere inside of him, that he had crossed a line. He saw it. He decided. He never drank again. That was 6 years ago.</p><p></p><p>All of the time before he was being pressured. He could care less. His wife did everything she could to stop him, to the extent that she put anti-abuse in his drink and he became violently ill and almost died.</p><p></p><p>What I am saying is this, and I hope it is not harsh: He will drink as long as he chooses to drink. Nothing you think or know or do will make a difference. Having him home or not will not make a difference. It is what it is and there is no control you have at all nor do I, over my own son. Over and over again I believe this will change. Over and over again, I am proven wrong. Our sons will change as they choose.</p><p></p><p>Like my own son, it is likely he may be more comfortable, and feel safer and more secure near you, with you; in our case, my son did change, but his use of substances, he determined in exactly the way he wanted. What I wanted or my opinions or responses or conditions, did not make a bit of difference. He did what he wanted. He just sometimes tried to conceal it, or lie about it. In the end, he prevailed. </p><p></p><p>I see, now, it was as it should be. He gets to determine his own life. And me, I get to determine my own.</p><p></p><p>That is the horror of our situations. There is not one thing we can or cannot do. We can support them or not support them. And detach or not. And they will either do or not do exactly what it is they will do. What we in our hearts know would best does not factor in. What we feel about it, is even less important. What we do about it even less so.</p><p></p><p>I am struggling with the idea of consent. To what extent I am willing to endorse my son's behaviors by having him near me. Because I do give consent, if I have him close. I have to admit it. I do. All of the time he was with us, or near us he continued to use his marijuana. He did exactly what he wanted to do. Now I see that as long as I permitted it, I gave him cover. And by giving him cover, I consented. I do not know what to do about this, really. My struggle is very much similar to your own. By forcing my own agenda, I force my son to deceive me. I see how it works. And I see I am responsible.</p><p></p><p>And each of us knows that there are people in this world who decide to change. And we hold onto hope. But know in our hearts that there are also the millions who do not, or cannot. And we hold onto our hearts. All there is left to do is pray. I pray for each of us. I do not know what else to do.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 704777, member: 18958"] Tl? How do you know if he has been drinking? I am not sure. M is an alcoholic. He drank nearly all of his life. Even as a child. He stopped 19 years in MX and resumed a couple of years after he came to the States. He lessened his drinking when we met, but did not stop. Then something happened, an event, that was horrible. I did not tell him to stop drinking. But he knew somewhere inside of him, that he had crossed a line. He saw it. He decided. He never drank again. That was 6 years ago. All of the time before he was being pressured. He could care less. His wife did everything she could to stop him, to the extent that she put anti-abuse in his drink and he became violently ill and almost died. What I am saying is this, and I hope it is not harsh: He will drink as long as he chooses to drink. Nothing you think or know or do will make a difference. Having him home or not will not make a difference. It is what it is and there is no control you have at all nor do I, over my own son. Over and over again I believe this will change. Over and over again, I am proven wrong. Our sons will change as they choose. Like my own son, it is likely he may be more comfortable, and feel safer and more secure near you, with you; in our case, my son did change, but his use of substances, he determined in exactly the way he wanted. What I wanted or my opinions or responses or conditions, did not make a bit of difference. He did what he wanted. He just sometimes tried to conceal it, or lie about it. In the end, he prevailed. I see, now, it was as it should be. He gets to determine his own life. And me, I get to determine my own. That is the horror of our situations. There is not one thing we can or cannot do. We can support them or not support them. And detach or not. And they will either do or not do exactly what it is they will do. What we in our hearts know would best does not factor in. What we feel about it, is even less important. What we do about it even less so. I am struggling with the idea of consent. To what extent I am willing to endorse my son's behaviors by having him near me. Because I do give consent, if I have him close. I have to admit it. I do. All of the time he was with us, or near us he continued to use his marijuana. He did exactly what he wanted to do. Now I see that as long as I permitted it, I gave him cover. And by giving him cover, I consented. I do not know what to do about this, really. My struggle is very much similar to your own. By forcing my own agenda, I force my son to deceive me. I see how it works. And I see I am responsible. And each of us knows that there are people in this world who decide to change. And we hold onto hope. But know in our hearts that there are also the millions who do not, or cannot. And we hold onto our hearts. All there is left to do is pray. I pray for each of us. I do not know what else to do. [/QUOTE]
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